I imagined crawling inside myself. A glass shell surrounding me. I swallowed myself like a capsule I needed to feel better and gain clarity. The journey was ever changing and I had to stay focused. Inside the glass I was like the ball in a pinball machine when I entered my brain which stores and whores and pours my mental confusion and perplexities. I bounced around just barely hitting on important thoughts before I moved on to the next. I could feel the confusion mating with the frustration. I was being given glimpses of so many internal conversations but none could I grasp because my life was moving at warp speed. Maybe it just felt that way because I was running….
A thought occurred to me that maybe I wasn’t making the necessary connections [of] mind and [to] heart and it wasn’t out of ignorance. It was out of an overbalancing of the want or needs in life. As I moved on I noticed a worn path to my right which traveled southward. Intrigued, I decided to follow that! Inside my protected shell I viewed so many beautiful and wonderful treasures that had been neglected or overlooked through the years. Living still among the neglect all by themselves and fed by hopes and dreams of one day being carried to the surface like an artists creation or the color on a petal.
Soon it felt as though something was pulling me into a flow which I began to get caught up in. All around me there was warmth. Reaching out, as we do so many times in life, I could feel that familiar comforting against my hands as I pressed them harder to the glass. Laying my cheek against it I closed my eyes and just felt. All I could think of in that moment was the need to just…. feel…..
Moments later I opened my eyes and found myself inside a living beating heart full of dancing memories and loving moments. Against the edges drinking from the healing scarlet river were scars slowly blooming into new strengths along the rivers banks.
My journey became bumpy and as I looked over my shoulder I notice some of the conversations from the mind has attached themselves to the glass with veins of need and determination. Tears began to wet my lips so that I could taste the salty sweat life balances us with. As I accepted the new directions the pair began to release into the heart and together their joining became understanding. My spirit became forgiving and stronger and excited. As I felt the euphoria settle over me, I began to wander into the realm of “Why”…….
Why do we want love but not the steps that take us to the top?
Why can’t the level of giving be enduring and reciprocated?
Why are most people too lazy to care for and respect a rare gift they know they have found?
Why are people scared to feel deeply and completely?
Seems happiness is to be found from the inside out. An important progression and one that should be learned early but seldom is. Though the reality is that “Life” is necessary to ferment the sweet taste of happiness. Once achieved and understood, the pitfalls of loneliness can’t hurt to the extent it does. Master the flesh, master the happiness for the balance it can bring . Fulfillment being the one commonality found both internally and externally yet until it is partnered, I live half a life……inside this glass. Trying so hard to join the mind with the heart, the flesh with the spirit. Searching like so many to find a way to break the glass and soothe the turmoil in a life long journey of understanding and loving and peaceful existence with another. I want to break the ache and embrace
the taste of real fulfillment of being alive. I want that for so many more like me but our journeys may be meant to be traveled alone and that is why happiness has to grow from the inside first…
I was supposed to go to Mardi Gras today. It would have been my first ever. This is the closest I have lived to an actual event. Just 30 minutes away. I was excited… Life beyond my control deemed that I stay home. Sitting outside on a beautiful day with my own quiet thoughts egging me on into this reflective state of mind has made me a little more determined to be happy.:)