Are regrets in life for the weak? You can only wonder when you are in a situation that you have time to ponder and think. I have that time now as i lay here, waiting to be operated on, that thoughts have swirled in and out of my mind and i wonder if things could have been done differently, would i have still gone down the chosen path of my now miserable and lonely existence or would my life have gone on a totally different trail.
My wife, what a lovely, warm and caring person she was. Why have i only realised that now? She put up with so much and she stayed with me, until the children left home anyway. Then the only reason i think she went away was the fact of her dying on me. I was told by my own children that i had driven their mother to her death with all the insults and put downs and occasional back-hander’s, but she had to know who was boss in the household, right?
My children have not spoken to me now for 10 years and since retiring i hardly see anyone anymore. I suppose they all felt the same that i drove them away with my views and constant opinions of life. Well who cares?
I never used to but maybe i should have done.
I missed Mary so badly when she died. It was like my heart had been ripped out and i could not put it back again. No one knew, i put a shield round me, but i did and i am ashamed to say that i did treat her badly and i should never have done so and for that i regret making her life hell for all the time she was alive. She deserved better.
Could i have shown more love to my children? Of course i could. I could have been there for them, see them grow up, share in Mary’s delight at their first words, their first step, first day at school.
All that is way past due but there is no going back. They hate me anyway so why should i waste my regrets on them. Things come into your brain at certain times throughout your life that do make you wish that you could go back and change things, make things better, different, but not this. It is much too late.
Could i have made more of an effort with friends and work collegues. At the time you do not feel that it can benefit in any way to enhancing your life and prospects, so i pushed them all away. At the time i did not let it bother me but now, yes. It was when they all talked about get together evenings at the pub, family days out all the men’s wives that wanted to be friends with Mary and the kids, but i stopped all that and kept them to myself. But i can see now that it was hurtful and they did not deserve to be isolated.
My dear, beloved Mary drive to her death by me and all i can do is repent and hold onto regrets that are much too late to reverse and make better.
Soon my beloved wife i will be in the ground with you and if there is an afterlife we will live a better life, one you do deserve to live, if you will have me.
The operation has finished now and the mortician pushes me back into the cold until the day i can be alongside Mary, buried deep underground but in a higher place (hopefully) together. And i will make good on my promises.
No regrets are not for the weak, they are for people to realise their mistakes and make good on them, even if it may be too late.
He had lived his life without concern for others but regrets were for the weak……or so he believed