confusion

I was, I used to be, thinking back my spine held me upright before but now my veins are disappearing with their lack of blood flow and my eyes have faded dimmer than ever before and I can use all the metaphorical excuses I can muster but the reality of the here and now remains harsh too insensitive for the obsessive compulsive in me to drag up energy enough to beat an impulse. I’ve been sitting here in silence but no longer is it sweet and the numbness in my fingertips is not as it was so I can’t even squeeze a cold comfort out of simple familiarity this is a new and unsettling lack of feeling if even the bad habits have stopped plaguing me taunting me they used to but now I sit but not in self pity and not in fear of self and that habitual emptiness, o how I miss it in comparison to this void even the itching is missing all confusion and doubt and for the first time I want to tell someone about it about everything about how dark it gets at night and how natural it was to close my eyes just tilt my head back and scratch those pesky itches but pesky no more no, how I miss those itches now I still could you know I know I still could but would it help? would it, those old habits? I can’t remember if I’ve already tried it doesn’t matter it would only be temporary relief I realize now I need something more something lasting something permanent and although the obvious choice is always there I could never no matter how dark it gets I wont abandon that moral that principle that faith unforgivable reexamine my options: friends friends never worked before I could never trust I still can’t haven’t learned haven’t tried won’t can’t there was her could be no not don’t burden her she might understand but could never help a recent desperation: love love I ached I hoped I left in reserve until I found the perfect one I needed him to trust but trust no I can’t I won’t I wanted to but faith I have none I can’t believe there is good in man there is no good left in man he lost that to gain control long ago forgot how to love completely selfishly now he tries it he feigns it he doesn’t know how to sacrifice his control his ambition his pride he is no longer an option for me but I need this to change from what it is! drag me back into the dark or shove me forward into the mockingly bright light or hold me just hold me here as I am as I am now now in this indecision this sitting straight but sitting nonetheless this distant rhythm echoing against my skin this blurred vision of confusion and doubt all this metaphorical vomit in which I have always dared to spit my loyalty but no not now I am not as I was, I used to be, thinking back

confusion

executedweekly

Clarkston, United States

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