The little girl knew what to do.
As soon as the yelling began she would jump, lightning quick, out of her bed, corral her groggy younger brothers, and run out to the old shed at the edge of the property that faced the canal. Experience had instilled in her the urgent necessity of this routine that far belied her years.
The next day, mama would never meet her eyes, sitting at the old broken down Formica kitchen table, chain smoking Lucky Strikes and sometimes applying a dishrag full of ice to her various bruises and injuries. On those days she would keep her brothers quiet, away from mama.
Even at six years old, she understood that no one could ever know about this. The regular horror of her home. She mustn’t be weak. That’s what her daddy called it: weakness of character. Everyone was weak except him. His wife and children especially.
The last time it ever happened; when the loud fleshy battering noises and muted screams had finally stopped, she had heard the back screen door slam. Daddy carried out an odd shaped bundle, trailing its wrappings along behind his heavy work-booted feet. He sidled down the canal bank , rolled the unwieldy shape into the filthy, fetid water.
It clung to the surface for endless minutes before sinking.
When the water’s surface once again became still, she left her brothers sleeping on the ground, and crept back to the house, numb and determined.
She would never be weak, she thought, as she approached daddy’s bedroom door with the heavy pistol steadily held in both hands.
George Yesthal
Good for her! Young guns and justice.
deliriousgirl replied
hey, I’m not finished yet!
Lisa Jewell
We can go either way, that of our conditioning or that of our own making…..however, a 6 year old has no chance of making her own at such a tender age. And inevitably acts out her understood conditioning.
I can’t help but consider grown adults stagnating internally at a particular age – based upon a traumatic or sublime experience….the method of handling such an event is constantly applied throughout life.
Thanks DG – this piece is wonderfully written and does stand alone. Yet for me has my mind ticking….
deliriousgirl replied
I can’t seem to get it to the 250 word point!!!! Driving me absolutely mad too! Thanks, hon, fantastic comment!!!!
jemimalovesbigted
its freaking me out. I feel sick but want to keep reading…..
deliriousgirl replied
Thanks, hon, for reading and commenting. All my stuff isn’t this disturbing, I don’t think. You’re very sweet!
Cailean
hehe, DG … great minds think alike … emailing you a partial now … may give you grist for the mill.
deliriousgirl replied
Thanks, sweetie, I’ve missed you!
eon .
You got my attention Honey. You usually do too.
deliriousgirl replied
Hey, have you checked out The Red Room yet???? Thanks dear!
eon .
Is that the red room in the Blu Room or is there another entrance off the Red Bubble. or can you send me the yellow link to. it…. but put it in purple so I know its from you.
Hi Hun..You got an easy link for lill old me? To see you in the Red Room.. If its a photo of you or atleast the rear of you in Black and White wearing a very sexy Black lace number….. yes I did see it. Cant wait to see your smile also.
deliriousgirl replied
Yes, sweetie, the photo will stay the same for a week, but I add new stories daily. That’s the thing the stories!
PJ Ryan
this is brilliant Jen .. heartbreaking and brilliant.
That’s what her daddy called it: weakness of character. Always in others, never in himself. Always, always in his wife and children.
such strong character descriptions here .. xx
deliriousgirl replied
Thanks, sugar!!! I’ve been trying to edit it down to 250 words for a couple of hours now, and I just can’t do it. Driving me insane.
blondiegirl
Damn! you know why
deliriousgirl replied
Ahhhhhhhhh, babydoll, I do, I do! Now go to The Red Room and read Elevator! Thanks, you gorgeous babe!
blondiegirl
ok sweetie going…..
Solar Zorra
Great story, too bad it is the fabric of real memories for many people.:(
deliriousgirl replied
Thanks, hon!!!
greeneyedlady
the violence, the growing up too soon, the anger and disgust at having childhood stolen away… this one reached out and grabbed me by the throat…thank you for this. The only way to heal is to feel and pieces like this can help me and many others to do that.
deliriousgirl replied
Thank you! I understand this comment and this fictionalized story more than you’ll ever know, as well as the concept of healing.
greeneyedlady
Yes, I believe you do….
raoultiger
I was nervous reading this at the beginning after the playground story, but this one seems more upbeat!
deliriousgirl replied
HAAAAAAAAA!!!! You are crackin me upppppp!!!!
