So you’ve decided to visit Australia? Excellent decision and all 21 million of us are looking forward to personally greeting you.
Believe it or not, kangaroos and emus are exempt from paying the bridge toll as they dash across the Sydney Harbour Bridge enroute to Bondi Beach for a bodysurf. They’ve negotiated a watertight deal with the Federal Government which gives them special dispensation. Something to do with land rights apparently.
Not all Aussie blokes are fat and drink copious amounts of Fosters Lager whilst laying on the sofa watching the footy on the weekend. Not all I said – just the majority. The rest go out fishing, while the missus stays home to mow the lawns and paint the house.
Our sheilas (good looking babes for the uninitiated) are the best looking breed in the world. Sure, some of them frolic nude in the surf on the Gold Coast, but it’s those country-based sheilas who have something extra to offer – cheap pumpkins and nice melons.
Because the land down under is so far away from the rest of the world, we need huge television antennas so we can watch our favourite American produced television programs. What dinky-di Aussie can’t do without three episodes of CSI each week? This antenna is extremely useful for detecting faint radio signals from Uranus, too.
What about this for a piece of typical Australian architecture! Our iconic pubs are carefully designed and built by an extraordinary team of highly-educated computer programmers and parking ticket inspectors. No half measures taken here let me tell you.
We have fine upstanding youth in Australia who get no greater joy than borrowing the family sedan and heading out for a country drive with their mates. Sometimes they run a little short on fuel for the return journey of 438 miles, and are usually escorted home courtesy of the boys in blue.
Of course there are times in a rigorous working week when our finest and fittest tradesmen need a well-deserved rest by midday on Monday. They usually head to the beach for a brief four hour surfing session to recuperate from the slavery of working a 20 hour week.
Parking in our major cities can be scarce when people decide to go to work, so local authorities have devised an ingenious method to combat the lack of parking space. Excellent daily rates are offered for hoisting luxury-type vehicles owned by our brainiest stockbrokers and lawyers.
When the weekend arrives, Australia’s horniest guys and gals head to the drive-in for the latest double-feature. The birth rate in Australia has risen dramatically due to this new innovation, which has swept the country by storm. Not sure if it’s pure coincidence that our Federal Government’s generosity in providing a baby bonus has contributed to the rise in births, but I’m sure a Royal Commission will uncover the facts in approximately 12 years.
Australians are world-renowned for their ingenuity. The Hills hoist clothesline and Victa lawn mower are two inventions that readily come to mind. Our country-living folk are not as silly as they seem, due to their willingness to make an income from anything. Rabbits are friendly in Australia and continue to produce on demand. In fact, they’ll reproduce anytime.
So there you have it mate – a taste of modern Australia from a dinky-di Aussie bloke born and bred in Melbourne – the sporting capital of the world.
Cheers.
Words and photographs are © Darren Stones 2007.
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- © Darren Stones 2007.
KSeriphyn Designs
,
7 months ago
LMAO! Brilliant! So well written and XD
midzing, 7 months ago
excellent! Very humerous, good job.
Rose Moxon, 7 months ago
how true is this!!!
Hans Kawitzki, 7 months ago
Just brilliant Darren should be handed to every visitor when they apply for a visa.
Mark Ingram, 7 months ago
LOL darren, well put together.
The “sheila” with the nice melons cracked me up
gaypony, 7 months ago
ha ha. parts of this have just cracked me up.
melons. he he. what about us country girls with the jugs?
throw on the thongs, jump in the ute and get ready to box with a roo.
luv, a sheila to a bloke
Melinda Kerr, 7 months ago
You ARE an idiot. You know that don’t you? :)
Lost Lost, 7 months ago
Very nicely done :)
Deon de Waal, 7 months ago
Brilliant.
Well done.
“sporting capital of the world”! – I guess your rugby union team won’t be visiting any time soon…...
:)
Joe Mortelliti, 7 months ago
Seriously, who do I apply to for one of those pole top parking spaces?
velveteagle, 7 months ago
Very Cleaver indeed.. Sending this line to my Dad…
Elaine van Dyk, 7 months ago
This is brilliant, Darren – what great humour! A fantastic tension breaker, and true Aussie fun. It was lovely to read this and have a good laugh. Thanks.
Elaine van Dyk, 7 months ago
Hey Deon, “sporting capital of the world” is true – we’re mostly good sports here, not necessary good at sport…........
Jessica Shipard, 7 months ago
you certainly dont do this photojournalism half-heartedly and its truely a pleasure to follow you along your travels, visually anyway. You must be having a ball I’m sure. Keep up the great work.
Karen Cougan, 7 months ago
Oh Daz this is your best work yet and I can’t wait to share it around to all my mates
WEll done
xkc
Lisadee, 7 months ago
Well done Daz!
Rany Lutz, 7 months ago
LOL! What can I say?
Vonney, 7 months ago
Good one, Darren. I needed a good laugh.
Only one question, are drive-in double features
really a “new innovation” in Australia?
Have been thinking about walking outside
and writing about daily life here in North Carolina
and posting it in the travel section. May collaborate
with a friend for the photos.
Lois Romer, 7 months ago
Dazz. you mentioned the kangaroo, what about the football, meat pie and holden cars. As for sporting Capital, we have the boxing day test match were the aussie cricketers put on a great show, we just had the AFL grand final and we are the home town to the Rugby league winners the Melbourne storm.
Murray Newham, 7 months ago
fricken brilliant..great idea..
