Missionary Tales of the Jedi
Star Wars Jedi Parody
Missionary Tales of the Jedi belongs to the following groups:
All Things Poetic, Artistic, Philosophical, Sci Fi , Short stories - Spherical Scriptings and WMGTwo hooded figures walking side-by-side one tall the other short.
“Master”
“Yes my Padawan-learner”.
“Master Juan-a-B1 why are we walking through this neighborhood”?
“Well, my young friend we are going to outreach to the people about the Force”.
“Why master”?
“Because the council has decided that we should missionary and outreach to the masses on the spiritual value of the Force”.
“But why master”?
Looking sidewise and down at his student he sighs, “Well the truth be told my apprentice things aren’t going so well for the Jedi right now”. “Not since peace has broken out, you know, I mean we just aren’t getting people to be Jedi like the old days during the war, then, oh yea, in those days there were lines around the block with folks crying to become Jedi, but now sadly well… it just not the same anymore”.
“But master what are these strange colored rags we are wearing around are necks, are they weapons”?
The master grimaces “Could be, it’s certainly choking me… no, no they’re called ties”
“What are they for master”?
“Well the council believes they give us credibility”
“Credibility master”, he asks?
“Yea Chutzpah, you know like salesmen, the masses relate to these rags as a sign of authority”. ”See mine has stripes”
“Yes master what does that signify”?
“Power my student, Power of the Force”.
“Oh I see master”.
“Master”.
“Hmm, yes my young friend”.
“Do you think our speeder is safe where we parked it”? “ I mean this is kinda a rough planetoid neighborhood”.
“Not to fear my Padawan, I had an “On Stars” system installed on it before we left”.
“Oh and what does it do, put a security field around the ship”?
“No but if its stolen at least we should be able to find it”.
“Oh I see master”. “So what do we do now master”?
“We go door to door and spread the joy of the Force to these unenlightened cretins and try to get them to join us in services, and hopefully they drop a few credits in the collection droids, you know the Jedi are, confidentially, well hey were broke”.
“Oh I see master”, “Well master here is the first dwelling”.
The two Jedi stand in front of a walk leading up to a run down dome house littered with junk, several rusted speeders and, bits of droids laying all around.
“Kinda creepy master”.
“Yes my student but remember the Force is with us always”.
They walk up and knock on the shield hatch door, no answer they knock again still nothing.
“Well my apprentice let try the next dwelling”.
They turn to go and the blast door shoots up reveling in the hatchway a pudgy, ageing man, blurry eyed holding a bottle in his hand.
“Yea what ya want”. “You guys bill collectors”? “I told em I aint got nothing till my unemployment credits come in understand, now leave before I get my blaster”.
“No sir we not bill collectors we are Jedi and we want to ask you about your midi-chlorians and if you are prepared to meet the Force for eternity”.
He stares at them strangely his face going through many incarnations and then he smiles.
“You two are Jedi, huh”?
“Yes we are”. “I am Master Juan-a-B1 and this is my young Padawan-learner R2-o-Upchucks, and we want to explain how the Force can change your life forever”.
“You would, would you”, he grins again, “Well gentlemen come right in. come right in”.
He turns and they follow him into the dwelling. They move into a dimly lit hovel, junk scattered everywhere. Once inside he moves to a suspensor seat briskly throwing trash off on the floor everywhere to make room for them to recline.
“Sit guys, make your self at home”. They look at each other and the yellow stained seat shrug and sit.
He quickly moves to a single seat across from them and lowers the volume on the holo projector screen. “Oh sorry guys I was watching the federation gladiators match, Vulcan’s verses the Predators what a wipe out, ever watch”?
“No not lately, thanks for inviting us in though”.
He smiles again slyly, “No problem, no problem”. “Hey wait a minute you guys want a nice cold spice beer”? He throws the empty he was holding to the floor with a crash and rises up unsteadily.
“No thank you”.
“Well you don’t mind if I do, dose ya”? He moves off to a dark area into the recesses of the building and comes back with a large bottle in his hand and sits grinning.
“Hey sorry about the mess, it the Wookies’ day off you know and, the droids broke”.
“Not to worry sir”.
“You sure you wont have a brewski this is the real deal, pure Melange Spice”. “I smuggled it myself on my last run through Arrakis, they don’t make it any more you know, not since that “Profit” went and wetted down the whole dern planet, killed all the worms you know”. “All you can get these days is that cheep synth spice not the same at all, wouldn’t even turn your eyes a light shade of green, if you know what I mean”, he winks.
“I wouldn’t know sir, we use the Force to get high”.
“Yea” he mutters, “the Force, yea, well tell me all about this Force business and how its goina save me will ya”, believe me I’m all ears friend, not a Ferengi though…ha, ha, ha”.
“Well sir, to start with, do you know where your midi-chlorians are right now and where you’re headed without the power of the Force in your life”? “We wouldn’t want you to be snared by the Seth for eternity”.
He lets out a loud belch and smiles at them again, “My midi-chlorians huh, hey what-da-say your name was again pilgrim”?
“I am Master Juan-a-B1 and this is my Padawan-learner R2-o-Upchucks, we are missionaries from the council of the Jedi”.
