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A letter for my lover, though he'll never be mine

With the courage that every swig of my cooling ale brings, I am compelled to write, and quite simply say, I cannot stop thinking of you. Who knew?

And who knows why?

I know the facts. I am no longer a fool weakened by the heady stare of a seductive man, touching me with certainty and uttering words that should be savoured only by those who know of love.

Yet I am foolishly giddy on the memory of you. As giddy as a child holding her very first doll. As giddy a young girl twirling in her party dress, watching it balloon just below her knees. As giddy as a teenager re-counting the warmth of a first kiss. As giddy as a young woman, feeling for the first time, the touch of a man’s hand with all the promise and intimacy he holds.

I am giddy on you.

It was only one night but I could sculpt your body, your every curve, from memory alone. The breadth of your shoulders, the depth of your eyes. The strength in your hand, the smooth scoop of your back. I know your scent. Your melting smile.

You blink when you laugh, did you know that? Does she know that?

It has only been minutes since you walked away, yet my very core is pulling you back.

I watch thoughts flash before my eyes, strobe like in appearance. Had I held out my hand would you have stopped? If I spoke from my heart would you have faltered?

I am no longer a child and I know the facts. You suffer your own torments, your own battles to fight. But would you have stayed had I asked?

I know the facts and yet still, I am giddy on you.

And so I watch you leave, swallowed by the warm distant night. Would you have stayed had I asked?

But you are gone.

The kiss of goodbye lingers, hanging mockingly in the air, awkward and foreign. It was the kiss of our death.

I am a woman and I know the facts.

Where you once kissed me with passion I am now raw with pain. My body lies naked, open and abused. Though my heart beats wildly with the memory of you.

I want you to stay but I know the facts.

I want you to stay but I know you too well.

Does she?

I want you stay and so I say goodbye. I kiss sweetly in return, missing my aim, giving love to the air that steals you away.

I know the facts and you didn’t stay.

But I know the facts, and I’ll love, one day.

Journal Comments

  • Bridget a'Beckett
  • Whirligig