To all my wonderful friends and artists.
I guess it was a silly thing for me to do….a dream to chase that would finally give myself some freedom….
I must try to remind myself, through the constant tears and aches and pains from the accident, that I am alive and have learned another lesson in life.
Learning lessons in life is a humbling and even sometimes a humiliating thing.
Owning the lesson and humility and humiliation I think is important.
Who do I have to own it to but the universe and this site is connected to the planet and then down to all of you.
(IF that made much sense).
I truly love you guys here on RedBulbble.
You stick with me even when I can’t find the connections in my brain to at least spend a few hours commenting on your unbelievable works.
I think the only people who can truly understand the quirkiness of the whys and cans and cannots of a person with a brain injury is another person with a brain injury….maybe….lol.
So, yes, although I still have no recollection whatsoever of what happened, what I do know is that I was pulling out of a parking spot at the grocery store and turning into the bend in front of the store.
The next thing I remember is choking and seizing on the ground.
A LOT of people were around me and holding my head. I heard a lot of voices…frantic…and I saw the face of my dear friend Judy hovering over mine crying and frantic as well….which made me cry and feel frantic, lol….
As I was told the story by my friend who happened to be driving her car right in front of me as we were together because I wanted to get more experience o the bike with someone with me; that I seemed to for no reason whatsoever suddenly accelerate straight into a parked vehicle.
It threw me from the bike and the bike, I beleive is totaled.
After being admitted to the hospital, I apparently kept seizing.
Or maybe they admitted me b/c I kept seizing at the scene and in the ER….I can’t remember.
Anyway, I later left against medical advice….I HAD TO…..b/c there was trouble on the home front. I live alone but….I had and have no lock on my door and there are some ….not so right…things going on out here.
I’ve been trying to find a way out… but with no help, it’s been almost impossible.
So I had to leave the hospital last night.
They, the doctors, were so upset about me trying to leave that they tried to hold me on a psychiatric (I’m guessing from my past event in February….) hold…..which I knew wouldn’t stick….but it gave them an additional 4-5 hours to try to convince me of why I needed to stay….all the while I was frantic to get to my motor home….and the boys (Mogley and Murphy) to make sure everything was safe.
I was getting information from a caregiver and a friend that things were NOT safe or proper and I knew I had to get back.
I must be cautious what I write as I don’t know who, in this area, reads my journals.
As my brain injury is physically located in the areas of frontal and limbic regions, both, of my brain, emotions are often very difficult to control. Those emotions are NEVER rage or anger, but are ALWAYS tears and feelings of total overwhelm-ness….(is that a word?)
I’m writing this but still not able to think very clearly.
The bike, I believe is a loss, although I’ve not seen it yet, as it is locked up out here, which was done after the accident….still not clear on that part….
I think it’s time to go home…..where my family is in Indiana….but the one thing I can’t deal with and can’t find a way to face is that they won’t allow my two life companions to come with me. I’m afraid I’ll land up back in that place I was in in February when I made such a serious attempt on my life if I have to lose them now after all these years.
I will have to give them up if I go home and after 15 years of loving companionship, I don’t know how I can…..so if there’s anyone reading that lives nearby me…in Western Wa area, or even around NW Indiana, or anywhere around it, that would be loving, LOVING, LOVING new owners to them….please contact me….I can’t write anymore…the very thought is tearing me to pieces.
I love you all.
Valerie
Mark Ramstead
This is a very touching thing to share. You need a companion to get you through this period. I hope someone rise’s to the occasion and helps you out.
DeeprBlue:
Mark, you’re very ind and always supportive. Thank you!
barnsis
If you didn’t have bad luck you would have no luck at all, hope you get much better very fast and have no serious injury.
DeeprBlue:
well, my friend, I’ve clearly got things t learn in this life and I must keep myself open to what they are and not allow my heart to harden …..it’s not easy but I know for a fact that if I do harden my heart and spirit and mind, I’ll only become belligerent and I’ll regress. One day I’ll get it right and understand it all.
xxx000 Valerie
DragonFlyer
O Valerie – as if you didn’t have enough on your plate (lol) already!!! From what you write – even though you obviously don’t have clear memory of the events – it sounds to me as though you handled an extremely traumatic and difficult situation wonderfully competently! (The dealing with them insisting you stay in Hosp, you knowing you CANT because of issues totally important to you, knowing how to manage it so they couldn’t ‘hold’ you there…
I wish I could help you by promising to look after your dear friends – but Australia is a little too far for them to travel, I think…
Go well for now – good luck my friend… it is your turn for some of that too
K xx
DeeprBlue:
K, I feel such a powerful connection to you and to Julie (and her hubby)…..I hardly have the words for it.
I’ve been so involved in trying to sell this motor home so I can get the money to go home….it’s been very very overwhelming. I’m having surgery on the 6th for a malignant tumor in my bile duct and I’m going there alone and returning home to no one.
They won’t allow caregivers to travel outside of the county and the operation I’m having is so specialized that I have to be transported to Seattle to have it done. Thats a good hour and ahalf away and I’ll be transported by para-transit and picked up by therm as well.
All of this plus dealing with an insane landlord who literally ran over my foot with his truck in a fit of rage yelling for everyone….EVERYONE to move off of his property….lol….well, not so much lol, but you get it I’m sure….
Having little to no support has been difficult….so difficult…but I am determined to not allow myself to fall as low as I did in February…..but it’s a slippery slope I tell ya…
I love you and you better know it! Julie too!
Love
Valerie
berndt2
Oh, I’m so sorry to hear about that – hopefully it all works itself out, I’m sure it will. Although it’s cheesy, I remember a rather random but heartfelt quote from the film Batman Begins “Why do we fall down?” – “So we can learn to pick ourselves up” . Accidents happen, but they are in a sense inevitable so the best we can do is make do : all the best, Bernd
DeeprBlue:
you’re absolutely right berndt. I just have to keep picking myself up again and again. I just don’t want to ever get to that place I got to in February…..and that’s what I’m working on the most. Doing my digital art on my photography helps A LOT.
Much Love
Valerie
Estelle O'Brien
Oh what a bummer….I hope you are recovering from this accident…I have read about your other recent troubled time and am too full of feeling for you to write…except to say I have been where you have been….and send my love.
DeeprBlue:
Oh…Estelle….I feel you. I really really do.
Just….stick with me would ya’?
{{{smiles}}}
It’s people like you guys that give me more strength…..you’re the only ones who look at my art, comment on my life…..support me.
Sometimes I wonder…..if anything I do (in the artistic department) is truly….any good…or even worthy whatsoever of being on here, this wonderful place called RED BUBBLE …..but it’s like a home to me….and I know that I draw from you guys….but I never, ever want to drain you either….
It would just be so nice to be able to hug you guys and get a hug from you guys….but your words are like hugs….
love you
Valerie