How to Eat Pancakes Correctly

Pancakes, when eaten correctly, are the most delicious of the major food groups. Unfortunately, many people are unaware of the proper way to eat pancakes. Eating food properly is not imperative in many situations. For example, there is not much hope for a McDonald’s burger, no matter how it is eaten. Perhaps it is the great potential held in pancakes that makes me feel so strongly about the subject. At any rate, I am writing this now in hopes that anyone who reads it will not suffer through life lacking such an experience.
The most common mistake made by inexperienced pancake consumers is eating pancakes without pure maple syrup. Instead, they use a substance that is made by big companies through a complex process of mixing together corn syrup, water, artificial flavor, ammonium bicarbonate, and whatever else the EPA says they can’t dump in the river. It is sold in small bottles with labels proclaiming things such as “Grandma’s Old Tyme Pancake Syrup.” It is sad that many restaurants encourage this incompetence by only providing this sickly sweet substance, but in even smaller containers that spill on you when you open them. It is possible that they do this because maple syrup is now one of the few things that costs substantially more than gasoline, and providing it would raise the average price of a breakfast buffet by approximately $6.47. Still, I find the practice completely unacceptable.
Now that a major point of confusion has been cleared up, what should you do when eating pancakes? Well, before you can fully master this art, you must come to an understanding of why pancakes exist.
The term pancake comes from a native American word meaning “sponge.” Native Americans have been making maple syrup for countless centuries. It couldn’t have been long before they realized the necessity of creating a way to eat it without actually changing it’s flavor. In fact, they even managed to disguise maple syrup as an acceptable meal. This they did through a single invention, perhaps the most important in history. It was called the pancake.
To take advantage of this incredible invention, simply fill your plate with as many pancakes as will fit on it without doubling up layers. If you want to spread margarine or butter on them, do so now to the desired amount. If you are unsure, just buy every brand of margarine and butter available and experiment to find out what is right for you. Once this has been accomplished, take your fork and poke as many holes in the pancakes as possible. This will allow the syrup to soak in faster.
The syrup should be warm before you apply it to the pancakes. Make sure to heat up about ten times as much as you think you will need. Pour liberal quantities of syrup on the pancakes. Wait approximately 17 ½ seconds, smearing the pancakes constantly. If the pancakes were made well, they will soon absorb the syrup. Repeat these directions until the pancakes can no longer absorb the syrup.
You are finally ready to eat the pancakes. Use your spoon to cut the pancakes into bite size pieces. Don’t make the common mistake of using a fork, as the syrup will drip through the prongs. You need not worry if the pancakes are hard to cut with a spoon – this simply means that they have not sat in the syrup long enough. Also, remember that the smaller you cut the pancakes, the larger the syrup-pancake ratio will be with each bite.
Make sure to scoop up as much syrup as possible with each bite. Repeat the entire process until you are full. Next, continue repeating the process until you can’t eat another bite. Now you must make an important decision. Most people, however, choose to eat at least one more helping before continuing to the next step.
The final step to eating pancakes correctly is cleaning up. Preferably you should have enough pancakes left over for your next five meals. Put these in the fridge for later use. It is unlikely that you will have any maple syrup left, but if you do, save it and use it as a reward for doing writing assignments. A spoonful after every sentence has been very inspirational to me. Since you will be eating pancakes for the rest of the day anyway, you might as well just leave your plate and silverware on the table. With those pancakes sitting in the fridge, you may be surprised how quickly five meals go.
It would be my wish that none go through life without the experience of eating pancakes correctly. May all who read this be spared such a fate.

How to Eat Pancakes Correctly

Jimmy Haslam

Hillsdale, United States

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Artist's Description

Something I wrote in middle school. Somewhat sadly, my middle school writing remain some of my favorite works.
As an aside, I have actually had people ask me if the part about Native American culture is true. I completely made that part up ;) ..

Artwork Comments

  • Quinn Blackburn
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  • Jimmy Haslam
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