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Murder Musings In A Bar

I really shouldn’t be going through all of this, she thought as she fidgeted on the bar stool of the second bar she had been in tonight. But how else was she going to show off her sexy new clothes? Hell yeah, she needed to sit there if she was going to have any kind of alibi when the police came knocking at her front door. And they would come knocking just as soon as his mother had not heard from him in a few days. Looking down, she realized that she was really relying on the short black mini dress, fish net stockings, and the stiletto heels to get her remembered by at least a couple of the drunks in this small town loser of a so called bar. And maybe those two sexy looking men across the room would be just the ones to collaborate her being here. She stroked her long auburn hair and winked her emerald green eye as she flashed a toothy smile in their direction. Yep, she needed eyewitnesses to place her here. She wanted every piece of evidence she could get to make her look innocent when the cops came sniffing around. And the more she flirted, the more attention she would attract and the more she would be remembered. Hadn’t her dress worked wonders in Delaney’s Bar a few hours ago? She simply had to stay focuseed on what she was doing right now. Still, she snickered to herself as she ran over the images in her mind of her escapades in the other bar earlier that evening. But back to the business at hand, and that was telling everyone who would listen that her husband was out of town visiting that wretched mother of his. She would say that she was just doing a little partying to beat the boredom while he was gone, and bingo presto she would have her alibi and and take her place as the “victimized wife”. Perfect! She would be free and clear! She would be rid of that miserly mama’s boy of her’s once and for all. She tried to keep herself from watching that infernal clock tick, tick, ticking on the wall. Every movement of the second hand meant that she was that much closer to the oven being done with its business. Mentally she could feel every ticking second pulsate through all of her senses like a bomb sitting ready to detonate. She thought her brain would literally explode in her head! Practically jumping out of her skin, she turned in the direction of loud laughter coming from the corner of the room. Were they laughing at her? For god’s sake, she had to get a grip on herself! She told herself to think about summer vacations she would take without him, about the beaches she would go to, and the shopping sprees she would make. A couple more hours and the cooking process would all be over. She would go home and dispose of the last remaining ashes, go through the motions of “looking for him”, and filing the missing person’s report. She laughed out loud at the thought of how frantic her mother in law would be. When the time was right she would be on a plane and be gone with the money that miser had secretly squirreled away in the garage. She could not believe her eyes when she opened the car trunk of that ole fixer upper he had been working on for years. The trunk was full of money and he begrudged every single thing she bought! What had he been saving it for? She just had to get a grip! She wished that the clock would move a little faster and that oven would, too. The sooner she was rid of the last of him the better! When the last of him was incinerated, she would do what she had done to the other batches…grind them up in the garbage disposal and they would go straight into into the city sewer system never to be found again. Who could ask for a better way to get rid of the evidence and him at the same time? She had to remind herself over and over that the hard part was done but still her mind made her reprocess it all. First there was the poisoning of his food. That was putrid and she wished he hadn’t puked all over the carpet. Then right before he had lost consciousness she did have the presence of mind to help him into a waiting tub of water, telling him that the warm water would “comfort”. Yeah, it comforted him right out of his last breath and just as soon as his last breath was drawn, she sliced his wrists and arms so that as much excess blood as possible would leak out into the water. That way she could make sure it would all go down the drain with a minimal mess to clean. The dragging of his scrawny lifeless body to the plastic tarp in the kitchen was the real bitch! Yeah, and covering every surface, to make sure to catch even the slightest of blood splatters, was a real pain in the ass! She could still feel the ache in her lower back from dragging him from the bathroom into the kitchen. But carving him up with a chain saw….. that part had actually been fun! And that chain saw was so user friendly! She told the man at the store that the saw was a “present” for him. She giggled at the thought of his inept self ever using such a thing. The only thing that held her back from sending his mother his bloody middle finger in the mail was the possibility of prison. A smile slowly spread over her face from the memory of all she had done to get to this point but she was jolted back to the present and then to the memory that the other batches of body parts took about three hours to turn to ash in her self cleaning oven. And here she was, sitting pretty while the last batch was was incinerating! Happy days would soon be here! She was almost giddy with the excitement of it all. She flashed another toothy come on smile at the two men at the other end of the room. She reached for another sip of her martini as seductively as she could as she watched the two men strolling her way. She felt their presence beside her and as she turned, she felt the cold snap of a hand cuff on her wrist. It all happened so fast and everything was a blur but they were cuffing her! Before she thought, her martini talked for her and she blurted, “How did you find out that I killed my husband?”. “We didn’t… until this moment”, one of under cover officers shot back. “Lady, we just thought you had had a little too much to drink and that perhaps you were soliciting for prostitution. So we were just going to put you in the drunk tank for the night. But we will be only too glad to book you for murder one while you are there drying out.”

Murder Musings In A Bar

Deborah Lazarus

Macon, United States

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Artist's Description

Pull up a bar stool and listen to this woman muse to herself about murdering her penny pinching husband.

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