Parents...
I see the parental role as being ignorant and arrogant.
The average parent these days cannot draw from pure truth and choose love over need.
The unconscious need of their own is what destroys the relationship between the parent and the child and with that then comes the manipulative thoughts that provide a soft, cushiony justification for the reason behind the parental, child dependency.
A parent should give a child nothing other than life and love. The parent does not “own” the child, she/he must be mindful of the order that care is given.. First to herself/his-self, then to the child, so the child starts to learn how it is that we gain love and respect for ourselves. (which in turn teaches us to love and respect others and the environment)
Sometimes the parent see’s that they are caring for the child when placing the child before themselves, however, how can this be when a child is an observer and what they observe is self neglect.
Sometimes a child will feel the parents energy and it’s sub-conscious yearning for love, as a child symbolises untouched love in it’s purest form, this is unconsciously teaching a child that they are in control as they are the source of love the parent seeks. I feel this is when a child is born into the world with a responsibility of satisfying the parental need.
As we grow older and life begins to move out of our control we seek refuge in externals for any validation available. Yet a simple observation and correction on the parental part, of teaching self awareness and self-love, may have helped us see true, the possibility of us seeking love from within ourselves instead of constantly trying to draw it out of externals.
This is a controversial topic as people become defensive and hurt by the opinions of others. I understand that most parents will do the best they can with what they have however sometimes what they have might not be what the child needs.
My parents parented how they were parented and so on. So no one is to blame for the lack of emotional understanding yet it is responsible for a person to make the choice to have a child when they are fully aware of the REAL needs of a child not their own.
Every soul is different and every child seeks truth, honesty and love, yet how can an infant grow when the minute they exit the womb they are burdened with the responsibility of fulfilling a sense of completeness or purpose for the mum or dad.
I love children and I too have felt the desperate need to mother a child. I have been pregnant twice and have terminated both, both under different circumstances. The minute i found out i was pregnant i believed in life again as i had it growing inside me. I saw the baby as a being that would love me unconditionally because it was completely dependent on me for survival. All these subconscious thoughts were hiding away in the back of my mind because my awareness hadn’t drawn upon them for truth yet. However I knew that in my heart, whether I chose to ignore it or not that this child would end up like me, stale, sad, confused and angry.
I know now that Truth and Honesty are so important in growth and compassion for one’s self.
Why when we know we can have and enjoy life, do we need to manipulate and abuse it by literally creating a life we never had…
Tony Ryan
Hi Claire,
Hope this sounds ok but I am so proud that you have posted this. Many may not fully understand or be able to get past their own need but I think it is a courageous and honest piece. Knowing you as I do I know that you are practicing what you are preaching and that one day you will be an amazing parent not just to your own children but to everyone you come into contact with. I feel this because I sense that your searching is all about equality and having unconditional love for yourself and others.
Best Wishes Tony.
TheArtistMario
Outstanding Claire…”truth, honesty and love” ... Unconditional. You also touched on a VERY powerful thing in here… Survival! I have 2 children, a boy 7, daughter 5. My job is simple… love them, be honest with them without instilling fear, and teach them the skills they need to survive (both modern and primitive survival skills). Sooo many folks fail to teach Survival. They think they do but really they teach Fear… these are VERY different things and can have VERY different outcomes in a childs development. My children are wise beyond their years and do not harbor fear. They understand so very much and have the skills needed to negotiate a favorable outcome. They do not panic in situations that most adults would… it’s very wonderful to “observe” (note: I’m not helping them unless they ask or truly need it)... afterwards, we talk about it. This may all sound a bit rigid but we are actually VERY silly and laugh most always.
I won’t bore you to tears with details but I very much enjoyed reading this… thanks for sharing
Mario
ClaireV replied
Mario thank you for taking the time to write this encouraging message. I can imagine as a parent yourself, you would have great insight into what I have written and I’m so glad you shared this with me. Your children sound beautiful and it also sounds as if you all have a lot of fun.. You can never have too much fun.. It is only now at 25 that I am learning how to have fun again after many years of taking life too seriously.. My good friend Tony Ryan (his comment is above) is helping guide me in this direction..
Again thank you for sharing your thoughts.
Claire
TheArtistMario
Well you are certainly in good hands. Life is in good part how you view it… Tony happens to be a master of that both artistically and spiritually
Regards Claire
Mario
benthebrown
Thanks for sharing your thoughts Claire, your words are honest and for me thought provoking into raising children as individuals. Many amazing people have been raised in all walks of life and this doesn’t come down to have and have nots but those that are loved and supported as individuals. Your words make the muddy waters of parenting a little clearer. I think we can pass on our own beliefs and values from a child’s early age, but in the end we are their to support and guide them as their own person and if we have done this well… we should enjoy being a part of someone you love giving something original and beautiful to the world that we could not ourselves. If all this is done with love and compassion our children can have the good bits of us in what they do. Forcing our children to follow a path we think they should follow cages the beauty and evolution of the mind and hurts the individual. If we embrace and nurture our children’s unique thoughts and ideas we would could enjoy each other with much more love and see the world change for the better.
Thank you for your honesty and thought provoking piece. I don’t know if my words touch on your thoughts well, but your thoughts made me take the time to think about my relationship with my children and I thank you for this Claire.
Ben
ClaireV replied
I love the comment “Forcing our children to follow a path we think they should follow cages the beauty and evolution of the mind and hurts the individual.” Its perfect because it is exactly what we do as individuals in every day life to everything and everyone, yet we don’t see it because it is quickly rationalised by the ego.. Trying to possess innocence or unconditional love (which love is unconditional anyway) is a survival tactic. It has become a need which some become so desperate for they create it, they have a child.. I also think this desperation is linked to mental illness, addictions and dependencies.
Sorry it took so long to reply to you I have had limited access to the internet recently.
I hope you are well.
Claire
benthebrown
Claire
Your reply wasn’t late, but nice to know you got something from my reply to your piece ‘Parents’. I am well and feeling better about all things lately. Hope you are doing well too.
Ben
Watertoy
All great thoughts above. I’ve always at what point does a child / adult become aware of their parents values and be able to let go of those values if they don’t quite fit. It’s nice to see the younger generation developing their own values (and not that we actually understand them), whether brought up with unconditional love or brought up in a life of just existence. The parents with Balanced Minds will raise the most beautiful children. We all learn so much later in life, along our journey.
Chris Curnow
Claire,
How does a 25 year old get to have such wisdom?
I think you will find one day that the pain you have experienced is a gift. I don’t say this lightly or glibly and I wouldn’t say it to everyone who has experienced pain. But because of the journey you have chosen to take, you have chosen not to be a victim of your pain but a master of it. It is only because you have experienced what you have that you can speak with such depth and authority – and in this way you become a gift to others.
Judy and I have four daughters who are all adults now. We made lots of mistakes as parents. And yes, lots of times we wanted our girls to fit into a particular mould we imagined for them. The most exciting thing though, as a parent, is when your children fly free and follow their own path. It’s really, really hard to let them go, but the rewards in doing so are immense.
Thanks again for a beautiful, open and courageous piece of writing.
matt1973
Thats a very honest peice of writing claire. Open and honest. The decision to end the pregnancy must have been a hard one to make. But obvisouly for you and the child the right one. This is not a very caring world at the moment and i dont think the best one to bring a child up in. it doesnt look as tho your parents made to many errors if this is the person you have become now. You may not be ready to be a parent yourself at the moment. Altho you see that and want to spare a child any pain that you have endured. True empathy is very rare these days.