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This is Me

It all started one night while I was sitting and thinking on my balcony.
The balcony of my great, little apartment.
It had been building inside of me for a long time.
And I didn’t know how to stop it.

I felt as if my mind was slipping away,
And my identity was being lost.
I didn’t know who I was anymore.
And this was the most frightening moment of my Life.

Everything that I had worked for,
Everything that I had achieved,
What was it all for?
I was empty and vacant, emotionless and hopeless.

Something I know now, that I didn’t back then,
Was that this was my catalyst for Change.
My kickstart for my new journey.
But first, I had to do something.

I had to let go.
I had to let go of my past.
I had to let go of my pain.
And I had to let go of my hurt.

I had a lifetime of memories and experiences,
But I hadn’t processed any of them.
I had never allowed myself to Heal.
So for the first time in many years……….I……… cried.

I cried for my father,
and for every time he had changed my colours from bright to black.
For every time he had damaged a part of my childhood soul.
And I cried for that same child who had died so long ago.

I cried for my mother,
and for every time I had helped to pick up her broken body from the floor.
I cried for the fear,
that I could never be as strong as her.

I cried for every bad relationship that I had ever had in my life.
And I cried for every poor choice that I had ever made.
I cried for every time that I ever let a man hit me, or abuse me, or degrade me.
And I cried because I truly believed that this was all I was worth.

I cried for that “event” that had happened years before.
That “event” that I still wasn’t able to articulate into words.
That “event” that took away the last piece of my damaged Self.
That “event” that would forever haunt my mind.

I cried for my family who loved me so much,
but who had no idea about the person that I really was.
I cried for my husband, who had slipped so far away,
And I wasn’t sure if he would ever come back again.

I cried for the whole world,
and for everyone that I loved in it.
I cried for the hate and I cried for the suffering,
That was a part of our collective Existence.

I cried for my beautiful little boy.
So new into this world,
And already watching his broken mother
Falling apart.

But most of all,
And for the first time ever in my Life,
I let go,
And I cried for Me.

I cried loudly.
I cried, gasping for air.
I cried screaming and rocking.
I cried with every part of my body, and with every part of my soul.

And then I screamed out.
(I think it was to the Universe.)
I screamed, “THIS IS ME!!”
“BROKEN AND DAMAGED AND IMPERFECT…….THIS IS ME!!”

And then I screamed again.
But this time I wasn’t sure if it was to the Universe or to my own Self,
“THIS IS ME……….Please, please Love Me Again!!”
And slowly, slowly………I began to Heal.

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I wrote this piece awhile ago, and I wasn’t sure if I would ever let it “outside.”

No-one has ever read it, or seen it, or heard it.

But something has told me that today is the day to let it go…….finally.

Sometimes I feel as if I wrote it in another lifetime, about someone else………

So now, I very nervously and very hesitantly post this for you all to read.

Or maybe I have posted it for myself……
I’m not entirely sure.

Tags

present, experiences, life, discovery, soul, suffering, living, becoming, world, womanhood, woman, adulthood, diluisa, fear, heart, family, crying, hurt, tears, sadness, pain, spirit, change, hope, strength, abuse, body, depression, memories, childhood, journey, mind, feelings, healing, emotions, knowing, past

Thank you to those of you who favourite my work or leave a comment. Your appreciation of what I do means so much to me.
~Luisa

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Comments

  • Jayson Gaskell
    Jayson Gaskellover 4 years ago

    Thank you for having the guts to be so open

  • Jayson, I can’t believe you are thanking me!! I’m not sure if it’s guts that I have…….but Thank YOU so much for reading this………
    Luisa xxx

    – diLuisa Photography

  • raymondoantonio
    raymondoantonioover 4 years ago

    ABSOLUTELY BRILLIANT, CATHARTIC, PASSIONATE WRITING!! YOU ARE WELL ONTO THE HEALING ROAD AND EXORCISING YOUR DEMONS LUISA !! IT TAKES COURAGE TO SHARE THIS PAIN AND I HOPE YOU MOVE TOWARD MORE HAPPY AND LOVED FILLED TIMES!! XOXO

  • Honey…..thank you……..thank you……..
    And yes, it is all about happiness and love now…..and I am in a really wonderful place with myself. All because that night, I made a choice. And every morning when I wake up, I make that same choice again……..to put a smile on my face, love in my heart and take a giant step forward!! It’s always about choice………
    xxxxxxx

    – diLuisa Photography

  • frenchblue
    frenchblueover 4 years ago

    ohh my darling friend…..beautiful inside and out….with a heart that could warm the coldest nights….and a smile with the most adorable eyes that can brighten up any soul who comes across your beautiful path.
    you are truly AMAZING….and i am so proud that i have had the privilege of knowing you personally and i hope that we both can embark on a wonderful journey together in the near future. Fearing NO ONE who comes in our path….!!! much love to you BELLLLA!!!!

