Her voice called to me in the night, musical and haunting; calling from beyond the crash of the surf. I could still see her swirling through the turbulent waters, her long, flowing hair trailing behind her like flames from a fire. Now, away from her, I felt like a lost child pining desperately to be reunited with a comforting face. The intense ache of separation pulled at me; my world blurred into a surreal state where a euphoric light-headedness accompanied thoughts of her.
Image by Rose Moxon
I sat near the ocean by day and by night. I heard the muttered comments of former friends and originally good-intentioned family. They obviously didn’t understand; but why should they? They weren’t the ones being called to by a glorious siren in the deep. I didn’t resent them for their attitudes, but I felt a pity for them, that they couldn’t know what I knew.
A love beyond the waves terrified me as much as it thrilled me. I used to have a passion for the ocean, before I nearly drowned. I could see the churning surface far above, and felt relief that the turbulence had disappeared. My air bubbled away from me, abandoning me and struggling to the surface; I would have done the same if I could. I passed through violent panic to a place of calm, and the burning pain in my lungs faded.
I should have drowned, but I didn’t. I saw her in the water beneath me, moving gracefully, fine bubbles rising in the wake of her delicate gestures. This was my last memory of that night, until washing ashore. She saved me. I couldn’t have made it to shore on my own. Her face had seemed angelic, her skin radiant. She was so at home here.
Since that night she called to me. I sat near the waves with tears of frustration running down my rigid face. My love was calling me to her, but I was too afraid to go. My vision of her played over and over in my mind’s eye, yet I sat as if paralysed. ‘Come out to me my love. Swim down to meet me and we can be together forever.’ A beautiful reason for swimming the ocean appeared to me the same day that all capacity to do so was removed.
I hadn’t been back to work. I couldn’t bear to leave the ocean shore. My friends came to talk, telling me to see a doctor, but only to pacify their own concerns. There was nothing wrong with me that a doctor could fix. I closed them out. All of them. I didn’t want them around anymore. I had described my memories of the night on the water, bared my soul, and received muttered comments, sidelong glances and clicking of tongues in response. If disapproval was all they had to offer, I didn’t need it. I knew they couldn’t understand, so I stopped trying to make them. I wanted to concentrate on the words drifting to me with the ebb of the evening tide. Nothing else was important anymore.
The moon rose behind me, and the ocean shimmered silver. I looked again for a glorious vision to rise from the water, yet none came. I sat silently some nights. Other nights I raged to the water’s edge at the cruelty of my love to leave me alone and abandoned for so long. Yet I knew the fault wasn’t hers. She could not come to me, I had to go to her, and deep down I had known this all along. It was my fear that was keeping us apart. She spoke to me supportively, gave me encouragement and reassurance. I knew these words were meant for me alone, as I was the only person to hear them. All I needed was courage, and we could be united again. My saviour waited patiently for me to come to her.
In the morning I stood again by the shore, watching the horizon where the sea and sky merge. The sea breeze blew gently, caressing my face and ruffling my hair. A number of seagulls drifted overhead, calling to each other. My resolve was firm. I would go to my maiden of the sea today. With a final deep breath, I stepped into the wash of a receding wave. I walked out, feeling the sand flow beneath my feet; the tug of the surf aiding my progress.
My love swam in the depths now through some magic I didn’t understand. She had been sailing with me until the boat capsized, but I didn’t see where she was thrown into the water. Then I saw her beneath me as I sank, mouth open and eyes wide, spiralling slowly down. Her long red hair billowed around her, at turns obscuring then revealing her features. She lived under the water now, and had saved me from drowning. I’d heard her voice in my head, ever since that night; but we should be together now, and I know we will be reunited under the ocean where she waits for me.
Constructive criticism welcome.
© 2007 Damian Herde
Story - A Vision from the Ocean
A story I wrote initially as an experiement in emotion!
It inspired the lovely Rose Moxon to create an image, so was my first RedBubble collaboration!
This story was a finalist in the first Challenge Cafe comp!
kseriphyn
,
about 1 year ago
Romantic and dreamy. I loved the way the words moved me, backwards and forwards, like the ocean itself. Very well written.
