It all started one night while I was sitting and thinking on my balcony.
The balcony of my great, little apartment.
It had been building inside of me for a long time.
And I didn’t know how to stop it.
I felt as if my mind was slipping away,
And my identity was being lost.
I didn’t know who I was anymore.
And this was the most frightening moment of my Life.
Everything that I had worked for,
Everything that I had achieved,
What was it all for?
I was empty and vacant, emotionless and hopeless.
Something I know now, that I didn’t back then,
Was that this was my catalyst for Change.
My kickstart for my new journey.
But first, I had to do something.
I had to let go.
I had to let go of my past.
I had to let go of my pain.
And I had to let go of my hurt.
I had a lifetime of memories and experiences,
But I hadn’t processed any of them.
I had never allowed myself to Heal.
So for the first time in many years……….I……… cried.
I cried for my father,
and for every time he had changed my colours from bright to black.
For every time he had damaged a part of my childhood soul.
And I cried for that same child who had died so long ago.
I cried for my mother,
and for every time I had helped to pick up her broken body from the floor.
I cried for the fear,
that I could never be as strong as her.
I cried for every bad relationship that I had ever had in my life.
And I cried for every poor choice that I had ever made.
I cried for every time that I ever let a man hit me, or abuse me, or degrade me.
And I cried because I truly believed that this was all I was worth.
I cried for that “event” that had happened years before.
That “event” that I still wasn’t able to articulate into words.
That “event” that took away the last piece of my damaged Self.
That “event” that would forever haunt my mind.
I cried for my family who loved me so much,
but who had no idea about the person that I really was.
I cried for my husband, who had slipped so far away,
And I wasn’t sure if he would ever come back again.
I cried for the whole world,
and for everyone that I loved in it.
I cried for the hate and I cried for the suffering,
That was a part of our collective Existence.
I cried for my beautiful little boy.
So new into this world,
And already watching his broken mother
But most of all,
And for the first time ever in my Life,
I let go,
And I cried for Me.
I cried loudly.
I cried, gasping for air.
I cried screaming and rocking.
I cried with every part of my body, and with every part of my soul.
And then I screamed out.
(I think it was to the Universe.)
I screamed, “THIS IS ME!!”
“BROKEN AND DAMAGED AND IMPERFECT…….THIS IS ME!!”
And then I screamed again.
But this time I wasn’t sure if it was to the Universe or to my own Self,
“THIS IS ME……….Please, please Love Me Again!!”
And slowly, slowly………I began to Heal.
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I wrote this piece awhile ago, and I wasn’t sure if I would ever let it “outside.”
No-one has ever read it, or seen it, or heard it.
But something has told me that today is the day to let it go…….finally.
Sometimes I feel as if I wrote it in another lifetime, about someone else………
So now, I very nervously and very hesitantly post this for you all to read.
Or maybe I have posted it for myself……
I’m not entirely sure.