Casualty of Depression
All writing images poetry and lyrics copyright dimarie painter
637FE-46E2D-C4743
Some people who are very dear to me are goin thru the depths of depression…
as much as I will be there for them, and do all i can…
sometimes i feel i am a bit of a casualty of their despair…
my own feelings and pain and issues are pushed aside, kept hidden, so as to give them what they need….
I cant be there if i’m focusing on my own issues…
but sometimes it all gets a bit much
but we will get thru it
no matter how long it takes…
edited to add….
I understand depression, and its power…
those of you who know me, will knhow of my own depression that I have had since i was a child…and my utter contempt for my own depression, and denial and defiance of it that i go thru daily to the point where quite often i can come across as quite positive…full of life.
Its usually an act…to a degree….
no words i speak are lies, i mean all of what i say, i see the good in all things, and its thru this that i have been chewed up and spat out too many times to count
and i have forgiven some of those who did wrong onto me
but others i havnt been able to…
this despair of my own, is always brimming just under the surface
always there waiting for me to get knocked down even slightly so it can consume me…
and so it does sometimes
but then the highs of life will kick in and i feel so great and truly positive and i have love and smiles for everything….
nothing is really that bad….
not lack of funds or food…
or peoples shitty moods
or dealing with all the past…
but it doesnt last
its never strong enough to coax my loved ones out of their own despair
and at times i have to leave
breathe
because their despair is contaminating my happy delusions… it threatens…no it does…take the sweetness out…..
and they see it…they see me breaking…
and it kills them
and that kills me
and its such a bit if a twisted mess
But i am resolved to be there for them
be there to the end
Casualty of Depression belongs to the following groups:
All Out Emotion, All Things Poetic, Artistic, Philosophical and Voices of the Dark and the DeepYour eyes have lost their lustre,
Your smile I see no more,
Your lack passion for all around you,
Your depression is eating my soul…
Your tainting my world with your bitter touch,
Your bringing me down to your way,
You smother me in your darkness,
And there is no fucking escape…
You resist all of my efforts,
To bring a smile to your lips,
You hold back from affection,
You withdraw from all of this…
You shrink back from the light,
Ready to fight,
Oh What a sight,
Your so twisted in your despair,
You cant see how much we care,
And how much it hurts us so,
The damage you wreak,
The pain you seek,
All because your low,
Deep in your depression,
Deep in your despair,
Your melancholy anger,
Can give off quite a scare…
And then you speak of suicide,
Of wanting it all to end…
And all I can do is be there,
Try and be a good friend.
But your killing me,
With all your hate,
With all this loathing of life so great…
Its taking its toll,
Leaving a hole,
Chipping away at my defences from fate.
And I could be you,
And you could be me,
What would you offer then,
To make it all sweet…
Understanding your pain,
Is drivin me insane,
Why cant I fix it and make you whole again..
Why cant we win in this awful game…
I try to bring you light and hope each day,
but you continue to turn me away,
I’m just not sure how much more I can take….
But all this I wont tell,
Wont burden your brow,
Will keep it inside where it cant damage your plight,
To emerge from your darkness into the light…
Where you are so missed,
And cared for and loved,
But you refuse to see us,
Thru your cloud of self doubt…
And all of your hatred and anger misplaced,
Threatens to tear down the walls in this place,
Threatens to destroy all of us who you love,
But you just do not see it…
What you’re doing to us,
And sooner or later if this goes on how it is,
We’ll have to let go…
And you’ll be on your own…
But you always be loved and you’ll always be missed,
please for our sake dont let it come to this…
I can no longer tell,
If I have the strength,
to get us all thru this,
up to the end…
Dustin Andres
This is a tragically beautiful thing. Very good!
dimarie replied
Thanx Dustin!
just trying to make sense of crap in my head :)
Much appreciated!
carolinewood
you ok?
dimarie replied
yea! :)
I’m ok…
I have a few very close people around me at the moment who are severely depressed, and when you add that to my own tragic state of mind, it all just gets me down some days.