Damian, about 1 year ago
Thanks for your comment Khylan!
Kitsmumma, about 1 year ago
Wow! you definately paint some beautiful pictures!
Damian, about 1 year ago
Thanks Kitsmumma, that’s nice of you to say so :)
rawbun, about 1 year ago
mermaid!!! i mean great work.. beautifully written in my opinion…
Damian, about 1 year ago
Thanks rawbun! I’ve got a checklist of mythology in my sights for stories, glad you liked this one!
I’ll fess up and say this was a personal writing challenge to try and write something using heaps of emotion. Try and get it out there. After reading your journals, I see an alternate writing challenge – maybe not straight away though LOL!
pinkelephant, about 1 year ago
Hi Damian, how are you? Fantastic.
I enjoyed this story, I think you used some great emotive language and really painted the scenes well. I have a couple of suggestions, but please keep in mind that I am just one (elephant) person and I might be totally wrong :)
In the third paragraph, i thought you might be able to get by without this sentence: “A day of pleasant sailing had ended tragically with a storm and my boat overturned.”
It somehow seems too neat…I just thought that you could hint at the boating accident through the imagery, so giving it more mystery. I love the image of the air bubbling up with the narrator desperate to follow – very dreamy, kind of in juxtaposition to the turbulence of events as they were. Intriguing.
The way the narrator refers to the siren as “my love” sounded a little cliched, only initially – until the revelation at the end. I didn’t know why he’d refer to her so possessively when she’s this mysterious, entrancing creature. Anyway, I saw the light :)
Sorry, I hate doing the grammar thing but I always feel embarrassed when no-one’s told me about an error and then I find it – much later on. Gar!
At the end of the 6th paragraph, you briefly shift to present tense. And in the last paragraph “I heard her voice” should perhaps be “I’d heard”.
That’s it from me.
If you’d like some more annoying critique or some free baklava, I am located at a Big W near you.
Cheers for the story (and your comments re. my own stories – very cool of you),
P.E. (Laura)
Damian, about 1 year ago
Hi pinkelephant/Laura,
Thanks for your suggestions, I’m totally okay with constructive criticism :)
I like the points you’ve raised (thanks for spotting the tense shifts!); I’ll go put them into practice and update this page. Thanks for the editing, I know it takes more time!
I’m still moving through all of your stories! I feel so slack, but I haven’t yet read all 30 of the competition short list!
Cheers, Damian
pinkelephant, about 1 year ago
It’s ok, I haven’t even read my perception textbook. You’re way ahead.
Suzanne German, about 1 year ago
Damien – simply….this made me cry…and I felt shivers down my nexk and a gut wrenching feeling at the depth of the pull – like a magnetic force that you described…how real and strong and honest….
Damian, about 1 year ago
Thank you Suzanne, what a compliment; I’m very happy to have made you sad, if you know what I mean :)
Suzanne German, about 1 year ago
I do know what you mean….tell me though ..am I right? this isn’t completely fictitious is it?
Damian, about 1 year ago
Yes and no Suzanne :)
The feelings behind it are 100% real, but the setting and actual fatality are fictional. I’ve personally had two very real near drowning moments as a kid, both of which I can still see and feel vividly, and both have left me amazed at the circumstances that have me still breathing today. It’s left me with childhood dreams of being able to breathe underwater. I think I’ve always had a facination with the underwater world though. I’ve got a lot of stories with some element of underwater fantasy.
The other aspect that comes through this one to me is the feeling of isolation that comes from feeling like the only person that thinks/feels a certain way, and experiencing the world that way.
Suzanne German, about 1 year ago
Hi Damian -
I knew I was right about the feelings…and the feelings you described resonated with me on a very deep level so much so that I felt a very deep empathy.
It’s interesting that you experience the story you wrote as something that comes through to you…not from you…almost like you are witnessing your own personal experience.
