The Bunyip of Boobera

Author: Damian
Word Count: 399
previous browse writing next

I’ve removed the story, as it is under contract now with Mystic Moon Press. I’ve left a few paragraphs from near the beginning so you can see the direction it takes initially ;)

What’s happened? The boy’s dog has vanished beneath the lagoon; the fun has stopped and a small search begun.

‘He went under over there, didn’t he?’ Brad asked over his shoulder. The other two shrugged and kept edging out along the large trunk, now standing chest-high in the water. Like most of the chocolate-brown waterways, the top layer of water absorbed the heat of the day, while the turbid depths remained icy cold.

‘I’ll swim across here,’ Brad said, pointing to where Buster the dog had vanished. ‘You two swim further in, and if you feel him, yell. Okay?’
Marty and Nick nodded and pushed out into the water; Brad watched them go, and then did the same seconds later.

Brad submerged briefly as he moved over deeper water, his ears assaulted with the chirping and chittering sounds from the lagoon’s insect inhabitants. He swam with an improvised breaststroke, stopping to submerge and wave his arms underneath him periodically, feeling for the lost Buster. His searching arm brushed into one slender length of cold, slimy muscle, then another. He screamed and recoiled while still underwater, losing all of his air and surging to the surface coughing.

‘Snake! Out of the water!’ he managed between gasps, swimming for the bank. He was no stranger to seeing snakes take to the water, and knew they could stay submerged for some time. He had never actually ran into one before, let alone two. He wasn’t sure that they could bite under water, but didn’t want to find out. Home was a long walk away, and hospital even further.

Brad did not see the swirl of surface water behind him, as if something large had descended powerfully from just beneath the surface.

continued on Mystic Moon Press in October 2008

MMP Blurb
As a child, Brad watched his little brother disappear beneath the murky waters of Boobera Lagoon. Years later his past tangles with the present, as yet another child vanishes and Brad travels to his childhood hometown to investigate the lagoon that is shrouded in Aboriginal warnings.

The Bunyip of Boobera

A short story set near where I grew up, based on Aboriginal mythology ideas.

This story won the Writer’s Market Group eBook competition, and is destined to be eBooked through Mystic Moon Press! Coming in October 2008.

Thanks to my real-world friends for comments for improving this story, to Kate Smith/Empress for her many great suggestions, and to all who’ve read and made suggestions since I’ve added it to RB.

The Bunyip of Boobera belongs to the following groups:

Short stories - Spherical Scriptings and Writers' Market

Gayla Drummond, 5 months ago

Awesome! LOL…I love fried catfish. =)
Empress, 5 months ago

so you’re suggesting water skiing is a good thing?

spot on with the water desciptions; brings back memories.
Amanda Hammock, 5 months ago

Fantastic. :)
Firedrake, 5 months ago

Bunyip eh? I think it might be something like a Taniwha in Maori legend. Is this a real place?
Empress, 5 months ago

Uh oh, now I have Split Enz’s Dirty Creature playing on my internal soundtrack.
Damian in reply to Gayla Drummond’s comment, 5 months ago

Thanks Gayla! BTW, this story isn’t staying, Kate’s being nice and giving me some CC.
If you spotted anything that didn’t sit right with you, please let me know – I’m prepared to overhaul this story :)
Damian in reply to Empress’s comment, 5 months ago

Thanks Kate :)
I look forward to your feedback!
Damian in reply to Amanda Hammock’s comment, 5 months ago

Thanks for reading :)
Damian in reply to Firedrake’s comment, 5 months ago

Hi Kaitlin, so you haven’t heard of bunyips before? Although I also haven’t heard of the Taniwha :)
Yep, it’s a real place. And there is a real Aboriginal legend about Boobera, as the resting place of the Rainbow Serpent, so it’s quite a big deal. It was used as a waterskiing spot for many years, and only in recent years changed back to indigenous management and skiing banned. It actually was an act of the Federal parliment, so again, a big deal.
Damian in reply to Firedrake’s comment, 5 months ago

