300 Saturdays by Christopher Alan

John had packed his bags meticulously that afternoon while he was at work, making sure that not a fibre of his existence was left in the house anymore, knowing that one fibre would be enough for him to never let go of the things that drove them to this point. Because from this point on, things had to change.

Daniel arrived home at 5.15 that Saturday afternoon, unexpectedly finding John sitting on the sofa that for the past 300 Saturdays, they laid and watched movies together, fondling each other and making love. For 300 Saturdays, they had loved each other, and now on the 301st, all the things that he had known of them together… had changed.

“Hello…” as he walked through the door.

“In the front room.” cold, unchallenging, informative.

“what are you……” as he walked into the room. Startled by the sight in front of him..

Daniel couldn’t see the tears streaming down John’s face all he could focus on was the suitcases and the boxes… it was as if the boxes had a life of their own. The boxes were responsible for the pain he felt in his stomach and the boxes were the ones about to walk out of his life.

John looked at him open eyed, but sheltered.

“It’s been too long coming. I’m sorry. The keys are on the table”

“What?” why were the boxes talking to him with his lover’s voice??

“I said I’m sorry”

“What are you doing? Where are you going what’s wrong?”

“This is wrong.”

“I don’t understand, what are you doing? Is it your mother???..”

“No Daniel it is not my mother. It is US.. this doesn’t work for me anymore… I need to know what life is like without THIS..”

“Without what?”

“without you….”

There was nothing he could or WOULD say that could possibly change the next sequence of thoughts in Daniel’s head. Daniel realised in that moment that it was John talking to him not the boxes.

“I don’t understand why you’re leaving me. what did I do ? what has been so terrible”

“nothing….”

“then…”

“you can say to me now, will change what is or was or will happen between us, this is not who I am… this is not who we are… "

“but I love you…”

“and I love you… but I am more than this love..”

“what if this love is all I am ??? does that matter nothing to you ?”

“does that not matter?”

“for fuck sake John, do you always have to be Mr perfect?”

“yes. because life without perfection is nothing to me”

“then fuck you! fuck you and your perfection and fuck you and your boxes.”

“don’t..”

“what?”

“do this to yourself. you’re making this..”

“what?”

“..harder on yourself that you need to.”

“harder than I need to ?? I’m not doing ANY of this to myself.. YOU ARE DOING THIS! not me”

“it doesn’t need to ..”

“I don’t give a fuck what does or doesn’t need to be.. John for crying out loud… 300 Saturdays!!!.. this is what it is! "

“is it really 300?” .. shfited.

“yes… its really 300.. " … pleased..

“I didn’t know you still counted…. "…

“of course I still count… its US…. Saturdays are all I look forward to… and seeing your face when I come through the door..”

J stifles a cry.. tears start again….

“what is going on ?” Daniel is confused.

“I’m leaving you..”

“why?”

“Because I’m lost in this apartment… "

“just the apartment?”

“I want to know what happens outside this apartment. and this is the only way I know how to find that out…”

“where are you going?”

“I’m going to stay with Benjamin.”

cough “of course you are”

“don’t do that”

“what?”

“don’t make that cough sound that you make.. its contrived and you do it to divert attention to your own insecurities…”

“oh so now you know me too well! .. are you sick of life with me and my cough is that what it is about John is that what this is ?? I cough too much ?”

“STOP! …… for one moment in time Daniel please understand that life does not only revolved around YOU but also around US .. and ME .. and my opinions and what I feel..”

“of course I ..”

“no Daniel you DONT”

“how can u ..”

“STOP! I DO NOT WANT TO DO THIS ANYMORE… I am tired Daniel… really tired… and I don’t think you understand how that feels… to be sooo confused all the time about what’s happening, to feel that the person you love the most in the world, doesn’t listen to you ! and to feel that the person who you would trust your life with, wouldn’t trust you with theirs!…..”

“I…”

“what?… "

“how can you think that I don’t love you”

“I didn’t say that Daniel.. I said I don’t think you trust me with your life…”

“but what you’re really saying is that you think I don’t love you..”