I can remember once, a few years ago now, having a similar experience. I was playing my guitar and singing to a small room of people, and all of a sudden I heard my voice as though it was somewhere else and it was coming to me not from me…(wasna’t using a mic:)
I knew I was singing but ‘got lost in the process’....it was a ‘transporting’ experience – like I was inside my body and outside simultaneously…and I thoroughly enjoyed it -as did the people around me I was told. At the time I was like in a trance almost (no artificial stimulants responsible :)
I suppose this is what can happen in a deep creative experience / process. Sometimes when I take pictures, or paint or even doodle it happens – I look forwad to those ‘letting go’ and ‘losing it’ moments when reality takes a different point of perspective and there’s an almost suspended ‘space’ in time that buffers everything.
Suzanne
Damian, about 1 year ago
Thanks Suzanne, I’m glad that it resonated with you. It still does for me as well; I tried to read it aloud once and really struggled to complete it. I thought that was odd.
A lot of the ideas I have for stories do seem to come through to me, sometimes like watching a mini-movie, complete with a particular style and sometimes soundtrack (!). Then my challenge is to try and describe what I’m seeing! The describing is a very concious process though.
I liked your description of being lost in the process, definately a brilliant feeling. Giving reality a back seat for a while and soaking up a different perspective is a good way of putting it :)
Suzanne German, about 1 year ago
yes damien…life in sci-fi or feelings in sci-fi mode…you know what they say that fact can be stranger than fiction….today for example….for me…best part of it is that i left my office behind for the weekend..a dreadful day…fiction of any description would be preferable!
Damian, about 1 year ago
Hehe, oh yeah, some days would be better replaced by a good pulpy story plot instead!
birdinsun, about 1 year ago
Lovely. You tell a mezmerizing story.
Damian, about 1 year ago
Thank you Lee Anne!
Rose Moxon, about 1 year ago
i would love to illustrate this story damian, its beautiful.
Damian, about 1 year ago
Please Rose, I’d love for you to illustrate it! Your gallery is wonderful :)
Damian, about 1 year ago
Laura – thanks for the editing suggestions ages ago, I’ve finally addressed them :)
Rose Moxon, 12 months ago
nearly finished the pic damian, wanted it to be perfect
Damian, 12 months ago
Thanks Rose! I can’t wait to see :)
Rose Moxon, 11 months ago
ok all done… its called ‘the lure’ and this is what your story inspired, many thanks… i hope you like it.
Damian, 11 months ago
It awesome Rose! Thanks so much for designing an image inspired by my story :)
WolfHeart692, 11 months ago
The story – the illustration – work very well together.
another well written story –
the thoughts , the images , the feelings that a story like this flashes through the mind is powerful and to some extent something I can relate to personally.
a job very well done sir
Damian, 11 months ago
Thanks Wolfheart, I’m glad you liked it, and found elements that you could relate to!
arty888, 8 months ago
very exotic and deep as the ocean. I love painting mermaids. they are so free
ARTY888
Damian, 8 months ago
Thanks arty888, I’m glad you thought so! I have a thing for mermaids too :)
Empress, 7 months ago
Oh. You mixed me up. I was thinking lovely but now I’m wondering… still thinking lovely though!
ECGardner, 7 months ago
This is a stunning story that really spoke to me on so many levels… The deep longing, especially, and the feeling of being alone, with no one really understanding the feeling of longing… Beautifully written.
Damian, 7 months ago
LOL, thanks Kate! I’m happy with both options :)
Damian, 7 months ago
Thanks EC, really pleased you got that out of the story!
Adriana Glackin, 7 months ago
Really lovely story =)
Damian, 7 months ago
Thanks dabble, glad you thought so!
pbischop, 7 months ago
well written – I relaly like the sory and how well it holds together.
Elaine van Dyk, 7 months ago
Such a moving story, Damian, written with great sensitivity so that one feels the unbearable pain of that love that he must sacrifice his own life for.
Damian, 7 months ago
Thank you pbischop :)
Thanks Whirli, really pleased you thought so!
lolowe, 3 months ago
This was such a sweet story, very romantic and in a way tinged with a little sadness. It’s amazing what love can do to a person, but it’s also amazing the revelations you come to realize once saved from death. I really like this story. Great job!
Damian in reply to lolowe’s comment, 3 months ago
Thanks for the comments lolowe, I’m glad you liked it!