I’d love to see more combined writing pictorials!
georgiegirl, 7 months ago
This is brilliant… very Australian!! I see the Ettamogah Pub’s had a spit and polish since I last saw it :D
Sara Lamond, 7 months ago
hehehe
Bobbie, 7 months ago
LOL this is excellent!
Jessica Tremp, 7 months ago
haha, tooo funny LMAO
pauline tims, 7 months ago
Brilliant !!
Kristy Lee, 7 months ago
LOL …i just love that you linked this in the Content Guidelines debate/debacle hehehe
Kristy Lee, 7 months ago
I forgot to say..
Bloody fair effort mate ..niiice one.
Paul Louis Vil..., 7 months ago
LOL! Great job Darren! :D
Evangeline Than, 7 months ago
Ha! This made me snort out my cup of tea through my nose :p Nicely done, Darren, nicely done.
Christina Martin, 7 months ago
LOL
Brett Foster, 7 months ago
Mate, I laughed and laughed! Very well done.
Mummified
,
7 months ago
snorty laughter…
:-)
Marina Alexander, 7 months ago
Thoroughly enjoyable Daren, thanks!
itsallgoodamanda, 7 months ago
Ha ha .i can laugh at all that but when was the last time you went to a drive in ,i live next to the only one left in nsw i think ,but oh how i remember the good old days when we dragged the gt hos at w farm they were originals ,and how much are they now $ BIG MULLA ? the things we did,beaches to die for etc etc we just grew up at the best time in the best country.
shanghaiwu, 7 months ago
brilliant…......lol
gemynd, 7 months ago
Should help people with the citizenship test
Deon de Waal, 7 months ago
touche Whirligig
Michael Alesich, 7 months ago
Darren, thankyou for making me smile again for the day, very funny, very australian, I’m glad we have the antenna’s too to watch CSI.
Anne van Alkemade
,
7 months ago
hahahahahahahahaha
Coralie Casey, 7 months ago
What a classic….very well constructed Dazza….Bonza!
hugo, 7 months ago
The tourists will be flooding in to sample the melons. Richard Stubbs recons we muster cattle on the backs of kangaroos; would have liked to have a picture of that!!!!! Love your dinky dye sense of humour!!!! great !!!!
suzanne german, 7 months ago
The photos and ‘australiana’ is great- humour’s always great except last night I briefly flicked through tv stations here in cambrdieg UK to catch glimpses of Kath and Kin and I swear it’s too subtle and not obviously sending up enough – it ends up seemingly representing subruban australian life – which we all know it’s trying to exxagerate and humour! ...they were my thoughts anyway…
BTW – I Wish you hadn’t used ‘SS’ as part of the name for Satire
...not my favourite acronym….for political/cultural resons…but there you go – sure you didn’t intend offence.
SG
SG
Di Edwards, 7 months ago
Absolutely brilliant Daz! Tourism Australia needs to be told about you :) You’re hiding under a bushel mate!
I have to point my US friends from my ACD forum to this just in case they think about coming over to visit me like I just visited them LOL
Arlene Zapata, 7 months ago
Highly amusing words + fantastic images Darren. My husband + I visited Australia in 1988 + had the experience of a lifetime! Thanx for sharing.
Shauna Noble, 7 months ago
Scarey – but true! Ha Ha he he
Duck head
,
7 months ago
I was too busy avoiding political bullshit flinging to catch this
Very good sir
very good
Christine Wilson, 7 months ago
love the way you put this together
Deri Dority, 7 months ago
LOL, brilliant piece here Darren!
Lisa Stearns-H..., 7 months ago
Great job, it flows with hilarity.
Gayla Drummond, 7 months ago
LMAO…great fun.
Parmas, 7 months ago
love your comment about the drinking. im part of that majority. cheers mate
Sharon Perrett, 7 months ago
Lol , I sure needed some cheering up just now, I’m now sitting here chuckling, thank you for that wonderful insight into the life of an Australian male :-)))
Kym Breeze, 7 months ago
I love it….well done and well said….pure Aussie humor….Sad and true.. lol.
cdwork, 7 months ago
Great stuff!
PhotogeniquE IPA, 7 months ago
fair dinkum mate. I cackled me feckles ‘til me wrinkles wept!
joolz, 6 months ago
Great Aussie humour Darren (with some good pics thrown in as well!)
Darren Stones, 6 months ago
Thanks for your generous comments folks.
Pal Gyomai, 4 months ago
This is very funny, Darren! Thanks for the tour, now I won’t have to go there….unless the world renowned Assie hospitality would drive you to send me a plane ticket to visit my daughter in college in Sydney. Don’t let it bother you that you don’t know me, if I visit this condition is only temporary.
Anyway…I’m looking forward to more of your funny tours!
Lucindawind, 4 months ago
excellent loved it ! Crikey Mate ! hehehe < trying to be an Aussie hehehehe
Debbie Black, 3 months ago
lmao! great tale!
Anne van Alkemade
,
3 months ago
oi oi oi
Great mate!
;o)
Lawford, 3 months ago
Struth cobber!
Simon Hodgson, 2 months ago
You wouldn’t believe what my missus actually did today?? She mowed the lawn and painted the house whilst I sat drinking my home brew keg beer watching the V8’s in Adelaide. Fair dinkum, no word of a lie.
Good Aussie sheila, can’t beat ‘em!
Simon Hodgson, 2 months ago
P.S. I’ve just started up a new group “surfing”, would you mind adding this to the group? I think the quick four hour session of surfing after a half hard day’s work on a Monday would surely suit!