It is hard to classify Armentor “Bo Carter” Chatmon as anything less than a genius. If he had ever met Albert Einstein we would in all seriousness, have time traveling machines by now, but everyone knows that would rip the universe into pieces so it’s a blessing that that never happened. Bo Carter was a genius and he knew it was true. He could have stayed in school and became a diligent, hardworking student, but he decided that his love for blues music outweighed his desire to continue schooling in a system that favored the rhythmically challenged white race. He decided that he would find his way in the world through his music and through his mind. At the ripe age of twelve he began writing his own blues songs in an attempt to claim fame and rest his tired little legs on the top of the music industry. Despite his ambitious goals early on ,Bo Carter found no success in his first songs “I Stepped On A Caterpillar and its Guts Were Yellow” and “Stinky Butt”. No one could blame him for his utter failure, squished caterpillars and stinky butts were all the young Bo knew at his age. He took all the criticism he had obtained and used it as motivation. He would not let his dream fade, and he would not put down his guitar.
For years following the upsetting outcome of his first compositions, Bo Carter hit brick wall, after brick wall, after brick wall, failing to draw a crowd resembling anything more than a drunk who walked into the wrong alley way, found his ears dancing on boring blues music, passed out, and enjoyed the rest of the show in silence, trapped in the creative onslaught of an aspiring musician. Poor old Bo believed he had all the talent in the world but just couldn’t get it out of his mouth and fingertips. No one wanted to listen to his music, not even himself as it reminded him of the insurmountable failure he had been. He wrote a song to express the emotions he felt as the whole world seemed to crumble upon him and his humble talents. The song was called “Insurmountable Failure”. If people had kept track of the most putrid, horrible songs of the time period, that song would have made the list unanimously, an ode to the nature of the song itself.
When the Great Depression laid its cold sweaty palms on the United States in the 1930’s Bo Carter considered hanging himself by a guitar string to end his misery and failure and to conform to the nature of just about everyone else in the time, to find some sort of acceptance. His chosen verdict was not to kill himself, as he realized ,with the thinking of a genius, that if he killed himself with a guitar string he would no longer be able to play guitar so he continued to live life in the hell hole his country had become and he continued to write blues songs unaware that he was soon to become the cause of great hysteria and confusion in the year of 1934.
As the Great Depression grew worse by day, Bo Carter saw the value of the US Dollar shrink to almost uselessness, from a distance of course because he himself could not afford dollars and never owned any throughout his insignificant life. Realizing that it was pointless to pursue paper money anymore Bo Carter realized that he must focus his efforts on a commodity that had never lost value and was constantly stable and abundant. This new found commodity Bo had set his deep blue eyes on was the fine women of the United States. As poor people fought other poorer people for paper money, jobs, and food, Bo Carter dove into a realm of thought only a genius of his stature could maintain without suffering a brain aneurysm. He was going to catapult himself to the top of the economically crippled America, socially and financially. He had a new deal that day in 1933 that defecated on the new deal proposed by Franklin Roosevelt’s. This new deal would reign supreme over all plants, animals, and humans, but only for the year of 1934 as Roosevelt’s New Deal ultimately succeeded in getting the United States out of the Great Depression, while Bo Carters New Deal only helped him socially and pleasurably. The first point of the Bo’s plan was too devise a method for drawing the women towards him from all over the countryside. As he only had one skill and one item to his possession he decided he must take a enormous risk and attempt to lure the women to him with sexually provocative songs, with kinky metaphorical strategies, and meanings deeper than the deep ends of really deep swimming pools. He was too be the pied piper and the women were to be rats, but this Is an analogy as Bo Carter despised rats and he could not play or afford a pipe. He was also geographically isolated from Germany as well so there was no chance of that analogy being anywhere close to genuine on the comparative side of it. Anyway before I was so rudely interrupted by my need to drift from my main point and add humor to my piece by haranguing and criticizing an analogy that obviously has no feelings to be hurt because of its inanimateness, Bo had decided to write an album of bawdy, risqué songs that would drive the estrogen filled population insane with lust for him. His task was set in stone to create this album, this tool, this trap that would guarantee him all the female guests he pleased.
Bo Carter put himself to work for three months on the music he could not afford to fail on. On January 1st, 1934 Bo Carter finished his masterpiece. He had no medium in which to record his art, as he was too poor, but he knew he was soon to be rich in the opposite sex. He knew he would have to spread his influence and his songs through word of mouth so he gathered a small crowd of slightly reluctant women in front of him and belted off song after song he had slaved over. The songs he had wrote were shamed anything that came before it, in style, rhythm, bawdiness, and most important exoticness. Songs like “Banana in Your Fruit Basket", “Pin in Your Cushion”, “Your Biscuits Are Big Enough for Me”, let out a roar of sexual innuendos and mixed meanings that the faint of heart dare not understand. The girls wanted Bo Carters banana in their fruit baskets right then and there. Their biscuits were big enough for him to find worth in putting his pin in their cushions ,but he knew he had to make an investment at this point to further his profits later. He told the women that he would do nothing at all with his pin or banana unless they sang his songs word for word to other large groups of women. The females who had been honored with the first presentations of these songs, felt powerless under the weight of Bo Carters newly found rank among the male species and the songs that had achieved him such an accomplishment.