PS if you’re looking for really hot and really uplifting, go to the Red Room!!!
raoultiger
Well, I wasn’t really looking for hot or uplifting, but I must say I’m curious now. Where is the red room?
deliriousgirl
HERE
R.G. Ryan
Good stuff, friend.
deliriousgirl replied
Mucho gracias, sweetiepie!
deliriousgirl replied
Have you ever heard Espanol spoken with a Southern accent that’s as thick as molasses?
R.G. Ryan
Well, my family is from the Ozarks, and I grew up coastal California with all Braceros for friends as a kid. So, in a word…yes.
deliriousgirl replied
It is hilarious sounding.
DBALehane
Whew! We both do end up with some dangerously twisted kids in out tales of domestic violence eh? Darkly tantalising and chilling in a good way. Please don’t forget to link it in this week’s Star Twisters thread ;)
deliriousgirl replied
This one was actually much better at the original 700 odd words. Thanks, dear!
WanderingAuthor
I hope you post the original version as well – there isn’t any rule that forbids posting alternate versions, is there?
Even after reading one of Lehane’s masterpieces, this still had a powerful impact. And Lehane is a hard act to follow, in my opinion, so don’t sell this story short. A tragic choice for the poor girl, one that will no doubt scar her for life, but I can’t say it’s one I blame her for. For all that she’ll have to live with the consequences, it is as if he put the gun in her hands and squeezed her finger onto the trigger. That tension, between who is truly guilty and who will suffer, is perhaps what gives the story such force and depth.
deliriousgirl replied
Thanks so much, dear! Here’s the thing about this story: the father really effectively participated in his own demise by teaching the girl to hate weakness.
Peter Evans
I’m not going into the whys and what for’s crap.
I’m just going to say a damn fine read DG.
Well written!!
deliriousgirl replied
Much appreciated, sweetguy!!!!
Zolton
Aren’t parents who forget their children have brains always in for trouble? Great imagery in such a short story. I could picture it.
deliriousgirl replied
Thanks dear!
Sabbath
Ahh the mind of a 6 year old is sometimes dangerous, and this story has brought it to the light. I love it, every last bit of it !
deliriousgirl replied
Thanks so much!
DBALehane
What intrigues me here is how we all assume that the girl has a real gun, it is loaded and she will actually pull the trigger. That’s the power of this story not what she might end up doing – but the fact that at such an early age she she’s a gun as some kind of way of ending suffering. Now that is even more chilling no matter what happens next.
DBALehane
I meant to say “at such an early age she SEES a gun…”
Doh…note to self not to reply at 7.30am on a Monday morning! ;)
deliriousgirl replied
Us language obsessives are such a weird bunch, ain’t we?
Trish Cooper
Absolutely amazing…...you had me from the first line to the last and I even found myself holding my breath for a second (thank god I remembered to breathe lol) This is a VERY strong story…so well written and developed!!!!! Great work hon!!!! xoxoxoxo
deliriousgirl replied
Thanks so much Trish, you always leave the best comments!
deliriousgirl replied
Thanks so much Trish, you always leave the best comments!
Damian
Nicely done Jen, and the ending is an image I can really picture. Must be the twisted nature of a kid that should be sweet and fun resorting to gun violence through her upbringing.
deliriousgirl replied
Thanks, sweetie, love your comments!!!
Outdoors2
No wonder the damn gators are so fucking Big !
deliriousgirl replied
How did ya know that it was in FL?
George Yesthal
I agree with Wanderingauthor. Brutality and cruely reap as much consequence as kindness and compassion. It’s the old reap what you sow thing. Most seem to dwell on the little girl’s emotional scars. I tend to take the other (albeit emotionally jostled) stand that leaches a certain catharsis into her actions. Daddy made his bed and taught by example .Whatever. The world is minus one more beast. Poetic justice
deliriousgirl replied
YES!!! That is exactly the point of the story!!!!
George Yesthal
LOL. I meant CRUELTY.Yeah, US language obsessives. LOL
Natella2020
What intrigues me is that, in the illusion of strength that her father has given her, she still feels the need to protect her siblings from the family horror. She even felt that it was important for her brothers to stay away from her mama the next day.
You’ve packed a punch in this tale. While I cringe at the thought that this plot represents reality, I did enjoy witnessing your competence in displaying it. Spectacular.
deliriousgirl replied
Ohhhh, sweetie, you give me the greatest comments! And they go straight to my heart!
