Daniel Rarela

I’ve decided to take a chance here, and tell a little bit more of the truth than I might actually be comfortable with. It’s been a blast so far here on RedBubble – seeing how both my visual and written works have been so well received by the online community, and also seeing the variety of people who have taken a liking to my work. It runs the gamut from liberals, conservatives, agnostics, Christians, Muslims, homosexuals, heterosexuals, girly girls, manly men… and I’m grateful for every comment, sale, and “favorite” I get! (again, THANK YOU SO MUCH, GUYS!)

Aside from my poetic voice, I’ve been mostly silent about most of the social/ religious issues that many others have been so vocal about here on RedBubble. The main reason for that was because I believed that if I could capture it right, my photography and poetry could, for the most part, speak the message for themselves without me having to elaborate too much.

There IS, however, one issue that I’ve tried to put into a poem… one issue I’ve tried to capture with photography (and I will one day)… but for now, this issue deserves to be talked about in a straight up, straightforward manner, before it takes the form of an image or a poem.

The issue… my issue, at hand, is reconciling my Christian faith with my homosexuality.

Oil and water (or so many pastors/ gay activists would have you believe), and both are a part of who I am. Those of you who have read my written works should know quite clearly by now that I am a follower of Jesus Christ, the Son of God, and the only person who ever lived on this planet who really knew what life was meant to be. Those of you who have read a little further into my work might have also guessed that yes, I’m attracted to men. I prefer not to call it “gay,” mainly because there are so many connotations to that word which I don’t fit at all. People might say being gay simply means you’re attracted to the same sex, which is true… but give me your SUBCONSCIOUS definition of gay, and it’s doubtful as to whether I still fit it.

Do I have a high-pitched voice with an effeminate twang? No.

Do I have a giant rainbow flag covering the walls in my room? No.

Do I wear tight pink shirts and ass-hugging jeans? A: I hate pink, and any color that resembles it… and B. my body needs a good amount of breathing room, so I don’t feel a constant need to accentuate whatever muscles I have.

Do I frequent gay clubs/ events… and have I hooked up with every single man who I thought would want to sleep with me? No. I’ve been to gay clubs and it’s not my scene at all. And I’ve only had sex twice in my life… the last time of which was 4 years ago, a few months before I made the decision to let God in my life. In any case, there’s something to be said for monogamy, commitment, and knowing you’re worth more than just letting every single horndog get a piece of you, regardless of how sexy they look or act. Sex, for me, is now an honor of the highest level that only a soulmate deserves (more on that another day…)

So, considering all of the above, does that mean I’m in the closet, or that I’m ashamed of what I am?

Ah! NOW it gets interesting. First off, technically, there IS no closet, and it’s sad that it even has to be an issue. Just the fact that I’m talking about it now should tell you that, I guess, I’m stepping out of “the closet,” but if you’re expecting any big change in the subject matter of my art, OR my poetry… then you might be more than a little disappointed. If homosexuality is such a controversial issue, it’s only because both Christian AND gay activists/ fundamentalists have made it that way when it doesn’t need to be. I wouldn’t have been writing this otherwise. It’s turned into some kind of social war that, frankly, I don’t want to be a part of, because it feels as if there’s nothing for either side to win anyway.

On one side, I hear the term “gay pride” and can’t help but shake my head in disbelief. I look at it in the same way African American groups might say “Black is beautiful.” Yes, it’s true, Black IS beautiful, but NOT more beautiful than any other skin color. So, what’s the deal with gay pride? You’re telling me you’re proud of being gay? You’re proud of something that you had absolutely no control over? You might as well say you’re proud of having black hair and brown eyes! I suppose you want a cookie now? There’s no pride OR shame in that. It just is what it is. I’m all for treating people equally, but how can that ever happen if we keep dicing people into little groups based on factors they had no control over, like skin color or sexual preference? The undertones of the whole “pride” thing is that one group is somehow better than another, and I don’t want any of it.

And, of course, to the hardcore, ultra liberal, left wing gay activist, there’s something else I need to ask you… you DO know what those hardcore “Christian” right-wing wackos are saying about you, don’t you? You DO know the argument they’re using to get all those simple minded “believers” to fly into a rage when they think about you, right? That homosexuals (particularly the men) are promiscuous, sleazy, trashy, obsessed with sex and sexual sin?

