darrell1973day

- “O gawd, I need a cigarette!”

My mind staggers over its own vomit of memories of sweeter times
when I had fuckin’ smokes! Them was the days, my friends!
I smoke alot, though. Perhaps, too much. Maybe I’ll quit. Maybe
I won’t. Sometimes, I think I’m gonna have a heart attack.

And so I have a smoke.

Ah, sweet, sweet chest tightening, lung gagging smoke. Sometimes, I smoke
for the goddamn hell of it. I don’t necessarily NEED one. I’m not nic fitting or anything. Sometimes, I just wanna taste cigarette smoke. Smoke. Smoke. Smoke. Smoke.
Just one DRAG, man…

Sometimes, I smoke when the chips are down and things ain’t looking so good. Sometimes, a cigarette just seems to make all the bullshit just that much easier to deal with. I know the bowels of financial disparity. It’s gruesome and unforgiving.
Once, in San Fran, I was homeless, friendless and alone. I slept on a beach in a sleeping bag by a soft fire. The western horizon over the ocean was my movie. There were never any reruns. AND I had smokes. Marlboro Reds in a box. It was cool, then.

Not like now.

Sometimes, I smoke because it’s distinguishing. I wish I was the Marlboro Man. Or Joe Cool. He’s the Camel cigarettes mascot. I wear dark shades when I smoke. A leather jacket and black jeans. Do you think I’m cool?

Sometimes, I smoke when I play guitar. I wanna look like B.B. King or Slash or something. I’ll play blues riffs or heavy metal. Either way, it looks that much deadlier when I’ve got a lit smoke in my mouth. Keith Richards is my nutritionist.

Sometimes, I smoke after sex. Do you thnk it odd that a smoke after sex kinda feels the same as a smoke after a meal? It’s that “cherry on top” feeling. It makes me smile, slightly. I turn to look at Her. She is also still naked but she’s pulled up the blankets over her acutely feminine breasts. They aren’t very big but, I got my mouth over almost all of it. I’ve heard women can orgasm from nipple sucking alone. Interesting. One of my favorite hobbies. Anyway, if I love Her, I look at her for a very long time. She gets shy and smiles a girlish smile that snares me like a bear trap. If I don’t, I look down at her covered body and think to myself, “After I finish this smoke, I’m gonna bang her, again.”

Wait, this is no investigation.

Sometimes, I smoke when I’m pissed off. Nicotine fits suck. I fuckin’ hate them! Shit fuckin’ fuck motherfuck!! I can’t FUCKING stand them!!! Aaargh! I need nicotine!!!
They say it’s the little things in life that make it worth living. But, it’s ALSO the little things in life that can set someone off and make them bring a semi-automatic weapon to work one day and begin raining bullets on everyone’s parade. Only if that poor dumb piece of shit had a smoke. He coulda sat, had a nice refreshing smoke and thought about it for awhile. He miight’ve decided, instead, to go and pound the shit out of his girlfriend. Then, at least, no one would’ve died a horrible bloody death. Damn!

Sometimes, I smoke when I’m sad. Fuckin’ melodrama carries over more naturally with cigarette smoke blowing from my tightened lips. I bite them and fight back tears.
Only if I hadn’t have said that! Why did this have to happen? WHY! Nobody loves me! I’m so alone! What am I gonna do? My life sucks! I hate everything! You’re all wrong! I’m right! Fuck you. Why do you hate me? Why did we break up? Fuckin drama tears and breakdowns. My soul is old and tired but, I’m still here.

Sometimes, I smoke when I’m writing poetry. I’m not quite sure what it is. I think it’s the taste and the act of smoking that seems to help stir up those demons and get my pen moving. It’s like a security blanket or bouy. Sometimes, I smoke just to have something to do. It’s often better to be smoking than to just be set there like a bumpkin. Sometimes, I smoke in defiance of custom or morality. Little did I know that smoking would become customary and the morality is that smoking is a good thing. Corporately speaking, of course.

Sometimes, I smoke when I drink but, I only drink sometimes. I ALWAYS smoke when I’m high. And I’m ALWAYS high. So, I’m always smokin’.

‘Cept fer now.

Oh, wait!! I have a butt saved from last night stashed in my sock drawer. I hope it’s not to toe jammy smelling. Fuck it if it is. I’m still smokin’ the little motherfucker. Later, y’all.