I do anything i can think of to try to help them…I’d die for the people I love…but I cant help them y’know, that depsair is so thick and deep with some people…nothin I try works…
Sometimes I question whether I should continue to try to help, or let instead, self preservation kick in, and withdraw…
With one in particular tho, withdrawing is not an option, I’ll be there for them until the end, but somedays its really hard, and it affects me…
cheetaah
oh so nicely written, deep from your heart, why are you sad? anything bothering you? can I help you? I cried. Hope you are ok, I love you. xooxoxxo to you. Love it every single word of it.
dimarie replied
Thankyou Hasmig!
I didnt mean to make you cry! :)
Oh i luv ya too! :) xoxox
I’m ok… Just would be nice if I had the power to heal people y’know…take away their pain…
No one ever really helped me, so I dont know what I’m supposed to do to for my loved ones when they are so depressed and feeling lost… All I can do is be there for them…but when I’m pushed away, or attacked (not intentionally, only because they are hurting) well, it all gets a bit much and i write sometimes, to try to put it in perspective, my feelings vs their pain…Am i good enough, is my heart decent… to ignore my own pain to help them…
Sometimes I dont know if I am…
Thankyou so much for your offer…You are so sweet! I love that i have ‘met’ you and it means alot really, that you have taken such a shine to me :)
take care! :) :) :)
carolinewood
you’re a sweetheart, you have been there for me and i’m sure you just ‘being there’ is what they need. shit though- you aussies don’t handle the winter well do you!
dimarie replied
I can only hope…
and no, not a winter fan anymore…my other writing mess, winter blues, i tried to make sense of why the cold gets to me so much now…. not sure if i did tho….
We get a bit ripped off here on the peninsula….winter is freezing, windy, wet, icy…and no snow! I think I’d like it better if there was snow….
of course thats a complete guess, as I’ve never actually seen snow myself :)
mychaelalchemy
I know depression..see my journal
dimarie replied
I’ll go check it out mychael!
:) You hang in there! :)
Jaybe
Bless you – it is sooo hard. I know….
You can only take each day one at a time and do what you can. We’re blessed each day we have them around and when days are good the sun shines a million times brighter.
dimarie replied
Thanx hon!
With one of them in particular…I would be lost without them, even with their depression eating everything up at the moment…
and when i do make him smile, or when anything makes him smile.. It really does make the sun shine brighter in that moment.
I know we’ll get thru it…
their have been signs of improvement
its just such a long road…
Thanx so much for your words…youre so in my heart these days! :)
Mark Ramstead
I have been in these shoes, and the wear and tear is great.
The shoes will not last for a lifetime at this rate.
I know how you feel.
Emotions like this you do not need to steal.
dimarie replied
ah your a poet…
but you know it…
still you show it…
:)
ah you made me smile!
i do hope these shoes dont last a lifetime
They deserve to see and feel the joy life has…
I cant walk away from those who need me…
And i cant be with the fairies all the time, pretending everything is fine…
oh i wish i could heal all the people in pain…
especially these ones so close to me
it weighs heavily on my heart
my inability to give them what they need…
Jaybe
Read this
and then this
Two sides of the same story….
dimarie replied
oh now i’m sittin here all bawling me eyes out….
i’ll comment on them later
biit overwhelnmed
right now
i get so scared sometimes that he’ll end it all
and leave me behind
and thru all of this theres no one who is able to be there for me
i cant take away that pain
Belinda "Billy...
Very well written. As you know I have bipolar and its exactly how you have written and it must be so hard for my family…..the only thing my husband can do is make me a cup of tea and let me stay in bed and stay out of the way. Your friend needs to see a doctor right NOW. Its a scary place he or she is in.
As for your writing skills and this peom, well its OUTSTANDING, you are one extremely talented young lady. I am glad to know you, you are going to give a lot to the arts in your lifetime. Billy
dimarie replied
Thanx Sweety!
I’ve had a few doctors try to tell me I’m bipolar
amongst other diagnoses…
I have never bought into any of the doctors views on me tho… lol.
Some years ago, a shrink told me that if I left my man, then my life would improve, and that he was to blame for the way i was….
WTF? No, my despair had nothin to do with bein raped twice when i was young…nothing to do with a complete breakdown of family or a mental breakdown at 8… nothing to do with being beaten within an inch of my life, or choked til i was blue by one who was meant to love me…nothin at all to do with people in power tellin me how shite i was for years…No, they somehow decided that My man, who treats me like a queen, was responsible for my despair….