William H
oh my goodness, I think we have a winner!!!! GREAT stuff, great twist, great image, great everything!
deliriousgirl replied
Thank you so very very much! Ya do know that I love it when ya love me!
Alison Pearce
Very powerful and well written piece! So much emotion and anguish in so few words. Excellent work!
deliriousgirl replied
Thanks so much, m’dear! Your comments always give me that warmfuzzy!
Craig Mowat
Nice work. An example of how violence can be handed down in a family that knows nothing else. You play well with the feel that this has gone on for so long it has become routine. And breaking that routine – the bundle in the canal – spins their world into even darker places.
deliriousgirl replied
Thank you dear one!!!
Micky McGuinness
There is little to add that hasn’t been already said. A great story about a horrible man who seems to be about to get what he deserves.
deliriousgirl replied
Why, thanks, dear! Appreciate the reading and the comment very much!
rrohn
This one’s going to give me nightmares. Powerful story, powerfully written.
deliriousgirl replied
Thank you very much!
Hilary Robertshaw
Very chilling tale, very well written
deliriousgirl replied
Thank you very much! Means a lot to me, dear.
Miri
many congrats!!! awesome news – it’s a great story with a fantastic but so sad twist
deliriousgirl replied
Thanks, dear! Your comments fly straight to my heart !!!!
roybarry
Fuckin’ Hell, this is dark and gritty.
Disturbing and brilliant.
deliriousgirl replied
YES!!! You know all those dark gory muckedup corners I have.
roybarry
my kinda girl!
JenniferB
Janie’s got a gun… ;-)
deliriousgirl replied
How did you know? One story on Led Zep, one on Aerosmith.
JenniferB
your tale sang to me… congrats on your win, great writing dg.
deliriousgirl replied
Like I always try to tell everybody: We’re all walking wounded on this goddamned planet hon. And the only cure for love is more love.
Natella2020
Congratulations on the win!!!!!!!! It was well-deserved!!!!!!!!!!!
deliriousgirl replied
Thank you so much!!! Your gracious and intelligent comments always send me into a swoon! Soooo, I’m gonna come up with a good one for next time! Be forewarned, it’s gotta be weird.
EnVee
My dad had a drinking problem when i was a child. he had 8 children, the 2 older ones already out on thier own, one son (older then me) passed away, and i was left as the eldest of the 5 remaining children. When the fighting started between dad and mom, i would take my 4 younger siblings (1 sister, 3 brothers), out through the upstairs window, we would jump down onto dads truck (wasnt that high with a lower roof) and off we went down the street, up 3 blocks to a woman i trusted to house us for the night. I couldnt bare to hear my siblings cry, i took them away from it each time. Its ugly to go through.
deliriousgirl replied
Heyyyy, I did have two younger brothers and I was always the peacemaker or the protector in my extremely dysfunctional family. I’ve mostly made peace with my past these days, but hell yes, it’s ugly. And it took me a long self-destructive convoluted road to find my way. My heart goes out to you and it’s with great triumph, because I know you’ve found your way too.
WanderingAuthor
Congratulations on your win! I’m always happy to lose to a story I know is better than my own, and this certainly was.
deliriousgirl replied
Thank you, your comments mean a lot to me, dear! And be forewarned, I’m thinking up a real mindboggler for next time, so get the Pelikan pens and the Noodler’s ink at the ready!
Talkingwatermelon
Wow! I was planning to write something profound and thought provoking, but by the time I got to the bottom of this list, I forgot what it was I wanted to say… excellent story. “The regular horror of her house.” poetic, true, succinct. Well done and congratulations.
deliriousgirl replied
Thanks dear!!! Just please save the profundity for the next competition, I get to choose the subject and I’m thinking of going very kinky like maybe:
THIS
deliriousgirl replied
Or maybe
THIS
Talkingwatermelon
Any profundity I might have is yours… I’m going to go take a cold shower now…
deliriousgirl replied
HAAAAAAAA!!!!
DBALehane
Congratulations on being Twisted Tales weekly champion in our Canal Star Twister challenge. Richly deserved!
smitisan
A really good read, just the sort of thing I’d like to make into a song if the “Janie’s got a gun” crowd wouldn’t come after me. One thing: try “the heavy gun held steadily in both hands, just the way her daddy taught her.”
deliriousgirl replied
Sure!!! Thanks, you dollbaby!!!
Alison Pearce
Much congratulations My dear!!
deliriousgirl replied
Thanks so much!!!! They were all really really good, weren’t they!