Bo Carters songs began spreading like wildfire across the country. It was as if Bo Carter has created a dust storm ten times bigger than the one present in 1934, and ten times bawdier. Soon women left their homes and their husbands in large numbers to pursue the current pinnacle of man, Bo Carter. They left starving families behind to make the lengthy and extremely arduous trek to Mississippi so they could possibly satisfy their need for a banana in a banana-less fruit basket. The Women only wanted the banana from one person and this person was Bo Carter. The whole state had filled itself with women, looking for the infamous blues musician that had promised them so much in his songs of passion. Soon all the Men had been forced out of the southern state leaving only Bo and the women he urged for. He was a millionaire, not in the sense of dollars but in the sense of women. He didn’t need anything else in the world, Bo Carter had found his peace, but the Men of the United States had not.
The Great Male Depression had manifested itself in the country that was already suffering economically. The rest of the country was teaming with hot smelly Men angry at their own worthlessness. They had toiled over hard labor on many a day trying to make a living for themselves and their lady friends. They worked so that their families could survive and prosper yet a man who took three months of his free time and devoted it to writing highly perverted songs had taken every last women away. Men became depressed without the women they loved so dearly, 1934 was the year that Men will never forget. The Female Drought had occurred all because of one man and now their was only one man enjoying all of them. Bo Carter enjoyed a lavish lifestyle while all other men found life to be lonely and boring. If anyone ever told you they had a wife in the year of 1934, it was not a valid statement, the validity of that statement is lacking. Though it is not officially documented, it is believed that even Eleanor Roosevelt divorced her husband for a brief span of time from January 4th 1934 to December 30th 1934. She focused her humanitarian efforts that year on not feeding the poor starving depression stricken children, but on feeding her need for Bo Carter. She was temporary put into a trance by Bo’s sweet slippery blues licks and contraband lyrics.
Bo Carter was enjoying the fruits of his hard work and dedication to blues music. He found he was able to overcome all racial divides and prejudices’ while seducing every woman in the nation, because of the music he had made. This was mostly because all the racist men were not present, and the women were all too busy trying to obtain his pin for putting in their cushion. Bo could not have been more pleased with the outcome of his new deal. The economic situation was still bad, and every man in the United States was womanless, but he did not need anything while maintaining the appeal he had created with his songs of love and emotion.
All good things must come to and end as you may know. The malaise experienced by the men of 1934 was soon to subside and the women would once again disperse across the land as the Great Male Depression/ Women Drought slowly ended. Bo Carter was able to control and maintain the large crowd of women for the duration of 1934, but as 1935 approached Bo Carter began to grow weary of filling so many fruit baskets with his banana. He couldn’t keep up with the pace, and he could not help but let his once potent allure fade into insignificance He tried to grow an enormous, bushy, sexually appealing mustache to attempt to keep at least some of the women who had a fancy for fantastic facial hair, but it did not detain a single woman from leaving him alone in despair without a pin cushion or fruit basket to fill. Bo Carter had achieved his goal and enjoyed his run, but knew their was nothing left for him in the world after 1934. It was time to give up the life he had enjoyed endlessly for 365 days in 1934.
Bo Carter entered the year of 1935 with a glint of melancholy in his personality. He had been scarred with his experiences in the previous year. He knew he couldn’t go back, but he always wished he could. He had become accustomed to the comforts of life surrounded by women who wanted to please your wishes thoroughly. It was hard to return to the life he had once experienced as a struggling blue musician.
Bo Carter only wrote one more song after 1934. It was called “ My Pencil Won’t Write No More”, a song describing real life issues he was presented with after too many times putting his banana in fruit baskets.
Bo recorded all of his original songs with a hundred dollars that he stole from a gas station. He considered putting out an album a wise investment of the stolen money yet the album was completely lost from the time of its recording to recent times in which it surfaced on Amazon.com.
Bo Carter will always be remembered for being the main cause and the main beneficiary of the Great Male Depression. He in fact was happier than ever in this time period so they should have named it “the Great Male Depression Except Bo Carter Who Was Quite Pleased With His Situation At The Time”. Either way you would like to see it, Bo Carter has left his mark on this world. His words poison and pervert our minds and arouse our emotions. His determination to find his way in the world and get all the females he could manage, inspires us males to do what we can to honor his efforts, and further our women getting efforts. Bo Carter died on September 21st, 1964. The whole nation participated in a breif moment of silence to honor the death of this man. He will forever remain an American legend despite a very small crowd of people actually knowing who he is.
After almost everyone forgot about the devastation Bo Carter caused in 1934, he is only now remembered for being the person that everyone thinks Bojangles Famous Chicken and Biscuits was named after, yet it is a common mistake as the popular fast food establishment is named after the popular folk song Mr.Bojangles, for no particular reason at all. Theses days women flock to Bojangles restaurants throughout the southeastern united states as a confused paid ritual to Bo Carter. It is quite apparent that much confusion about the origin of the name is still prevalent despite “Bo” accounting for only 2 out of 9 of the letters in the name “Bojangles”, an insignificant 22.2 percent. Just as I say and I quote Bo Carter’s legend will last forever, and Bojangles will continue to profit off of a misinterpreted, highly unjustified, and heavily false
Metaphorically Kinky in all senses