I never thought I’d write about this subject – but here goes!
I have a new undergarment! Yes, and it’s a doosy. I have learned that when you reach 5_ (hum, hum) you start to find your mind wandering in strange directions that you never really needed to think about in your youthful past. It’s true what they say – at a certain age things start slipping, sliding down, and bulging out in places that aren’t too attractive.
Anyway, I heard about these new undergarments on “Good Morning, America” and if Dianne Sawyer endorses something that is way good enough for me. Therefore I trekked into the nearest Sear’s store (darn right, Sear’s) in search of “Instant Shape” products by Dr. Robert Rey.
This morning while dressing for the office and a school board meeting that would take place this evening (and yes, it was long and boring like they said it would be) I put my new undergarment to the test. First I slipped into the blouse that I had decided to wear then stood back and looked in the mirror. Ugh! Sure am glad swimsuit season is over – there were enough bulges there to look like a topographic map of the mountain regions in the Guadalupes.
Then I decided to slip into the new undergarment, put the blouse back on and look in the mirror again. Now, I didn’t remove the tags on the new undergarment because if it didn’t work I had plans to go retrieve the forty bucks I plunked down at the Sear’s counter and head right over to Abuelo’s (one of my favorite restaurants). I put one leg in, then the other and then began the process of pulling the undergarment up into the appropriate position. I said “process” for good reason. I tugged up about 1/2 inch, wiggled my behind to see if there was any room to go futher, squeezed my knees together, sucked in my gut and tugged again. Ok – now we’re talking – I managed to bring it up about another inch. Wiggle the butt, squeeze the knees, suck in the gut – tug again – repeat.
Wow, I had managed to get the thing half-way into position. Now I grabbed the crotch of the undergarment and slightly tugged so as not to rip anything – that’s when I learned that this thing was made of something that we really should be building bomb shelters out of – no amount of pressure could rip this little number. When the tugging at the crotch didn’t work I tugged in an upwards motion on each leg – that seemed to help and now I should be able to simply pull the top part up over my protruding middle section. Wal-la – it’s on! I rejoiced!
When I put on the blouse and looked in the mirror I could really see a difference – the bulges were much less noticeable and just like the tag had said, I had a better “shape definition to my bottom!” This thing works miracles!
I headed out to the post office, a quick stop at the office, and then on to the beauty shop for a trim. It was at the end of the beauty appointment that I began to feel the urge to visit the ladies room. I almost broke out in a cold sweat thinking about having to come out of this new undergarment to accomplish the task at hand – and then having to get the undergarment back up into position could be a real feat considering the small amount of space in the ladies room and the fact that other people would be waiting for me to come out. So, what the heck, I simply stated, “OK, I need to visit the ladies room but I have a new undergarment on and this could prove to be difficult. If I’m not out in five minutes somebody please come in and help me!” Well, that raised the curiosity of every woman in the room – “Did you get one of those things they talked about on Oprah?” came the question. "I don’t know – I don’t watch Opray (yes, I’m a sinner) but they did talk about it on “Good Morning, America” and hey, this thing works." I stated. Then came more questions – “Is it comfortable” “yes,” I replied. “Does it make you itch?” “No, it has Aloe Vera in it somehow!” “Is it hard to get on?” “Well, I’m sure I’ll learn a better way to do it eventually!”
Then everyone wanted to see it! However, that’s where I drew the line! No, I wasn’t going to show my undergarment to anyone – they would have to go to Sear’s (darn right, Sear’s) and look at them on the rack.
When I came out of the ladies room everyone wanted to know if it was difficult. “Well, sort of. You see, when I pulled it down it reminded me of opening a can of biscuits! Everything just sort of spilled over. The problem then was, well – have you ever tried to close a can of biscuits?!”