colindove

How did I arrive here?
where is this dreaded place?
I never new of its existance,.. from joining the human race..

where is the way out,
where is the long road back?
If I knew my friends I’de take it
I’de be on that wretched track

If only life could begin again
and from this ‘prison’ escape
to end it all…...all what ?” I say
to die would be a mistake

defeated, crushed , discarded down
I’m unsure of my worth
Why then end it all for so little
or,...will I have new birth !!

Oft this hell is masked in humour
yet , inwardly hides a frown
It shatters the good things all worthwhile
the spirit is sadly confusingly put down

In grief I see only a failure
YES ! a failure all my life
“It” tells me that I’ve never been a good father
or valued husband to a wife

I’m now a child ,..retarded
an old man ,..with a withered brain
struggling to correct this thinking
I’m discouraged and give in again

For this mind is a child,..an infant
as immature as immature can be
folk look on me as a man,...
lack of years they do not see

And my body is an illness
broken spirit and tired to the bone
as people try to helpme
“please just leave me here alone”

Oh no !!! It’s no mood,..it’s a prison
with easy escape for some
who take their lives and end it all
I hope I’ll not be one

Entrapped in this mood so ugly
there’s no vision of certain hope
when defeated, confused and a failure
I don’t know how to cope

for this mind continually attacks me
displays the ill I have done
devoid of all the good things
no joy,.. no pleasure,...no fun

It’s not easy to correct these lies
nor attempt to control this runaway mind

For the brain has no message to encourage the mind
and no questions nor answers of truth can it find
I know you don’t understand ,..for you don’t feel the pain
to be dead and yet living seems endless to remain

I perceive you’re seeing in sorrow
this poor person who was me
to stop this is so simple
then the depression would surely flee

“Oh how weak minded you easily say
pull yourself together”
“Meloncholy is brought on by a change in the weather !!!”

You also PAID FRIENDS….join in with ” I think so I am”
yet your fine words of wisdom won’t change me again …to a man
It causes such pain as some view me as mad
or going through a stage
it can’t be so bad….....

HOW MY MIND SREAMS “UNTRUE”
as it longs ,....for a friend
Yet Dr’s,...surely your wisdom can reduce the long end

This pain is so real as I struggle with no gain
and with nothing against me
my progress is in vain

And these nightmares continue all day and all night
leaving my thought scattered,..devoid of wisdom or insight

For this day is a reminder ,..or where I once lived
and the nights are a mini series of movies of doom !!!!
these nightmares bend my mind to both left6 and right
so I lose myself in daylight
and dread the coming night

Tears are wasted…
they drown the good things
and the useless they feed
returning remembrance of pain
and blur sight of good deed

Yes,...you’re right
I know it so well this desease call depression
it devourse bright thoughts and leaves one’s mind in recession

So,..I pretend ,..and I act,..it is best for you all
and you do me no favours aqs you help when I fall
My REAL NEED IS DIRECTION
AS THE SIGNS HAVE NO NAMES
and I help entertain Dr’s….....
as we play our stupid games

yet, THEIR MEDICATIONS SEEM TO UNDERSTAND…
they help this mind forget
they’re a friend, they’re a crutch
a small safety net

My freedom must be out there
though it hides,...like my fate
and whatever was valued,..has been essased from my slate

To be continued..Part one of 3.