The daunting task of strutting in big girl shoes. by Emraldae

Last night I put on my big girl shoes.
There’s still far too much room around my toes and I stumble every now and then but I’m slowly learning to strut when people are watching me.

It began with drinking red wine. As a general rule, I’ve always preferred red wine or champaign to nearly everything else. I learnt this mundane fact about myself during family gatherings since the age of about 14.
I don’t really know how I feel about drinking. There was a time in my life where I didn’t drink, there have been times in my life where I have. Both were choices I made.

Society is a funny thing. Legally, neither of those choices should have been choices. Socially, both were and still are.

I feel like I’ve lost myself these last few months. Almost as if the person I was is being shed like a cocoon leaving me half fading and almost real.

I turn 18 in 41 days.
It sounds like a long time away, but it starting not to feel like it.

I don’t think I’m ready to become legally responsible. There were so many things I was going to do when I turned 18.

I was going to get my licence.
I was going to go out drinking with all my closest friends.
I was going to get a tattoo.
I was going to be mature and responsible and completely adult.

The reality is standing a little more like

I haven’t even gone for my learners yet.
None of my close friends will be 18.
Because I haven’t got my learners, the chances of someone tattooing me are slim.
There is no way I will be mature or completely adult (whatever that means)

I may still be stumbling around in my big girl shoes, and I might be scared shitless about growing up, but I’m learning that the person I am turning into is beautiful. I am learning to accept the person I am becoming. It may not happen on the day I turn 18, but I think I’m growing up… However slowly.

Someone who used to know me well recently told me that I was turning into everything I said I never would.

Isn’t it odd how time changes us?