I was sitting with my sister in Nifty Fifty’s a month or so ago, when I happened to spy a pile of “Help Us To Serve You Better” cards on my table. Our server that day was wonderful, but she never did get the recognition she deserved, because I took the pile of cards home and started to write this blog!
As you may well know, I have been dating for a little over a year now. Some dates have gone very VERY well, and some…uhhh…DAMN! But in either case, I’m sure my former beaus must have some helpful suggestions for me.
So here it is….my “Help Donna Be A Better Date” card. If you’ve dated me, please feel free to print it out and mail it back to me (preferably with $20.00 – which is a very reasonable processing fee when you consider I probably spent WAY more than that just on underwear for my date with you – even IF you never got to see it)!!!
DONNA DART’S “HELP ME TO BE A BETTER DATE” SURVEY:
I hope that you enjoyed your date with me. Please complete this card and return it to me within 10 days, so I know WHY you never called again!
PLEASE CHECK ONE:
PLEASE RATE THE FOLLOWING FROM 1 (excellent) to 5 (made you throw up in your mouth a little):
AT DINNER – PLEASE CIRCLE YES OR NO FOR THE FOLLOWING:
YES/NO I made polite conversation during your meal, listened attentively, and generally made you feel at ease.
YES/NO I brought up SOME subjects during your meal that may be considered taboo, such as politics and/or religion.
YES/NO I brought up some subjects during your meal that are nearly always taboo, such as the size of my last partner’s genitals, his current gang affiliations, and the name of his parole officer.
YES/NO During dinner I asked you to take a quick peek under the table so you could help me figure out exactly WHAT has been making me so damned itchy “down there”.
AT THE CLUB – PLEASE CIRCLE YES OR NO FOR THE FOLLOWING:
YES/NO Shared a nice evening, with enjoyable conversation and liquor in moderation.
YES/NO Sobbed uncontrollably after 2 lemon drop martinis while shouting “Men are only after one thing…but never from me.”
YES/NO After my 3rd lemon drop martini I told the “rose girl” to shove those flowers up her skanky ass…THORNS FIRST!
YES/NO After my 5th lemon drop martini I smacked a strange woman on the dance floor because she was looking at me “that way”…and I really don’t have to take that kind of shit from ANYONE!
YES/NO After my 7th lemon drop martini I asked the bartender if he or she could locate ping pong balls so I could show everyone that little trick I learned when I was in the “entertainment industry” in the 80’s!
YES/NO Located ping pong balls AND showed everyone that trick!
YES/NO Halfway into our date I pointed my finger at you and said “YOU’RE ALL THE SAME”, then I accused you of taking my credit cards, threw up in my purse, and passed out.
BACK AT MY HOUSE – CIRCLE YES OR NO:
YES/NO Invited you in for coffee.
YES/NO Invited you in for a drink.
YES/NO Asked for cash up front because my pimp has been more than a LITTLE “cranky” lately.
ON A SCALE OF 1 (DAMNED GOOD CHANCE) TO 5 (SNOWBALL’S CHANCE IN HELL) PLEASE RATE THE FOLLOWING:
On behalf of me (Donna), I thank you for taking the time to complete this survey. I realize you have a choice when it comes to internet dating, and I appreciate your interest (unless you were an asshole – then I don’t appreciate ANYTHING)!!
Also, thank you for taking the time to let me know how I can be a better date, even IF this date made you swear off women altogether, run to your nearest 24 hour WalMart for a rainbow flag, and begin life anew (so far…that’s only happened nine times)!
It’s not like my self esteem depends on your response or anything…really!
A “help us to serve you better” approach to dating…