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50 things in today's Stock Market report

50 things in today’s Stock Market Report:

1. Helium was up, feathers were down.
2. Paper was stationary.
3. Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading.
4. Knives were up sharply even with price cuts.
5. Cows steered into a bull market.
6. Pencils lost a few points.
7. Hiking equipment was trailing.
8. Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.
9. Weights were up in heavy trading.
10. Light switches were off.
11. Mining equipment hit rock bottom, shares got shafted.
12. Diapers remain unchanged.
13. Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.
14. The market for raisins dried up.
15. Coca Cola fizzled.
16. Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.
17. Sun peaked at midday.
18. Balloon prices were inflated.
19. Scott Tissue touched a new bottom.
20. Batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market.
21. Skiing was lifted early, but then when downhill.
22. Rubber stretched their losses, but bounced back late.
23. Transportation had multiple crashes.
24. Hay-bailing machinery made a bundle.
25. Pizza maker’s profits delivered, but not DiGiorno.
26. Mountain Climbing peaked, rocky trading ahead.
27. Air line stocks hit some turbulent trading.
28. Weight Watchers had no gain.
29. Divorces had a stock split.
30. Boxing took a beating all round, only to be saved by the closing bell.
31. Gun shares shot up, but ammo sales bit the bullet.
32. Jay Leno’s stock took it on the chin, but Al Gore was in the green.
33. The NFL scored a profit, however, the report was under review.
34. Convenient stores were up 7 of the past 11 days.
35. Mule’s profit kicked ass.
36. 4 out of 5 analysts recommend Trident shares.
37. Investors thought drug stocks were too high.
38. Poker calls early bluff, but investors go all in after the morning’s flop.
39. Snow drifted lower because of next quarter’s chilling forecast.
40. In a developing story…Kodak was exposed.
41. Amish buggy makers predict slow road ahead.
42. Silver-dollar pancakes were eaten up by hungry investors.
43. Fish market tanked.
44. Oil was in the black, but shares slipped as projections get capped.
45. Defensive stocks finally surrender to gains after battling all day.
46. Golf sliced next quarter’s sales, even tho profits will stay on course for the year.
47. Mortuary shares were buried with selling, due to stiff competition.
48. Yeast shares rose.
49. Credit card IPO started out with no interest, but finished up with late day charge.
50. Viagra stayed up for most of the day, but investors were advised to call their broker if the stock stayed up for more than four hours.

feel free to add to this list below :)

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50 things in today's Stock Market report by 

A humorous recap of the stock market


humor, stock market, 50 things, wall street

Being able to photograph what God has created is a blessing that I’m thankful for.

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  • Lisa G. Putman
    Lisa G. Putmanover 4 years ago

    Someone had a great deal of time on their hands to come up with 50, wow. Pretty cool, Doug!So were you up all night, or did you have help with this one?

  • lol, not up ALL night, thanks Lisa

    – dc witmer

  • DoreenPhillips
    DoreenPhillipsover 4 years ago

    Coffee Grains were frozen but Beans were Jumping……….LOL
    Thanks for submitting this to the Group……..I had a great laugh….x

  • thanks Doreen, good ones!

    – dc witmer

  • Peter Searle ( the Elder )
    Peter Searle (...over 4 years ago

    Very clever indeed. Absolutely love it!
    Featured in 50 tHiNgS

  • thank you very much for the feature! I’m glad you liked it. thank you Peter :)

    – dc witmer

  • Christopher  Ewing
    Christopher E...over 4 years ago

    you rocked on this!! awesome job doug, excellent imagination! lol

  • thank you Chris, well since the Cove is closed, I guess I too much time on my hands :)

    – dc witmer

  • megzyzgem
    megzyzgemabout 4 years ago

    oh wow – how clever!!! i love it

  • thank you very much :)

    – dc witmer

  • lar3ry
    lar3ryalmost 4 years ago

    I see that submarines are down, taking a dive in early trading.
    Springs and balls are bouncing back.

  • lol, good ones, thanks Larry

    – dc witmer

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