Wow.

What a year ’twas 2011. Amazing highs… painful lows.
And now in 2012? Only the good Lord knows.

I have been blessed over the past many months to have been
allowed to grow stronger as a person. Strength has come from
realizing how deep some of my capacities really are, especially
when it comes to love. The complex state of being known as
love can bring amazing experiences as well as painful
existences. Which is where I find myself today… on the back-
end of love. And since this is an impromptu post via QuickPress,
I am unsure of where to go from here as relates to what I’m
saying.

My most important thoughts right now are strength,
hope, faith, growth, compassion, emptiness (as in the hard to
grasp Buddhist concept of emptiness), perseverance and self-
preservation, and of course *love *. And what a love it was
(passionate too!) , and no doubt still is – minus the act of
passion. Even though I cannot be with the one that I love
anymore, I shall treasure the time that we were together and
honor the growth that I have been allowed as a result of being
with such an amazing individual.

As a Christian-Buddhist , I know that though all things are
transient, they always remain the same. 1 Cor 13 (NKJV)
declares a treatise of love, and I would never have imagined
that I would be able to experience so many of those qualities
that I most certainly have. The mere fact that one relationship
has shown me such excellence is miraculous in itself. Though
the relationship has come to an end, I have hope and faith that
when the time is right I might be able to give (and receive) the
same powerful (if not stronger) love that I have experienced
over much of 2011.

With my current desire for healthy mindsets, I feel not grief but
yet joy that my life was allowed to become enriched as a result
of having been in that relationship. Of course there is sadness
and longing, but the Samsaric process of attachment would
only further (and deepen) suffering. That I must remember. As
well as such, I must consider the seeming-phenomenon that I
was able to enrich the life of another… was able to brighten
another’s life, eyes, spirit, mind , heart and soul. Those truths I
should keep in my heart because of my inferior quality of
keeping a low self- esteem and always being quick to
downgrade my actions/abilities/ accomplishments. However, I
do not wish for my soul seeds to be in vain. I feel deep concern
for the one that I was with and the path that she will take after
we go our ways. I will never allow the ways that her soul
moved mine to be lost on me, no. My wish is for her to feel the
same and to grow stronger after our separation of being.
Though it was a very (verry ) complicated relationship, my wish
is for the continual seek of bright happiness (for both of us)…
even if it must be experienced as separated halves of one
whole.

Wow. What a healing that turned out to be. I never imagined
for this post to morph into was it essentially has.
Writing is so very healing – a healing that is priceless – a
healing that should be encouraged and exercised. But gosh do
I still love her… and that is one promise that could never
change.

Journal Comments

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