Never Enough

“it’s never enough,” you say
And you’re right
It’s not.
No matter how much attention I get
It’s never enough.
Maybe it’s because I got too much as a
Little girl
I was “the angel,”
“so smart,” “so funny,” “so talented,” “so sweet,”

Or maybe I didn’t get enough
Having to “wait my turn”
For a turn that never came.
Wondering why a father never loved me enough
to stick around
-
as a teenager, boys didn’t want me
I was short, pale, and flat-chested
Defining myself by the little red letters on my assignments
Nerdy humor. Laugh and snort.
“I don’t get it,” he’d always drawl
But that shouldn’t have stopped me
After all, the bookish type always gets the guy…

Then college, wonderful college,
And the bookish gal really does get the guy
A lot of them
Even when I don’t want them
It’s so good to hear the adoration again
To drown out all the things my own mind tells me
(about the are they/aren’t they, and the why and why not)
It’s so good to hear the adoration again
At least until they’re gone.
But ugh! It’s too much! Can’t I just have some space?
I don’t want to be center of attention
With everyone’s eyes on me.
What could they be thinking of me?
The voices are back…
Boys, where are you?

“it’ll be different when I have a boyfriend,”
I tell myself.
But it wasn’t.
“when I have a fiance…”
But it’s not.
The voices always come back
Wondering why we aren’t all over each other
Like the day we met
And I miss him when he’s right next to me
Even when he says, “I love you.”

I don’t want to be center of attention,
but I sure would like to be
in the immediately viewable periphery.
Still, I have to wonder
Would it be enough?

Never Enough

DeeLishess

Eastpointe, United States

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