That day i lost all respect and any trust in shrinks and doctors…
But quite alot of them try to tell me i’m bipolar…i laugh it off…
I dont think i am at all.. I’m just messed up, been thru alot, and now I’m trying to put all that aside so i can be of actual use to my loved ones…and try to help them reach the light i know is there…
maybe women are just better at dealing with the lows than men… ?
Yes, i so know what you mean with the stay out of my way thing…we do that here… jsut be there for one another, offer the help but never push it… doesnt always pan out that way :)
With my special one, he will get thru it….he has too much to live for and he knows it…
I do worry tho, about my other friend, who also feels at the end of his game….
In one day i had two peole i care for so much tell me they wanted it all to end
Two people in the one day
And i know of 3 people friends and family of friends…who have taken their own life in the last week… it is quite scary…
Thanx for being here for me Billy! It helps so much really, all of this support….
Jaybe
BUT…it won’t always be this dark hun. It takes time and patience. He probably can’t verbalise how he feels. Stand by him, love him and just be there – even if it’s in silence.
It’s a scary place for both of you – I understand that. He is still there for you just in a different way….
dimarie replied
I really hope so!
And i know so too!
And i plan for it, and live with that in mind…
but patience is so not one of my better virtues :)
I will stand by him, always!
and i’ll do all i can for my other friend too
how can i not?
I know he is here for me too, but I feel wrong for taking the focus from him…
yesterday was just a hard day especially
Irma
Hang in there Dimarie, we all live in a rainbow of chaos…You are the rainbow for these people you love, who are finding it tough…One day, the clouds will disappear, and the sun will shine on.
Until then, be strong. You are strong, I can tell. You are unique. You are loved and those that you are caring for, they appreciate it, but they don’t know how to communicate it just yet.
dimarie replied
Thankyou Irma for your encouraging words!
I have never been called a rainbow before! :)
I cant give up on hope…not now….
I gave up on hope for so long…spent too many years in darkness…
but i cant not hope now… anything is possible… surely…
maybe this lil rainbow one day will sparkle so bright that they are snatched from their darkness in a bright blinding light… :)
liciouspoet
hey chica…
i don’t know you…i’ve never really talken to you, but i know depression is hard. to be in, and to watch someone go through…..been there done that…
you ok?
just want you to know that no matter how much you want to be there for your friends, make sure you have someone as well, because you can’t hold everything on your own shoulders….
trust me…
it’s hard for one human being to do….that’s what we are…only human…not miracle workers…but i’m happy you are there for them…..
if you need to talk…you can talk to me…believe me…
shine on with your beautiy…inner and probly outer..
always,
licious
xoxo
dimarie replied
hey liciouspoet!
Thanx heaps for reading and taking the time to comment!
I really do appreciate it!
I’ve been meaning to reply alot sooner, but life gets in the way :) you know how it is…
I’m doin okay at the moment… My own depression has seemed to worsen and my mans has brightened…my friends has stayed on the same plateau… its all a rather nasty cycle…
I am able to confide in my man, who is my best friend, and he tries to help…but i suppose there is only so much we can do for one another… I’ve begun to realise recently that there are other people there for me that i didnt know about before…and that is nice…but instinctively, i tend to hold it all in…i dont like to burden others with my woes… in a way thats why i’ve been writing alot more lately… a way to get it out without burdening those who dont wish to hear it :)
I appreciate your offer to listen…it means alot! and it wont be forgotten! xoxox
Vim Lowenstein
well written
dimarie replied
Thanx Vimm
Much appreciated! :)
adgray
Marie I read your post and ended up writing a marathon of a journal entry . The aim of the entry was to collate my writings about how I deal with depression to assist you wit your self shouldered quest to help your friends [and yourself] – but of course I rambled on for a mile as I do! <)
Anyway please take a look at what I came up with and whatever is there you may use to assist those you love [and yourself] ok?
Just remember -
Sometimes NO help is MORE help than help!
“Nil Despiradum illigitimus carborundum!” and above all KEEP HAPPY!!! :O)
Chookas! XX♥XX
dimarie replied
thanx adgray for your comments…and wow…what a journal entry!