So tell me, how are you proving them wrong? By having gay parades/ events/ clubs where you have nearly naked muscular guys writhing about in thongs and fetish outfits? By shaking your ass so hard that you’re practically saying “HEY EVERYBODY! COME HERE AND FUCK ME!”? By eating your boyfriend’s face in public (when it’s already appalling enough when straight couples do it)? By looking and acting as if the only thing on your mind is how to get the next cute guy to mount you like a horse? By acting as if the whole “gay agenda” takes of 90 percent of your time, as if there aren’t issues that are more important, like war and poverty?

I cannot stress this enough – if all you really want is to love your man sincerely and wholeheartedly without persecution (for it would be selfish of you to want anything more), then it’s probably NOT the best idea to start by validating the ignorance of the people you wish so desperately to enlighten.

And now, a word to the hardcore, conservative, right wing Christian fundamentalist that is so certain I’m going to Hell because of a “lifestyle choice” that, first of all, isn’t even a “lifestyle,” and secondly, I didn’t even choose – cut the parrot talk, and take a moment to actually THINK about what you’re accusing me of!

Let me start off my point by quoting from the great Neal Boortz (who, incidentally, is a right-wing, heterosexual, Christian Libertarian who amazingly hasn’t lost his hold on what common sense is):

“This ‘homosexuality is a choice’ nonsense can be put to bed with one question. Just tell me: At what point in your life did you decide that you were going to be a _hetero_sexual? Come on, surely you can remember such a big decision! Why, it must be one of the most important decisions you ever made! A decision that determined whether or not you would have children – whether or not you would be ostracized and hated by a significant segment of our population. Surely that must have made some kind of impression on your memory, no?”

Well, I’m waiting! I’ll tell you more about my “choice” to live a “homosexual lifestyle” if you can give me some details on the moment when you “chose” to live a “heterosexual lifestyle.” Do you think I would’ve enjoyed being made fun of in the hallways when I was in high school? Do you think I would’ve enjoyed the “ew, get away from me” look I would’ve gotten from a lot of people in my church if I even gave the slightest hint that I’m attracted to other guys? Do you think I’ve enjoyed asking God all throughout my teenage years what was wrong with me, and why He wasn’t fixing it up faster?

Please, do you know who you’re talking to? I’m Daniel Rarela. I’m Dr. J, the photographer. I graduated from California State Polytechnic University of Pomona in four years, at the tender age of 21, AND with honors! Plus, I’m an officer of Golden Key International Honour Society, and a damn efficient one too. Now I’m not saying that Albert Einstein’s got nothing on me, but I’m pretty sure you can at least agree that I’d be intelligent enough to choose something other than homosexuality, if I really did have the choice.

You might tell me to let Jesus Christ enter my life as Lord and Savior so my affliction can be cured, but I’ve got news for you – I already did, and Jesus has saved me from both depression and suicide, even if I didn’t suddenly wake up and become attracted to women. Believe me, when you bastardize God’s word enough so that the message becomes more focused on hate and legalism, as opposed to love and forgiveness, it’s enough to make anybody depressed enough to want to kill themselves! Thankfully, the Truth has hidden itself somewhere in the Bible which you have oversimplified and quoted from only selectively (Osama Bin Laden and Al Qaeda did the same thing with Islam and the Koran – you guys should all get together sometime)… and while the Truth wasn’t easy to find, God has blessed me with enough wonderful teachers that I was able to persevere and slowly take hold of it, little by little. The Holy Spirit, Donald Miller, C.S Lewis, and my mother were only a few of many.

The way you rage on about the perverseness of homosexuality, one would almost think you regarded it as the worst sin that could take hold of anyone. Is that true, then? Worse than greed, or drunkenness, or pride, or cowardice?

If yes, then can you prove it? Can you point out a verse in the Bible that justifies putting all the focus on sexual sin while you turn a blind eye to things like the overall health of the planet, or poverty, or wars started by people who claim to love Jesus Christ, the Prince of Peace? Yeah, do you remember Him? That guy who told his friends to put their swords away even they were trying to save him from a death that was necessary in order to save them? Can you really hold your head that high and condemn me when you claim to follow a man that wanted us all to be humbled and love each other? Or are you just gritting your teeth right now, wishing you could cross John 15:12 out of the Bible without God making you suffer the consequences?

