Scene: Inside a petri dish. A conversation between two human-cow hybrid embryos.
(CHARACTERS:)(JEREMY, A HUMAN-COW HYBRID EMBRYO)(BRIAN, A HUMAN-COW HYBRID EMBRYO)_SOUND: SOME SORT OF ’BLOOPING’ AND/OR BEEPING, TO SUGGEST ALABORATORY_BRIANAlright Jeremy?JEREMYEh, alright Brian.BRIANFancy a pint of the old, ah, old amber fluid?JEREMYAmniotic fluid?BRIANThat’s right mate, that’s right.SOUND: BRIAN POURS A BEER; JEREMY TAKES A GULPJEREMYLovely. It’s a nice bit of petri dish you’ve got foryourself here, mate. Very nice.BRIANWell thanks, Jez. Just lucky I suppose.JEREMYHeh. Lucky. Maybe.BRIANYou alright mate? You don’t seem your usual bubbly,yet-to-be-born self.JEREMYWell, to be honest, I’m a bit fed up mate.BRIANFed up?JEREMYRight. Fed up. Have you seen the papers lately?BRIANNo, mate, I stay away from ’em, ever since we startedgetting in the news. You should too – they’ll onlyupset you.JEREMYWell, I am upset. Have a look at this. Headline: ’Sevenout of ten people think hybrid embryos are wrong.’ Someof them real weirdos are calling us the Devil’s work.It’s very upsetting.BRIAN(SIGHS)Well, I don’t blame you. Being half man, half cow, it’snot easy.JEREMYNot at all. I mean, you try and do your bit, you know,for science and all that. And what do you get? ’Hybridembryos are the spawn of Satan’, that’s what you get.BRIANNow, Jeremy, you’ve got to-JEREMYNo, no, look, I’ve got just as much right to be halfcow as the next man, haven’t I?BRIANHmmm. Yes. Yes, damn right you have. Let me see thatpaper.SOUND: RUSTLING NEWSPAPER PAGESBRIAN(PAUSE)Pfeh. You know what I say to them?JEREMYWhat’s that?BRIANMoooooooooo!JEREMYYou what?BRIANMoooooooo! That’s what I say.JEREMYDamn straight. The other day, I was talking to my mateNemo-BRIANNemo?JEREMYYeah, Nemo – he’s half guppy – and he said he felt thesame way. You know, we’re doing an important job forscience, and we should be respected for it. So wethought up a campaign slogan.BRIANYeah?JEREMYYeah. It goes: ’Semi-human, not sub-human.’BRIANOoh, not bad, pretty snappy. Lacking a bit of, I don’tknow, punch though.JEREMYOh, you think?BRIANYeah. How about: ’Semi-human, not sub-human, MOOOOO!’JEREMYOh, nice! Brilliant. Thanks, mate.BRIANOr how about: ’You can clone us, but you don’t own us’?JEREMYNice, nice. What about ’Send in the clones’?BRIANUm, I think that’s been done.JEREMYIt has?BRIANMore than once, I suspect.JEREMYWell, sorry. I am only 17 minutes old, you know. Moooo!BRIANThat’s OK, mate. Not your fault. Cross-species hybridsolidarity, that’s what’s important.JEREMYThanks, mate.BRIANNo worries. You know, all this political activism’sgiving me a hell of an appetite though.JEREMYMe too. I could murder a hamburger.BRIANMmm, or a beef curry. Do you think, when we hatch out,they’ll buy us one?(END)
Another short comedic radio play written (in vain!) for the BBC. Human-cow embryos developed by British scientists were in the news at the time of writing. Anything with human-cow embryos in it kind of writes itself, I think!