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Letter to My Dogs

Dear Poodles,
Shiloh and Samson, this is to inform you about some things I am concerned about and also some new house rules for you to follow.
When Dad or I say to move it does not mean for you merely to reposition yourself with each other so as to make more room for yourselfs – it means to go someplace else.
Your food is contained in the self-feeding and self-watering bowls in the kitchen on the floor. Our food is contained on plates and may not be claimed by you. Putting your nose anywhere near the cooked food on the kitchen counter, stove or on the dining room table is not pleasing to us. You do not score brownie points by trying to look like you are starved and in dire need of people food. We know the truth.
Samson – we now regret teaching you to “speak” for a treat. If you must “speak” to let us know you want a bite please try to do so only once per minute.
Our king sized bed is the largest one that we can buy. We are sorry about this but you really need to learn to sleep at the end of the bed. The pillows at the head of the bed are not for you, Sam, to curl up on. They are for our heads. You both have beautiful, brocade beds that you must utilize. Sleeping cross-ways on our bed, stretched out to your fullest, with your tongue hanging out, is not utilizing the space properly and we don’t buy the fact that you are extremely exhausted from all your play time.
The hall way and the passage that leads thru the kitchen and down the step into the living room is not Texas Speedway. It is not necessary to try to match NASCAR speed when getting from one room to the other.
When I enter the bathroom I promise I will eventually come out. You do not need to sit by the door, scratch on it, whine, and try to poke your nose thru any small opening. I know you’re there and I will exit. I’ve been utilizing this area for years and canine attendance is not mandatory.
You boys do not need to fight like brothers. Shiloh – you are a white standard male. Samson – you are a black miniature. You are not litter mates. There is no need to fight like sibblings over any of your toys. Samson – we have had you the longest and we know that you never paid attention to doggy toys until Shiloh came to live with us. It is not polite to snarl at each other and show your teeth just because one of you has the houseshoe that we have relinquished to you as a play thing. If we really need to have two I’m sure we can find the mate to that one someplace. Sharing is a very good trait to possess.
And last but certainly not least – kissing people directly in the mouth is absolutely unacceptable. If you want to show us affection please do so by merely placing you snout in our hands and we will gladly give you a big hug and a pat on the head. Remember, we know where your tongues have been and we have seen you sniffing each other’s butt so we cannot stress enough that we do not want contact with your tongues.
Love, Mom

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