Alison Pearce
They were indeed! Great competition leads to even greater writing!
PJ Ryan
you’re such a sweetheart .. thanx for the link ..
I loved this story .. it resonated with me .. and, it didn’t need much swinging around.
xx
deliriousgirl replied
So, I picked a video and title by Muscular Teeth for the next one. And I was thinking of you when I picked it, I know you have a grrrrrreat story for it!
PJ Ryan
ooh i’ll have to go and check out what the word is .. intriguing ..
i love MT’s stuff too
Jen Wahl
What a strong little girl. I know many like her. Your story offers empowerment to others… thanks for posting it.
deliriousgirl replied
Thank you!
gutterhubris
Wow, it’s deliriously awful. You convey one fuck of a lot in those few words and it’s a little like being punched. Isn’t it odd how the sad girls always seem to find each other?
deliriousgirl replied
YES!!! No longer sad, though, mostly worked out some closure and some forms of peace in my life these days.
gutterhubris
Just in case it wasn’t clear, I meant “awful” as “powerful and cool.”
joolie1
Whoa! Great stuff.
I’ll have to puruse your writing when I’m not supposed to be working … you deserve to have my full attention!
deliriousgirl replied
Thank you, dear!!!
Debbie Irwin
Wow! This is powerful! Love it!
deliriousgirl replied
Thanks so much, dear!!! I am a huge fan of yours!!!
mohammed
Good stuff! !
deliriousgirl replied
Thank you very much!!! Love the comments!!!
mohammed
no prob keep it comeing
bonbon3272
Very powerful. Nice work.
deliriousgirl replied
Thank you for such a gracious and kind comment!
Giotto
You’re are one hell of a writer….. lady! xx
deliriousgirl replied
Oh thank you, dear!!! now c’mon, ya know ya wanna read the other stories
Sunsetwolf24
WOW! I got goosebumps before I even realized it, while reading….that hardly ever happens….wow…such truth here
deliriousgirl replied
Thank you so much dear!!!
jomei249
I love the power and intensity of this piece, guess all that machismo backfired on him, ‘scuse the pun.
deliriousgirl replied
YES!!! He was the creator of his own demise! Thanks, dear! Please do keep reading, there are some amazing writers here!!!
bchrisdesigns
such a great description! this story is full of them!!!! wonderful!
deliriousgirl replied
Thank you very much!!! The difficulty is always in the editing!!!
coppertrees
Great Story,ending was wickedly good
deliriousgirl replied
Thanks so much!!! Glad you liked it!!!
girlinthestars
fantastically written…enthralled me and ended perfectly~*
deliriousgirl replied
Thanks so much!!! What a great comment, made my day!
butchart
you have the gift… and you use it so very well…....... b
deliriousgirl replied
Awwwwww, blushblushblush thanks so much!
LadyLazurus
nicely written, I enjoyed reading this piece
deliriousgirl replied
Thank you dear!!! I am a huge fan of yours!!!
markgb
this is an amazing story, you are one fuck of a writer!
deliriousgirl replied
Thank you so much!!! I just love a passionate comment!!!!
Arnold Isbister
great character study leading to the end…..wanted to read more.
deliriousgirl replied
Well, I do love it when you love me! Thanks so much! And of course, you can, i have zillions of stories
DBALehane
Congratulations on winning the Twisted Tales Star Twister May Grand Final with this tale!
Beth Wilson
Congratulations Deliriousgirl – great stuff!
deliriousgirl replied
Thank you so very much!!!!
juice
great work for winning first prize…well done indeed
deliriousgirl replied
Thanks hon!!! You’re such a good friend!!! And I do so admire your work!!!
Timothy Goodwin
Well-paced, and marvelously cryptic. Excellent work!!
Miri
you go girl! congrats on the win , very pleased for you :-)
deliriousgirl replied
Thank you!!! All of the stories are very very good!!!
JenniferB
the only cure for love is more love.
brrr… wanna hear something as twisted as your tale? did you know that those words you spoke up there, are almost identical to the very same words spoken by a blogger I once interacted with named Joseph Duncan? He was a pedophile and at the time of speaking those very same words, he kidnapped and abused two children, one of them he murdered, burnt and scattered the remains of…
Pretty twisted hu?