Oh also, it’s located on the doorstep of where I grew up in the bush, so I’ve been there and waterskiied there (although I didn’t realise at the time that I was being disrespectful to Aboriginal beliefs)
Damian in reply to Empress’s comment, 5 months ago

Kate – LOL, sorry, I can’t help you with your music selection ;)
Leoni Venter, 5 months ago

Wonderful story! I’ve got goosebumps! Great descriptions of everything, I could see the events playing out in my mind like a proper movie. I think Spielberg could do something with this ;)
Ryan Duclos, 5 months ago

Ya! I find it hard to find stories to read around here, let alone ones as well polished as this.

I really enjoyed the the difference in culture here pertaining to “water spirits/legends” in how this is the opposite to Japanese myths.

I was curious about Brad and Mark. If these kids lived there when their brother die, I’m kind of surprised that they didn’t already know the legend about the lagoon. I mean, when I was a kid you knew everything about the area and the secrets about it.

If Brad and his family were just visiting there, than I got the wrong assumption from ‘The rest of his family had long since left Goondiwindi, but he still had his contacts.’

Hm, take it as you want. Great story mate!
Damian in reply to Leoni Venter’s comment, 5 months ago

LOL, thanks Lee! I’d be pretty pleased with a Spielberg outcome :)
Damian in reply to Ryan Duclos’s comment, 5 months ago

Thanks Ryan!
The Aboriginal stories of bunyips show them in a monsterous light. Definately not the benevolent lake dragons of Asia!

I know what you mean about kids knowing the legends of their area, but I can vouch for this one, LOL! I’d been to Boobera, waterskiied, swimming, and I’d never heard anyone talk about the Aboriginal legends of the place until after I’d finished school and left the town! I couldn’t believe it!
Thanks for your feedback – I appreciate it, and I’ll keep it in mind while I’m re-editing the story. It makes me think of the advice to writers – just because it really happened doesn’t mean it will make a believable story!
Firedrake, 5 months ago

We had a book about a bunyip when I was little…I sort of pictured some kind of blobby thing, maybe a bit hairy. This one sounds much cooler!!
jianina, 5 months ago

This is in mo offense to you…these are just the thoughts i had reading along…i truely think that this is a great story…i only have minor advise…and is only advise…you do with it as you feel!

From the beginning till the end…..
He wondered whether a snake might be a possible explanation for Buster’s disappearance, but wanted to see what his Dad thought….”wanted” doesn’t leave much to the imagination…it should be more leading like “cringed at the thought of what his dad would think”

‘But what if you get stuck? Like Buster and Martin.’ The first tears started running down Nick’s face, ‘And I don’t think they’re stuck. There’s nothing there to get stuck on. I don’t think we should go in the water.’…this part kinda confused me as to who was saying what?...i understand Nick said, ‘But what if you get stuck?...and im guessing brad replied ‘And I don’t think they’re stuck. There’s nothing there to get stuck on.’...but if brad says ‘I don’t think we should go in the water.’ that doesn’t make sense to me because he already said ‘We have to get him out quick’…

I read on one of your comments someone said something about the line, The rest of his family had long since left Goondiwindi, but he still had his contacts….i really don’t think you have anything to worry about there!....it made a good flow of thought going along with you transition of the time gap form your #1 chapter to the #2 chapter…That one line actually was the base of making it feel like a small town!

Robbo knew the family of the missing boy, of course….this line makes it seem as thought Brad was taken out and Robbo was meeting with someone else…Robbo was close..or Robbo knew Brad and and his his family before Matt was even born…a little word play on this line would clearify the story a bit more.

The sun was just starting to pull above the horizon….great line!

