How to relax in 4 steps (The writers cut)

There are so many directions I could lead you in your quest to relaxation so I will just start this off.

When you have had a hard day then you come home to a messy house and screaming kids all you want to do is relax anyway possible. Here are some steps to help you.

Step one tell you children that there was a monster following you home and the
monster likes to eat little children this must all be done with a look of such great terror on your face. I know I know this isn’t helping you yet but be patient.

Step two tell the children that the only way to stay alive is to hide in a closet for at least five hours or maybe even until morning, don’t forget to mention that they must be perfectly quiet.

Step three this one is crucial because children are always skeptical so you have to stomp around making ungodly noises that could only come from a child eating monster. Again I know you’re still not relaxed, well I’m sure you’re getting a good laugh though.

Step four grab a blanket and a pillow, lie down and read a book or maybe take a nap because no matter what, the night is yours and your kids are not coming out of the closet until there is daylight. Wait a minute this is a great temporary fix but I didn’t think about the years of therapy your going to have to go through with your children so scratch that idea lets just keep moving forward.

Ok this time I’ve got it, so life is really stressful and everything is just piling on top of you, what do you do?

Step one pack your clothes. Step two buy a plane ticket, I think first class would be best unless of course you stress over spending money then coach is you best friend.

Step three, wait step three already? Well lets see, there was step one pack, then step two plane, ok yeah step three, this one is going by quick I must really have it this time. Step four no wait wait wait I still need step three. Ok step three arrive at your beach vacation.

Step four lie on the sand with of course the possibility of building a sand castle, or go swimming, maybe a long walk what ever makes you feel relaxed. That sounds really good. Who couldn’t relax while following those steps? Oh wait I just thought of something, planes aren’t relaxing nor is packing for that matter, no matter what you always feel like you left something behind because you did. Really I guess the beach isn’t that relaxing either. There is always families with little devil children, but you could tell them that a sand monster will eat them if they are not quiet, no no no then you might get arrested. But still that’s not the only thing that isn’t relaxing about it, there are sharks and jelly fish and crabs which might I add look like spiders with claws instead of fangs. Maybe this one should be left out because it’s not going to help either.

Ok here we go this time I really have it.

Step one call up some friends to get together.

Step two go out to the bars.

Step three consume lots of alcohol.

Step four drive your self home and go to bed. Yeah there we go short and to the point in other words perfect. O Crap I think I just told people to drink and drive… yup I did, great this is not going to go well with the press. I knew it seemed too good to be tr…..

Sorry about just leaving off there but I got it, the only way I can think of to relax is this.

Step one don’t get into your car but if you must please don’t be drunk and also make sure there are not any monsters following you.

Step two don’t go to the book store, well if you must watch out for sharks and or crabs in the parking lot.

Step three don’t ask the people who work there for my book because to be honest they probably don’t even know they carry it, shall you try and find it yourself it is in the closet behind the frightened children (just push them aside).

Step four don’t read my book, but if you do take nothing I say serious for I may have been drunk or in therapy when I wrote it.

How to relax in 4 steps (The writers cut)


Kinderhook, United States

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