“no Daniel that’s not true… I KNOW you love me, I feel you love me.. but sometimes I feel like you don’t believe in me.”

“of course I believe in you I just told you that I love you!”

“the two things aren’t mutually conclusive Daniel..”

“to me they are..”

“but they aren’t! … I love you … but I don’t know how much I LIKE you anymore…”

“what does that mean ?”

“it means that I have been living in this house with you for a very long time, and sometimes I feel like I would do anything to be away from you”

“what do you mean?”

“I don’t know…. god… don’t you ever want to spend a night away from me ? … not have someone in the bed next to you ?? to wake up and be able to roll over into the cold spot?? or just … get up in the middle of the night and play music or watch a movie and not have to think about someone else in the house?”

“but it’s the warm bed and the fact that you are always here that make me love what we have even more”

“but those are the things that make me want to not be here sometimes..”

“why don’t we take a holiday then ?? get away from the apartment a bit”

“but that would still be us.. doing the same things.. just at a different location”

“so lets move house ??!!! ?? ! "

“same.. "

“what about…”

“stop…. come sit here…. lets talk about this… "…..

reluctantly Daniel moves to the couch where John, his suitcase and the boxes are…the boxes now through his tears seem less animate and immobile as they did before…

“what did I do john?”

“to be honest Daniel I don’t think you did anything..”

“then why.. "

“because right now…. this is what I need…”

“please don’t leave me…”

“its not …”

“no.. you said we could talk, I’m sorry for crying but the thought of losing you makes me hate myself. and crying is all I’m good at when I feel like this..”

“I know…”

“this hurts me so much …. I just want to hold you and tell you that I love you and know that when I come home at the end of the day.. you will be here… to say “HELLO!!” and everything is normal and the house smells like you.. and our pillows smell like us… and that in the middle of the night the bed is warm.."

“don’t u ever feel like its too much ?”

“you could never be too much”

“oh god I’m so sorry for all of this…”

“its ok… look… please don’t leave today .. we can sort this out…”

“bub I don’t think its that simple…”

“you called me bub….. you’ve not called me that ….. since Moscow….”

“Moscow….. god that seems like so long ago now doesn’t it ?”

..Daniel walks to the wall and pulls down a picture of them in a hotel room.. under blankets wearing snow coats…

“Moscow….. see….. "

“I remember… it was so cold and the hotel’s heater was not working and we had to wear our snow coats in bed….”

" but we still managed to screw…"

“awkwardly…” laughs

“and then get up for breakfast realising that we were still wearing our coats and everyone was looking at us…. and then we ……”"

“then we got the call that Simon had …… "

“yes…”

“I remember crying for the entire trip back to Paris..”

" and you wouldn’t eat.."

“stubborn as a mule you said..”

“its true…

“what happens now ??”

“what do u mean ?”

“it’s been 3 years since our boy died, you’re leaving me to be with Benjamin..”

“fuck you Daniel.. I’m not leaving you for Benjamin…. "

“then why..”

“I’m leaving because I’m lost.”

“why can’t I be your map..”

“not anymore.. I need to find this on my own…”

“but.. "

“what about Saturdays?”

“what do you mean ?”

“what do I do on Saturdays??”

“I don’t know….”

“what will you do ?”

“I don’t know…”

“then why..”

“because I WANT to know.. I want to know what I can do outside these rooms.. "

“you mean outside of me…. "…sullenly.

“yes.”

“I’m sorry.”

“you don’t..”

“I do…. I’m sorry for loving you so much and suffocating you…”

“you..”

“wait…. you need to hear what I have to say in its entirety… let me fight for you one last time hey ?”

