50 things in today’s Stock Market Report:

1. Helium was up, feathers were down.
2. Paper was stationary.
3. Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading.
4. Knives were up sharply even with price cuts.
5. Cows steered into a bull market.
6. Pencils lost a few points.
7. Hiking equipment was trailing.
8. Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.
9. Weights were up in heavy trading.
10. Light switches were off.
11. Mining equipment hit rock bottom, shares got shafted.
12. Diapers remain unchanged.
13. Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.
14. The market for raisins dried up.
15. Coca Cola fizzled.
16. Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.
17. Sun peaked at midday.
18. Balloon prices were inflated.
19. Scott Tissue touched a new bottom.
20. Batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market.
21. Skiing was lifted early, but then when downhill.
22. Rubber stretched their losses, but bounced back late.
23. Transportation had multiple crashes.
24. Hay-bailing machinery made a bundle.
25. Pizza maker’s profits delivered, but not DiGiorno.
26. Mountain Climbing peaked, rocky trading ahead.
27. Air line stocks hit some turbulent trading.
28. Weight Watchers had no gain.
29. Divorces had a stock split.
30. Boxing took a beating all round, only to be saved by the closing bell.
31. Gun shares shot up, but ammo sales bit the bullet.
32. Jay Leno’s stock took it on the chin, but Al Gore was in the green.
33. The NFL scored a profit, however, the report was under review.
34. Convenient stores were up 7 of the past 11 days.
35. Mule’s profit kicked ass.
36. 4 out of 5 analysts recommend Trident shares.
37. Investors thought drug stocks were too high.
38. Poker calls early bluff, but investors go all in after the morning’s flop.
39. Snow drifted lower because of next quarter’s chilling forecast.
40. In a developing story…Kodak was exposed.
41. Amish buggy makers predict slow road ahead.
42. Silver-dollar pancakes were eaten up by hungry investors.
43. Fish market tanked.
44. Oil was in the black, but shares slipped as projections get capped.
45. Defensive stocks finally surrender to gains after battling all day.
46. Golf sliced next quarter’s sales, even tho profits will stay on course for the year.
47. Mortuary shares were buried with selling, due to stiff competition.
48. Yeast shares rose.
49. Credit card IPO started out with no interest, but finished up with late day charge.
50. Viagra stayed up for most of the day, but investors were advised to call their broker if the stock stayed up for more than four hours.

feel free to add to this list below :)