Stop looking at me like I’m so different from you, like I’m the “other” person. God is with me even through my sleaziest, most shallow sexual tendencies, in the same way He is with a former alcoholic trying her hardest not to walk into a bar at 12AM after she gets into a fight with her deadbeat father. And sure, you might not have suffered from the pains of being a homosexual, or an alcoholic, or suffered the consequences of being a greedy businessman or a chronic liar… but if pride gets the best of you because of that, and if you turn your nose up at me, thinking you’re better than me (even subconsciously)… just remember that pride is what got Satan kicked out of Heaven. Pride is also what got Adam and Eve kicked out of the garden, and what destroyed the relationship they had with God. That being the case, you’re just as screwed as I am, in terms of who it is that deserves to burn in Hell. Thankfully, there’s this wonderful thing about God called GRACE – radical love and compassion, the ability to forgive things that only He can. And if you realize that the whole point of being a Christian is try to make people (particularly nonbelievers) look at you and say “S/he reminds me of Jesus,” then perhaps you can have enough GRACE to realize that my sins are no worse than your own.

So if you even think of calling me a fag, then what you need to do is look in the mirror and think about what you ought to call yourself – are you a follower of Jesus Christ, or a Pharisee? Believe me, if you’ve read the New Testament at all, you will see that there actually is a difference between the two.

Finally, a word to everyone now – the leftist gay activist, the right wing Christian fundamentalist, and everyone in between – yes, I’m a homosexual Christian, but the incredulity of that is only in your head, and only so much as you make it to be. I didn’t choose my sexual preference… and looking back, I didn’t really choose to follow Jesus Christ either. It’d be more accurate to say that I heard the Word whispered to my soul… I hungered for more… and the more I found out, the less I was able to refuse what was being offered to me. People might call me crazy, but I honestly can’t see what’s so insane about loving your neighbor as yourself, in treating everyone fairly, in doing away with favoritism among people, and realizing that every single person on this planet needs to be hugged, spoken to, and held… even if all of that is so much more than any of us deserve. Granted, there are a whole lot of things in the Bible I don’t understand… like why homosexuality was spoken of so harshly during the few times Paul actually brought it up during his ministry, or why Jesus Himself once compared a desperate Gentile woman to a dog begging for food scraps (it’s like he came awfully close to calling her a bitch)… BUT, I can honestly say that the New Testament, when looked at through the right lens, is something so indescribably good and life-refreshing that I’m willing to endure all the little oddities just to grasp hold of the greater Truth that it contains. That’s what I want my life to be about.

The fact that I can only see myself holding hands with a man, is only a small piece of who I am – God is present in everything that I am… present in every good, virtuous, creative, and beautiful thing that we are and do. My sexual “preference” might make me a little different, and our differences certainly make us interesting to one another, but it’s the similarities between people that really unite us.

Don’t think I’m so exotic or otherworldly just because I’m a homosexual, or rather, a homosexual and a Christian at the same time – I don’t care much for fashion, I buy my clothes at Target (yes, in the Men’s section), I don’t consider Madonna or Cher to be goddesses, I DO consider Ryan Seacrest to be just as annoying as William Shatner, I love Nichole Nordeman AND Nine Inch Nails, I (with all due respect) think it’s wrong that some homosexuals have tried to attach a “culture” to something that is merely a sexual preference, and I also think it’s wrong that fundamentalist Christians have made it a much bigger issue about it than it needs to be… and I also, on occasion, have gas, act like a nerd, and eat at McDonald’s, if that helps =)

Sure, I might never be able to marry (I’ll get more in depth about gay marriage another day), or have children, but if that’s some of the things I need to give up in order to honor what Jesus has done for me, then so be it. He endured torture and crucifixion for all of humanity to be saved, and He succeeded on His first attempt… I, on the other hand, am trying to give up the chances I might have at romance and a family for Him, and I feel like I’m failing at it every day. Yes, it’s terrible and painful and crazy in the eyes of the world, but even if I succeed at my own personal/ spiritual goals, one can hardly argue that that makes me even with the sacrifice God made for all of us.

Of course, being only 22, I don’t have all the answers… there’s so much more to learn and so much more that needs to be said. But at least now… when you guys here on the Bub read “Lord, Please Tell Me” or “Man to Messiah,” and wonder why it’s next to poems like “Full Bodied Conversations” or “Equation of Lust,” you no longer need to wonder why. Or if you read “Full Bodied Conversations” and realize it’s being spoken from a man’s perspective, or look at the praise my work has gotten from Robert Knapman (whom I deeply admire and respect), and wonder why I’m not a member of the Gay Sexuality group here on RedBubble, or why I don’t flaunt my sexuality a little more than perhaps some RB’ers would want me to, well… now you know.

Peace & love, everybody.

Dan

(ps, and I just realized it’s Martin Luther King Day! Happy MLK Day, everybody!!! And don’t think it’s just a coincidence that I suddenly got inspired to write about this and finish it as the clock struck midnight… perhaps God’s just making sure I do my part, however small it may be, to make sure Martin’s dream might just come true after all)