He belches again and takes a big swig from the bottle liquid dribbling down the front of his big belly and many-stained tunic.
“Well mister, Juan-a-B1”
“Master Juan-a-B1 sir” !
“Ah ! ohh yea, Well Master Juan-a-B1 Jedi, do you have any idea who I am”?
The master smiles, “You are a poor soul floundering about the cosmos without the guiding rudder of the Force in his life”?
His face twists in a sardonic grimace and he laughs loudly “Yea flndndering, I mean flurindeng, yea I’m a screwed up guy huh”?
“Yes sir, I believe so”.
“Well my dear Jedi it just so happens that I knew a few of your brothers not so long ago, hey I even helped them during the war”.
“You did sir”?
“Yea, you see, I’m Hans Solo” !
The Jedi sit up and look keenly at the man in front of them.
“Hans Solo sir, excuse me but General Solo is happily married to princes Leia and living on Datooine”.
“Yea”, he mutters’ “that’s what they want you to believe alright”.
“What do you mean sir”?
“Yea well, I’m Solo all right and that witch took me for everything I had”.
“But sir she a princess rich beyond means”.
“Yea buddy, its called spite my friend, a women scorned, catch on”?
“Sir I hardly think the princess would”…
“Listen, Mister Jedi, you just hold on a solar second bud”. “I heard all that hooky religion stuff and look where I am, livin, in a asteroid ghetto that’s where, and you have the gall to tell me what side of the bread has butter”. “You ever been married Jedi”?
“Well no sir but”…
“Yea but, sure but, listen pilgrims I got some news for you’all”.
A loud noise slams behind them as the blast door of the dome crashes closed. The Jedi turn and when they look back Solo is holding a blaster on them.
“Now my Jedi friends I got a little story for you, ok”?
“Mr. a..a, Mr. Solo, we are here in peace and love not to fight”.
“Right, right”, says Solo, “and that’s Mr. General Solo to you, by the way Jedi”. “You guys shoulda had that brewski when I offered it”. “it would have made this a lot easier for you, believe me”.
Solo levels the pistol at them, “Well guys I hope your right about the Force stuff cause in a few seconds your gonna know for sure huh”?
The Jedi lean back on the suspensor awaiting their cosmic fate.
Solo smiles and squeezes the trigger, but the blaster, fizzles, sparks, and dies smoke rising up.
“Oh darn”! Says Solo “darn piece of junk hmumumhumargggg”! He throws it off to the side and lurches forward toward the pair.
Quickly the small Jedi pulls out a tiny, little light saber and trashes it about at Solo.
Solo backs off staring at the diminutive weapon.
“What the heck is that suppose to be”? Asks Solo.
“My light saber” replies R2-o-Upchucks.
“Ralph” ! Admonishes the master, “I told you no weapons, no violence”.
Solo laughs, “that stinking little butter knife” as he grabs for the student the master pulls his full sized saber and hacks Solo to pieces on the floor.
“Master” says the Padawan “I thought you said no weapons”.
“Well”, says the master “the Force does help them that help themselves”.
He smiles at his student.
“What now master Juan-a-B1”?
“Well my young friend Id say we have brought peace to this place and our job is done for now, I believe its time to for us to leave”.
“Run master”?
“Like Romulan Road Runners, my Padawan apprentice”.
They move to the door, press the emergency escape button and quickly move out to the front walk.
“Master! Look”! Says the student.
They look forward and see two figures approaching.
“Lets cross the street” says the master.
As the do the Padawan speaks ”Master their Seth”!
“So they are my young Padawan”.
“And Master their wearing… ties”.
“I guess, times are hard… for all of us my student”.
“What should we do master”.
“Well it looks like their headed for the place we just left, so lets wait a bit and then we’ll make a little call to the local storm troopers, understand”?
The apprentice smiles “yes master I do”.
“Oh by the way Master” the student reaches into his tunic and pulls out two cold spice beers handing one to Master.
“Why thank you”, says the Master, “how did you get these”?
“The power of the Force, master, while you were administrating sacraments to that poor soul I checked out his liquid nitro cooler”. “I didn’t think he’d need them anymore, anyway master, as the Force says, waste not, want not”.
“My young Padawan”, the Master says nodding his head “I believe that you are going to advance very, very rapidly in the ranks of the Jedi”.
“Thank you master”.
“Master do you think that poor man was really general Solo”?
“Not likely, just some poor manic with too much spice in his system I’m afraid”.
“Hmm”, says the young monk sipping his beer, “he kinda looked like him though don’t you think”?
“Look kid”, says the master, “the High Jedi Council says that Princess Leia and General Solo are living on Datooine, and it really helps to remember that the Jedi council is infallible, especially if you expect promotions, ok”?
“Ok Master, I’ll remember”.
The Master smiles, “Hey this is pretty good beer, Thanks”.
“Your welcome master, the Force certainly works in strange ways doesn’t it master”?
“It sure does my son, it sure does”.
They walk on.
1949 Words ©Grant 2006 3/27/2006 9:30am
Natella2020
This was such a satisfying tale, captivating all the way to the end. Those two Jedi are a riot!