“ok”

in his heads he heard the words.. “I’m sorry for loving you so much and suffocating you. you are my world, and I adore you for it. and I love every moment I spend with you in this house. and I don’t want you to leave me and I don’t want you to stay, because if you leave me then I will be lost. because you are my map. and you know how shit I am at directions….. John… for the past 300 Saturdays, we have loved on this couch.. we have dried each others tears at the latest Meryl Streep, and wiped each others mouths after too much ice cream.. and we have kissed.. and we have made love… yes .. we have MADE LOVE.. and when we came back from Europe, you held me, then I held you.. and losing Simon was still hard… but we helped each other… we will always help each other wont we? because you are the only man I want to love, and you are the strongest man I have ever met… and you make ME stronger by being you..and if I don’t let you go now, I might never get you to come back to me. you will come back to me wont you?”

“I ..”

shaken not realising he was saying those things…" I’m sorry…"

“its ok…” crying too

“will you call me when you are there?”

“you’re letting me go ?”

“I have no choice…”

“Daniel…”

“just one thing…”

Daniel leans into john and kisses him and pulls away…….. they kiss again… within moments they are fondling on the couch..

John is embarrassed.. “I’m sorry Daniel..”

smiling…“its ok…. its Saturday…”

Daniel gets up to make a cup of tea….

“ill be back in a moment john.. just going to make us some tea and have a shower…”

While he is gone a horn beeps out the front and startles John…picks up his things and walks out the door… closing it behind him….

When he comes back from the kitchen john and his boxes are gone. the photo of Moscow is on the cushion with a note.

Daniel does not read the note, but sits on the floor in front of the couch….. he cries…

He will fall asleep there, and wake up in the morning when the sun hits him on his face, he is now covered in a blanket.

John walks in through the kitchen door, just showered…

Daniel stirs at the weight of another person in the room.

“hello.”

“hello….. what?”

“it doesn’t matter…..”

“what about the …”

“it doesn’t matter….”

“and Benjamin…”

“it doesn’t matter……..”

“but….”

“did you read the note??”

“no .. I couldn’t….”

“ill read it to you…”

“please don’t”

“you need to hear it…”

“Today is out 300th Saturday together, and I love you more and more each day we are together. But right now, I need some time.

This is never an easy thing to do, or say .. or think about…. but you need to know the following things.

Daniel Misken, is a beautiful and caring human being who I will always love.

Daniel Misken, was a wonderful father and the memories we have shared with our child though he is no longer with us, will be in our hearts forever.

Daniel Misken, made love to me every Saturday on our couch, and I love him even more for the times that weren’t on Saturdays.

Daniel and John, have been through some tough times and this is one of them.

I am not leaving you for who you are or what you have done Daniel, but because of the person I need to find inside myself…. I will never stop loving you no matter what happens next Saturday.."

“then..”

“its not finished…. I need to add something…”

crying..“… please… stop…”

john walks over to Daniel and puts his arms around him…

“john and Daniel aren’t over….”

“really??”

nods…

“why… what about..”

“I couldn’t leave you on a Saturday Daniel…”

“but..”

“shh… let me tell you what I also know…. you are the only person I want to wake up with in the middle of the night… you are the only person I want to love…. and I want to try this again…. but first things first…. "

“ahuh”

“I will be going away on a holiday on my own….”

“where to ?”

“I’m not sure.. but I will write to you..”

“promise??”

“of course. and I will be buying a spare bed for the study… so when I want somewhere cold .. I can go in there..”

“but you will always come back to me right?”

“of course…”

“good!”

“and one last thing….. I want to buy a new couch….”

“what??”

“a new couch…. for a new life…”

“what?.. but???”

“well.. we can try cant we ??? go test some next weekend?”

“ok…..is that it ??”

" no …. one more thing……"

John kisses Daniel passionately…

“I’d like you to know that I love you…”

“enough to keep the couch ?”

“no…”

“oh…. "

“maybe we could move it to the basement”

“really?” excitedly like a puppy

“sure…..”

“john……?”

“Daniel…?”

“I love you…”

“and I you…”

“please don’t do that to me again…”

Neither was sure at that stage if it was the sex that had converted John’s feelings, or the warmth of each others arms. Things would never be the same, but they would never be different… and that too was ok.