  • My love……..your words have just made my eyes fill up with tears………….I am speechless.
    Thank you.
    So much love and warmth and goodness to you,
    Me xxxx

    – diLuisa Photography

  • colindove
    colindoveover 4 years ago

    A gentle hullo dLuisa , you have just written about a man I know who has suffered in much the same way. I recall he used an entire box of tissues whilst writhing on the floor with unspeakable anguish and grief. That man is now still healing. You have expressed your real self so painfully, yet so exquisitely. I will never forget this written , powerful expression of yourself, as the man in my comment was, and is me
    xxxooo kisses and hugs and all that helps heal you dear one.
    Luv Ya heaps for being you
    Colin

  • Colin, Colin, Colin……….I don’t know what to say…….except for thank you.
    Thank you for reading this.
    Thank you for feeling this.
    Thank you for reacting to this.
    And most of all, thank you for sharing a part of you in return.
    Much love and healing to you……..
    Luisa xx

    – diLuisa Photography

  • deb1957
    deb1957over 4 years ago

    In southern Ohio we would say WOW!!! So, WOW Luisa!!

  • thank you so much Debbie!! that means a lot!!
    xxx

    – diLuisa Photography

  • Fuego1
    Fuego1over 4 years ago

    You did this so well!!! I could feel every emotion in every word. I actually have tears right now, and that says so much.

    I raise my glass and toast, let the healing begin.

  • what beautiful words……I thank you…….as difficult as this piece was to write, I am glad that you and so many others have been able to connect with it and feel something from it.
    I actually wrote this a long time ago……..so a lot of healing has happened from back then until now…….sometimes it feels like another lifetime ago……maybe it was.
    But for some reason, today was the day to share it and let the last of it go……..so thank you for being a part of that!
    Luisa xxx

    – diLuisa Photography

  • kevinmawson
    kevinmawsonover 4 years ago

    Well thank you for the tear jerker! I could feel your pain with every word,may your world become brighter and happier as each new day begins!

    km.

  • thank you my sweet! It’s already a very bright and happy place……..because every day I choose for it to be…….but of course, there is always room for more brightness and happiness!!
    Lots of love to you, xxxx

    – diLuisa Photography

  • Kelelina
    Kelelinaover 4 years ago

    Oh my girl! I cried reading this. I could so feel you on this! Girl you are so special! Hon you made it through and thats so awesome to know and to hear … your healing will help many to do the same … Thank you for sharing this!!! I am still so WOW’d on this …EXTREMELY POWERFUL! BRAVO BRAVO BRAVO!!!!! INSTANT FAV THAT IS SOOOOO FOR SURE!
    Hugs to you hon!!xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

  • your comment has blown me away!! thank you my love!! I am absolutely without words…….for a change……..:) :)
    I was soooooo nervous about posting this…….partly because it really puts my life, my history and my emotionality on display; partly because I do not want anyone to ever feel bad for me; but mostly because I have come so far, and I was scared that this would take me back there again………but it hasn’t………and I feel so much better now! If anything, having so many people react to it and connect with it has helped with the healing just that little bit more!!
    Well, there you go…….I DID manage to find some words!! hihihihihih!!
    Lots of love to you my sweet, xxxxxx

    – diLuisa Photography

  • autumnwind
    autumnwindover 4 years ago

    OMG I cannot get rid of the chills. Incredibly powerful write and experience. So sorry for your pain, and so happy it was the beginning of a good change. Healing and peace to you and yes absolutely BRAVO on this magnificent write. hugs, shar xoxoxo

  • Shar, thank you so much for your beautiful words and for your healing. I can honestly say that today I am no longer sorry for my pain……I might even be able to say out loud that I am thankful for it. It is that very pain that has shaped and developed me into the person that I am today. A person that I now love very much. It is in that dark pain that I found my strength and my will and my determination. It is that pain which taught me what I was made of.
    Once again, I thank you.
    Much love, Luisa xx

    – diLuisa Photography

  • Aurora Pintore
    Aurora Pintoreover 4 years ago

    un bellissimo scritto Luisa, è come un’esplosione. Continua a farci leggere altri poemi così belli. Ciao

  • Aurora, ti ringrazio con tutto il cuore……sei un amore!! Tanti abbracci, Luisa xx

    – diLuisa Photography

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