It was the summer of 1990. I just turned 16. My bedroom then still had the feel of a much younger teenager. The wooden walls were plastered with Heavy Metal posters, carnival prize mirrors and baseball pendants. The shelves were filled with action figures, trading cards and hot rod snap models.
Even my bed sheets displayed the heroic actions of the cartoon The Thundercats, but that didn’t seem to affect my girlfriend at the time, who happened to be the most artistic girl in high school from frolicking around on them.
Her name was Elizabeth. She was a thin, tall drink of water who had long black hair and lily white skin. She was flawless to my untapped eyes. Yes. This is one of those stories. A story of how a frail, bungling young boy lost his virginity and became a man, and all the juicy mumbo jumbo that goes with it.
Now I wasn’t totally inexperienced at 16, I had done everything you can do before having sex, like kissing with wild tongue, dry humping or hitting second base, I even mastered the unsnapping of the bra without even looking (my friends always called me Houdini because I was the only one out of the bunch who could do that frustrating task) I was definitely batting for the minors but never, ever have I swung in the majors by entering the holy-of-holies.
It happened on a Wednesday after school. I remember it was a Wednesday because every boy remembers his first time. Elizabeth and I were snuggling on my Thundercats sheets, enjoying and listening to the new Def Leppard album when the question was popped, “Well…do you wanna do it?!” she said. My eyes widened with a hint of fear and an overwhelming wave of heat poured through my body. “Do you??” I said in a rickety tone. “I mean, only if you want to, I don’t want to rush you into anything” I said. As I laid there waiting for her reply to my jittery blubber, I couldn’t stop thinking about what my uncle Tim told me when I was 13, he said that I would never, ever know what manhood was like until I had sex with a woman and… this was it! I was about to find out what manhood was made up to be! It was all about to happen as soon as she said the word!
Elizabeth sat up on the bed staring at me with her seductive green eyes and I remember the sunlight shined through the window behind her making her look just like Alyssa Milano from that TV show Who’s the Boss which really got me going because I always had the hots for Alyssa Milano. “Yes” she whispered. YES! she said YES! “OOOK” I said. “How should we do it?” “What do you mean?!” she said. “You don’t know how this works?!” “Whhhaaat?! whoa, of course I do!” I said. I stripped down to my birthday suit and waited for her to do the same, which seemed like an eternity because she was just smirking and squinting and bellowing out shy laughter, but within minutes she began taking off her clothes too. “Do you have a condom?” she said. “yes! Yes I do” I replied. I immediately jumped up and reached into a jar on my side table. “It’s a special one, it says ribbed for your pleasure” I muttered. I ripped open the packet and covered my upright solider that was twitching like a pigeon having a heart attack. “Ok, it’s on” I said. Elizabeth climbed on top of me and spoke softly in my ear, “ok, here weee go”, and BAM! WHAMO! KERPLUNK! WOWZA YOWZA! I WAS A MAN! I DID IT! I had set penis in the holy of holies! As I swiftly looked around my room, it seemed like everyone in my heavy metal posters was cheering me on and every action figure on the shelf had a fist in the air chanting, GO! GO! GO!
Even though I had no freaking idea what I was doing, I WAS doing it! Knockin’ boots, bumpin’ uglies, doing the nasty, boinking, shaggin’, rolling in the hay, and one minute later, just like that, it was over. My virginity was gone, nowhere to be found and Elizabeth was so thrilled that she was the one to take it. “Are you feeling ok?” she said. “You sound like you’re hyperventilating or something.” “Yeah, yeah I’m good,” I replied. “I just need to lay here for a bit and catch my breath.” Elizabeth just smiled and kissed me and laid her head on my chest.
After the whole anarchic, slapdash sexual fiasco ended, I couldn’t wait to get on the phone to call all my friends and tell them the wonderful news. I thought up things to say to them like, ‘hey man, what’s up? Oh yeah? That’s good. Oh by the way, I just got laid!’ and ‘hey man, what’s going on? oh you’re playing Nintendo and eating coco wheat’s? Nice, ain’t nothing sweeter…except maybe for sex because I just got some!’ And I laid there buck naked with a big crocodile smile across my face, my girl sleeping by my side, and the lead singer from Def Leppard rocking the tape deck, singing the lines, ‘but are you gettin’ it? (Armageddon it) Ooh, really gettin’ it? (Yes, Armageddon it)’ and you know what? I got it. I got it before I got my driver’s license. I got it at the ripe young age of sixteen and it only took a minute, but it was the best minute of my young adult life, that ironically happened to fall on a ‘hump day’.
On this miraculous day, I said Goodbye to my virginity. Goodbye to my sweet sixteen. I said goodbye to all the lovely ladies in the women’s lingerie section of the Sears catalog and I embraced my first time with a woman like any young man would, with pure satisfaction.
My first sexual experience gave me the confidence to try harder in life. To strive to become more responsible. To sound my ‘barbaric yawp’ and shed my boy-like skin.
Yes. Sex did this to me. It actually made me recognize the need for love. It made me recognize the need for support. And to sum it up, the need to grow up.
I have long since gotten rid of those Heavy Metal posters, those carnival prize mirrors and baseball pendants. I tossed out those hot rod snap models and gave away my action figures, but the one thing that I still have and cherish from that day I began walking amongst men, are those heroic bed sheets, and the reason I held on to those for so long is because you never know when a time will come when you have to look a beautiful woman in the eyes with the drive and the courage to unleash your animal instincts and say those three magic words, Thundercats are gooooo!!