Joseph Duncan
Read it… It’s a fascinating tale, you’ll find me amongst the thousands of commenters somewhere. ;-)
deliriousgirl replied
The only cure for love is more love is a quote by Henry David Thoreau.
I’ll read the blog, sounds really twisted.
CateTownsend
So many wonderful comments on a magnificent story. All I can say is you took me there, it was as though it was a movie playing before my eyes. Not only did I see it, I was touched deeply. My senses all came to life, you have a wonderful talent deliriousgirl, I’m so glad you chose to share it here.
deliriousgirl replied
Thank you so so so much!!! You’re very hot!
CateTownsend
Absolutely burning up lol how did you know?????
eon .
Chilling Gripping and Horrific. Yet so well written.
Cheers steve.
deliriousgirl replied
Thank you dear one!
Mark Ramstead
This is just the beginning?
deliriousgirl replied
Actually it was a 750 word story to begin with, this is the final edit. It was written for a competition in Twisted Tales and all the comps have word limits of which this one was 250 words. That’s the reason for its brevity here.
It did win twice though! Thanks so much for reading, dear! I just love your comments!!!
LostBoy
i look forward to the next 250 :)
deliriousgirl replied
Thank you kindly!!! Your comments go straight to my hear, hon!
bearpaw
i am not sure exactly what i can write as a comment that hasn’t been written already.. you are a queen of your craft Deliriousgirl… & the story… gripping, tormenting, sad….thought provoking…..
deliriousgirl replied
Thank you! I love it when you love me!
filfil
The ending scared me, literally. it’s giving me goosebumps…
deliriousgirl replied
Thank you, hon! Sweeeeeet comment!!!
Rebs O
amazing writing.. where is the rest? i’m all intrigued and want to read on!
deliriousgirl replied
HAAA!!! Thank you so much, dear!!!
lolowe
Crazy powerful. Now I have chills, thanks a lot delirious!
deliriousgirl replied
Thanks hon! I’ve been terribly preoccupied lately and hardly even able to log on to RB. Going through a massive burn out period, I think. But, hot damn! I love that new avatar photo!!!
PennyEdwardes
My goodness! What an incredible story….so brilliantly written! Stunning writing!
deliriousgirl replied
Thank you very much, m’dear!
Druidstorm
I know what the monster looks like, 2 and a half years he serves for being a demon, yet scares the life of the younge forever. You write well as if your eyes have seen!!!...)o(
deliriousgirl replied
HAAA!!! In fact, my eyes have seen much, hon!!! Thanks, great comment!!!
Jane Keats
Oh my! Sends shivers… love the read, great stuff!
deliriousgirl replied
HAAA! Welcome to my parlour said the spider to the fly!!! Thank you!
TinKat
wow!
ok, you got me.
i will now have to read everyting you write.
but, not all today :)
deliriousgirl replied
OH HOW SWEET!
Susan Trigg
Wow, so powerful – you wove this well!
deliriousgirl replied
Thank you so much! The old punch to the gut is always what I go for, hon! You’re very sweet!
skinnyman
Very dark, very strong, love this narrative.
deliriousgirl replied
Why, thank you, kind stranger! New in town???
Alan Dean
This, like all your writing is very good. Are these pieces the start of longer works, or just snapshots? I’d read like to read a short story form you. Any chance?
deliriousgirl replied
Thank you!
The flash fiction stories here were all written for competitions here on RB. I have some much longer work but it doesn’t seem to do well on here. People read much differently online than in print for one thing, and for another thing I think that attention spans are decreasing daily everywhere. We’re in an instant gratification kinda world these days. I’ll send you a few links to some stuff, if you’d like.
But, really, thank you for the compliment! You’ve made my night!
deliriousgirl replied
OH YEAH, this story happened to win the particular competition. I have some stories also in RB’s print anthologies. They’re for sale somewhere on this site I’ve been told.
deliriousgirl replied
BTW, I haven’t put any new work up on this site in well over a year. Different reasons for that.
Alan Dean
I should have guessed that there was a good reason for them being so short. My comment was to prompt you to write more, because somewhere above you said you found it hard to get to 250 words – that now makes much more sense! I should read all the previous comments first!
I agree about the drift in the direction literacy is taking – I write in long sentences, and they seem to be going out of fashion big time :) And how did Rowling do better than Pullman?
Have you/do you use Writers’ Dock?
Please do send me the links – reading other people’s work keeps me going with my own (26,000 words done, maybe be finished in the spring).