I will have to go back to it later, and talk to you more about it all :)
I’ll just say this…i do know what you mean about the no help help thing, and the ‘snap out of it’ phrases, well intended but completely detrimental… With my partner, he cannot be prompted, one has to wait patiently for him to come to you, but somehow still give him the message that you’re there for him..whenenever he needs it… if one tries to prompt him, the result is often undesired…
Me…i need to be told that they care lol…asked, prompted… communication is a lifeline for me and my mind is all too good at adding fragments together in silence and can get very paranoid that
no one gives a shit if no one makes that initiative with me and asks ‘are you okay…’
but yea…with my partner its very different…and again, completely different tactics needed to deal with the friend who is trapped in his depression…people are such complex creatures…
RosaCobos
No one can tell..
where to ..
when to stay.
Weighs you soul…ii weighs..
like lead…
and i should melt…
may be..
and run..
for too much tears..
crystalize the soul…
Sometimes we need..
to hang on a cloud..
and light our weight…
and see from the distance…
how thin…
our love is…
how lost…
specially for our own.
soul lost.
Rosa (take care of you…if conversing is good…we are here to listen….hae a hug)
dimarie replied
Hey Rosa!
lovely poem…
whenever i read your comments they always warm my heart :)
Bubble here would not be the same caring place without you in it!
You are very special to me! i hope you know that!
xoxox
Harri
This writing means so much to me. I’ve been suffereing depression on & off for over 20 years now. 7 years ago one of my best friends lost her husband to suicide. I lived it with her day and night for 2 years. Everyone else could see it was distroying me. I couldn’t leave her, how would I have coped if it had been me in her place? In the end I HAD to back off to save myself and those around me also. She is fine now, and understands, but it is really hard. Your words were perfect in every way. Hope your friends regain their light soon. X X
dimarie replied
Aw thanx so much Harri!
sorry it took me so long to reply…but you know i’ve been unwell and it all got so overwhelming i needed to take a break from it all for abit…
I’m so sorry about your friend…and you too…you have a big heart, generous and kind and loving…dont feel bad for backing off with your friend in the end to save yourself… 2 years is along time to live for someone else…
Belinda "Billy...
Dear Dimarie, you can call me, you have my card. I can come and get you, I can come and spend time with you. I can get to you pretty fast so you are not alone. I will have to have you over to the house soon. You are a lovely woman and I am glad we are friends. B
dimarie replied
Thanx so much BillyLee!
When i read this,.. when you first wrote it,... it made me cry…in a good way of course!
I really do need to stop trying to deal with everything on my own…
I’m gonna write this out…so i remember (me n my terrible memory lol)
that you are only a phonecall away :) that i dont have to do everything on my own…
of course, you are welcome to come by anytime you like! we always adore company! :) and we are generally better company when we are happy lol…so your welcome anytime :) whether i am sad or happy…or anywhere inbetween :)
Amorous Requiem
Like a yawn, depression can be contagious..
A beautiful cry over empathy can turn sympathy
and pain draws near the heart, which the mind cannot control.
I feel very compelled to this writing.
sort of like it found me, not I found it.
hope all is better now.. great writing by the way!
dimarie replied
wow…thanx so much…i really like your comment!
its funny how writings and pictures, even films, and of course people…are drawn to us…find us in the midst of it all…
to demand our attention for a moment…and sometimes change our lives…
thanx again for commenting! i really appreciate it!
Rheenie
I can totally relate Iam full depressionadic, and your peice I can understand how my BF may be feeling because of me…. Thankyou… you have truly made me see.
dimarie replied
Thanx Rheenie!
without knowing you…so complete assumptions, but i do believe If he is your BF, If he does feel overwhelmed at times…I bet that he loves you heaps regardless…and feels you are worth it all!
Give him a kiss and a hug, tell him you love him… it will make him smile :)
I hope you are having a good day today! xoxox
Rheenie
Yes I am thanks. Hey are pic that you have for your name? whats it from it reminds me of some kind of anime? yea and ur 100 percent right
dimarie
Your very welcome! :)
and i knew it! lol…
which pic? my avatar one? thats just this ...
Rheenie
YEA and by gosh it looks like anime well done lol
dimarie replied
aw thanx! i’m an anime chick lol! :)
glad you like it! :)
Rheenie
Yes I am an anime chick to!!! lol what ur fave
dimarie replied
i sent you a bm! :)
Rheenie
Hehe thank you I got it
RosaCobos
Thanks for telling it to me…. it is real meaning… and gives me support..