The police packed up and returned to town…when this is said it makes it seem like they are already gone…to be followed with the next line draws back…it should sound more like ‘the police packed up heading for town. Before they left they…and so on.

you have very good description and a great way of creating suspense…from not saying what title job Brad has to what was in the water to what happened to the bait…very fluid!
Nice work…I hope all goes well with publishing!
Damian in reply to jianina’s comment, 5 months ago

Thanks Nina, I appreciate you taking the time to go through it with an eye on improvement!
Lots of good ideas! If it gets accepted somewhere I’ll let you know :)
Cheers,
Damian
jianina, 5 months ago

I hope what i said didn’t step on your toes!...i just thought that i would do what i could to help you get your story across in the best way!...but still it is you who know and has an image of how you want the story potrayed, so please…don’t take my observations as insults!...I liked it too much to ever insult it!...talk to you soon!...Nina
Damian in reply to jianina’s comment, 4 months ago

LOL, no, that’s all cool Nina :)
I’ve been caught up with stuff, but have come back to get all the comments while I’m editing :)
Anne van Alkemade, 3 months ago

Congratulations Damian on winning!!!! It’s such a worthy story. Well done.
Danny, 3 months ago

well done Damian
see what membership to *ARSE can influence
haha
good on you
Lawford, 3 months ago

Well done on the win Damian.
Bunyip storiers. My Grandpa used to spook me with them.
I wanted out of that boat long before Robbo and Brad did. Creepy.
Good story.
Damian in reply to Anne van Alkemade’s comment, 3 months ago

Thanks Anne! Glad you liked it :)
Damian in reply to Danny’s comment, 3 months ago

LOL, thanks Danny! I had no idea that the ARSE membership had influence beyond the parking privileges! Awesome…!
Damian in reply to Lawford’s comment, 3 months ago

Thanks Lawford :)
LOL, Grandpa’s are good that way!
Paul Compton, 3 months ago

That was glorious Damian! I loved every moment of this piece and hung on every word. We have a photo in the family album from the 70’s of a Bunyip rising up from a billabong. It is incredibly spooky and I took it to Show and Tell at school one day telling everyone how it was real and my dad saw it and took the photo. Years later my dad told me that it was an automated Bunyip that rose from a lake when you put 20 cents in a slot. In other words it was just a strange tourist attraction he found while driving in the middle of nowhere. He cannot remember where it was he saw it so to this day it remains a mystery to me.
Chanel2, 3 months ago

Congratulations Damian, well done :)
Vonney, 3 months ago

Congratulations Damian! Kept my attention
from beginning to end! Well written! Love learning
about such things as bunyip and other Aboriginal
folklore. Who cares whether it’s true or not! It was a good story.
Damian in reply to Paul Compton’s comment, 3 months ago

Thanks Paul! And goodness, that bunyip attraction sounds interesting, LOL! Can’t believe he left you thinking it was real for so long…! :)
Damian in reply to Chanel2’s comment, 3 months ago

Thanks Chanel :)
Damian in reply to Vonney’s comment, 3 months ago

Thanks a lot Vonney, glad you liked it! And plenty of elements of truth scattered through this one ;)
kseriphyn, 3 months ago

Big time congrats on the win. More than worthy.
Damian in reply to kseriphyn’s comment, 3 months ago

Thanks Ronnie! It’s pretty exciting :)
H J Higgins, 3 months ago

Congrats on your win and…Im just sad I can’t read the whole story right here!
Damian in reply to H J Higgins’s comment, 3 months ago

Thanks HJ! And you must’ve only missed it by a day :)
CrapWriter, 2 months ago

And this is a worthy win. Well done and can’t wait for the story to be released.
Damian in reply to CrapWriter’s comment, 2 months ago

Thanks CW, I was really pleased I entered it into the WMG comp ;)
lolowe, 2 months ago

I’m sad I didn’t get to see the rest of this, but from what I just read, it sounds like a really cool story.
Gregory Edwards, 2 months ago

I got into your story and busted out laughing twice second to the imagery conjured up. You are very good at setting up images with words.