SKETCH: RAIN OF ZOMBIES
STUDIO ANCHOR (KEN)
SCENE : ON LOCATION IN BARNSLEY, YORKSHIRE
ANCHOR (V.O.): We cross now to Annie Cropley, reporting live from Yorkshire, where the local residents are apparently experiencing some unusual weather. Annie?
F.X.: SOUND OF STORM RAINS FAINTLY THROUGHOUT, INTERSPERSED WITH OCCASIONAL MOANSREPORTER:
Yes, thanks Ken, I’m here in Barnsley, where I’m in the middle of what can only be described as a rain of the living dead.MAN 1:
Aye, it were just a light drizzle this mornin’, the odd one comin’ down in the front yard every few minutes. Some of ‘em couldn’t walk, o’ course, on account o’ droppin’ out o’ sky, but them as could just sort o’ wandered around the place, sightseein’ like. Weren’t no trouble, as long as you stayed indoors wi’ shotgun. Then around tea-time it started gettin’ heavier, ‘til it were comin’ down cats an’ dogs. And zombies. Hell of a racket they made, on roof.REPORTER:
The first zombies were reported around ten o’clock this morning, so it’s been raining for about six hours now. At first it seems the residents of Barnsley tried to go on about their usual day, but the rising tide of living dead seems to have made things more difficult as the day’s gone on.WOMAN 1:
My poor old pussy can’t take much more of these zombies, I can tell ee.
F.X.: A CAT HISSES LOUDLY
Aye, them’s all over the place, dreadful mess they make. Tangled up in washing line, bangin’ on door of pub before openin’, splittin’ open the heads of passers-by and scoopin’ out the brains. Dreadful mess.REPORTER:
I asked meteorologist Dick Wobble: just how did this rain of zombies come about?METEOROLOGIST:
Well Annie, we can’t say for sure, but it’s likely that a large group, or posse if you like, of the undead has encountered a strong updraft, perhaps during some kind of migration, most likely during a cyclone or tornado. And a particular set of climatic conditions has led this group-REPORTER:
Or posse, yes, of undead, to stay up, in the cloud layer, moving west until they met an area of low pressure coming across northern England.REPORTER:
But where would they have come from?METEOROLOGIST:
Well, it’s hard to say of course, but it would have to be an area with both strong tropical weather systems, and a high concentration of individuals willing and able to circumvent the natural cycle of life and death, through voodoo or some other means. I think perhaps these zombies have been up there since Hurricane Katrina hit New Orleans.REPORTER:
For the moment, emergency services are doing their best to stem the tide of the unholy, but for the most part are expecting to have to wait out the storm until the full extent of the damage can be assessed.MAN 2:
It’d been comin’ down for about an hour, just started gettin’ heavier, and up pops that Geri Halliwell, right there in the street, and she’s singin’ away about how it’s rainin’ men. Ruddy cheek. ‘Course she didn’t last long; one o’ them zombies come up and cut ‘er in half, started suckin’ the marrow out o’ her bones. Serves ‘er right, daft cow.REPORTER:
For now, Ken, it’s back to you in the studio.
This is a sketch written for a BBC topical/news spoof show, though not picked up. It’s for radio, but the directions could be changed to video or stage style.