Rosa
dimarie replied
You are so very welcome!
I should tell you more often!
I will tell you more often! :)
xoxoxox
Amy-lee Foley
This is a really really really good emotional piece Di….
I hope your ok hun….
Im stuck in the dirty depression hole at the moment
and i tell ya, its dam hard to get out of!
I try and hide it from my mum and boyfriend though, so it doesnt affect them, well my boyfreind knows and iv talked to him about it, but i keep alot shit inside my head….and their really the only people im close to, i dont have close friends, cuz of bein depressed and havin low self esteem, i pushed pretty much all of them away an avioded them, i have two mates that i hardly see and text every now and then…...so lifes pretty shitty for me at the moment, dont have job, havent for over a year and half cuz of my messy head….ahh i could go on and on but i shut up now
Awesome piece gorgeous xXxOoO
dimarie replied
Thanx Sweety!
I’m doin as okay as i can realistically expect :)
It is hard to get out of…depression is a vicious bitch…somedays i have to avoid the mirror completely lol…otherwise it mite just be that bit to set me over the edge… its so easy to get down on myself if i dont put a huge effort into not… The other ones here…they’re doin alright..I actually think i’m more down lately than the man…who seems to just be stressed…but we just take each day as it comes (well i do anyway…)
Are you finding it more detrimental to how you are inside by putting on ‘a face’ when around your loved ones? I find it exhausting… but i guess sometimes necessary…depending on the person..
You should be able to talk to your mum about it tho…she would want to know, i’m sure she cares about you alot :) Has your fella been very receptive to your talking about it?
yea…the not having a job…know all about it…and it really does get ya down…
Well if you need some company antime..give me a call, you’re welcome anytime!
And feel free to go on n on…i dont mind one bit…i do it all the time lol :)
xoxoxox
dimarie replied
here’s a cute kitty for you!
Amy-lee Foley
Aww Thanks for the cute kitty haha and so get what your saying,
I just wrote a big bubble mail so i wont write much hear..
but about my mum…well she does know….and iv tried to talk to her about but! she drives me nuts and topic always changes to her, and then some how she ends up makin me feel bad about stuff in the past, so she makes its worse and thats why i hide it from her…or avoid talking to her about it…..she knows now anyway she found stuff i printed off about axiety…and shes driving me crazy about it….she doesnt know she makes it worse, but what can ya do…My mum is extra difficult…she’s deaf an i know its hard on her to, shes actually good though like you can understand what shes saying, and she’s really good at lip reading, so she can comunicate with most people, but what i hate is the fact that she’ll have her say…then turn around so she cant hear you, and what you have to say…she’s not a very nice person haha i know she’s my mum but anyone who knows her will say the same thing.
My boyfriend Az well he is just the best thing for me! When he knows somethins really wrong or im havin a real bad day he’ll annoying the shit out of me (haha) until i let it all out, just by asking an nagging and saying “you’ll feel better when ya tell me”, and being really persitant!..... but its good, an i usually do feel better after telling him whats worng, ops i said i wouldnt write much haha oh well to late now, i do need company so i guess ill have to build up the courage to meet you one day!
xXxOoO
C J Lewis
Jodi you are a beautiful soul…and know only too well that you would be the kind to try to help those nearest and dearest be pain free…unfortunately though, no one can do that for anyone else…it is entirely up to the person suffering to come to the realisation of why they allow themselves to suffer. Some will fall into depression purely because they get attention that they seek off others…depression, like all suffering and pain is basically caused by allowing the ego to take over. I told you about the book by Eckhart Tolle – The Power Of Now…believe me, I am not into plugging books for others unless I see good value of lessons in them and that one is a terrific tool for better understanding why we allow suffering in our life…so please for your sake and the sake of your loved ones…beg, borrow or temporarily steal (return when read to wherever) a copy of that book…it will shine a light on so much for you. Take care my friend. CJ xx
Larasolnishko
CJ Lewis…thank you for your comments, i look at his book on internet and find good site as well
eckhart
theimperfektman
you nailed it, mang. extreme empathy from me to you.
lostclown
I have to say that you spoken this beautifully i have been the one to help and also been the one so lost at times that it feels as if there is no hope for myself. So i have to say thank you