Missing you all so much.... by DeeprBlue

There isn’t a DAY….that goes by that I’m not thinking of the beautiful people on Red Bubble.

I’m discovering more and more…..how much work it’s taking my brain to rehabilitate.
It’s a weird matter of organizing my brain into a perspective that has been lost to me for many years.
I have a list that I keep next to me at all times and Red Bubble is ALWAYS….on it.

I expend…so much emotional energy….shifting gears…from meditation…trying to just EMPTY my tired mind and brain from any thoughts….so I can prioritize my daily tasks.

I thought I was much further ahead in some aspects…(such as socializing) than I really am.

There isn’t a day that I’m not taking a photograph either.
I checked my settings with my camera and discovered that I’ve taken over 17,000 pictures now.
I’ve run out of CDS to copy them on!! LOL….

Then I must polish them up and decide where to file them….and which ones I plan to enhance and work heavily on….

There is the rehabilitation of a weak body that lost so much muscle mass from being in bed for so many years…and every day I try to do yoga or walk a mile or so….it’s a very long process.

I’ve been working on REAL rehabilitation since May of 2007.
I’m almost at the year point and as I become more aware of what is still…missing….I feel somewhat overwhelmed….

I want to be a mother again to my son…and a grandmother…to my very first grandson…but…they are still a bit nervous about me…fearing, I would imagine, that this is just temporary…
I cannot blame them.
Self protection of one’s emotional world is quite subjective and unique to each soul in this universe we all partake of and create knowingly or not…
I cannot expect them to trust my health….my ability to be present on a permanent basis….yet I will show them I can do this.

There are people in my life….other family….that have no idea of what I’m doing and where I’m at in life…
I would guess that, for all they know, I’m still in bed…using a walker…and dysfunctional.
I cannot force any of them to look….it is a choice only made individually.

That leaves me with a small body of support….not just in in my journey with photography….but in my journey returning to the living.

I get an inspiration a day sent to my cell inbox….and these are meant solely for my images for Red Bubble…(mainly).

So every morning I get that little ring-a-ling tone that I have another thought to apply to one of thousands of images that I must sort through to decide if they’re even good enough to be posted here.

Jens…dear friend, I think of you daily….and Enalu…and more of you I have not forgotten…but…what many may not know is that re-learning once again to read anything “comprehensive” is still a skill I’m trying to regain.

Having been one of those children that had her nose in a book from the first time she could read….I got stuck with glasses on my little face at a very young age…and started writing as soon as I could write….and I wrote and I wrote and I wrote….my feelings of some despair and isolation as a child…turning the words, even then, into poetic verses…and there was my safe world…in the pages of books and in the inking of my pain and fear so that I might rid my young little mind of the burden of those feelings by giving them to the page; and the page, made from living energy, absorbed them and reflected them back to me and became my friend.

The page has always been my life long companion.
I was an observer then…..watching and seeing from all viewpoints….the world around me, and I sought to find love and beauty in anything I could…and this compelled me to live in my inner world of quiet yet somewhat compelling search of what was missing in my outer world.
To this day I remain what many may refer to as a loner type…yet I have SO MUCH LOVE FOR THE WORLD…and all I want is to discover and reflect the beauty and intensity of what I see and feel.

That is how I communicate to the world….even now….and I am getting to know and nurture that little girl once again….so you see…this is a very complex and lengthy process, as my brain has much difficulty in organizing and filing….So many…blank spots….that I try to regain the knowledge once held within them…

To lose that has been painful…but the Hope of regaining it is stronger than the pain of losing it.

I have moments, such as this one….where I can express to you, my truly loved friends, some sliver of a view into my world today.

I often….daily actually…worry…that I will lose you…those of who have supported me…encouraged me…FORGIVEN my long absences and seeming inability to visit your art and comment on what I see.

I cannot explain well…what it is like to stop and comprehend your beautiful, amazing and even disturbing works of art.
I’ve been there….I’ve looked…make no mistake.

I then get so caught up in the understanding and comprehending of your written thoughts, and art that i overwhelm myself with one or two images/writings….overly absorbed….my mind fascinated by your world/s and your offerings of such for the rest of us to look upon and into….appreciating your pints of view….

I don’t know how much sense that makes,…but although I may not comment…I’m there…and I’m fascinated and my brain is doing acrobatics until I must move my mouse to that forbidden “x” that makes it all go away and my desktop is once again before me with reminders piling up from another calendar program there as well.

I will progress. I will continue to move forwards towards you, and towards the “living”, in a manner that the rest of the world does, where one can allocate time/space in their brain and set boundaries and make a decisive move to stop, go, pause, comprehend.

I’m working on this….and working on the healing process and although I may feel alone, I will always feel such great love and admiration for you.
I hope you will wait for me and not forget me….b/c I am with you every single day.

You ALL have my genuine Love.
Valerie