“Will you just f***** off? I’ve just about had enough of your excuses.”

“Sue please listen, it wasn’t what is seems.”

“Oh no John! What about the others then, were not they what they seemed either. This time you have just overstepped the mark by bringing one of your fancy tarts back to what was our bed. Red faced and out of breath, she is still in there getting dressed. What idea am I supposed to get from that? Just how many others have you brought back here? Do not answer I can guess. As she leaves you’d just better be behind her.”

John stood there unable to answer or move. This time he had been well and truly caught out, what was there left to do or say. Sue was not standing for any more of this shit. There were many things to be to be sorted. He knew just as well as Sue did he was not ever going to change. No matter what he did or whatever promises he made. “What about the baby?” This was a stupid question because he really was not going to be the kind of father who was going to stick around or ever be there when the child might need him.
“John that is no concern of yours, you lost that right the moment that bit you’ve just fucked walked through the door, you’ll have the
Divorce papers by the end of the week. Ah! I think she is ready to leave.”

“But…”

No buts John you had time to gather what ever, now just piss off." As she spoke Sue had made her way to the door. “There’s just one thing I want from you.”

“What’s that.” Irritation now coloured his voice.

Opening the door. “The keys.”

The months slipped by quietly and fast, there had not even been any word or contact from John. The only thing that had changed in her was her size had greatly increased and she had – had enough of waiting, Sue had begun wishing for the moment all over. Could she really hand the baby other once it was born with no regrets? Yet still there was no way she could hide the fact she loved John – but there was nothing in the relationship that was completely one sided, while the other cheated at every given and taken opportunity. Yet she was still young, there was a future for her there just waiting, there also had to be someone out there, in that big wide world for her, this was all she had left to cling to and did as if her life depended on it.

The pain of actually giving birth was by far more painful than she had ever imagined, but the staff all around her made it as easy as they could. Being told what was happening was a great help and comfort but as the end approached Sue began to panic. What if she couldn’t let go? The pain, the contractions grew with every breath. Being told to push, pant and push again were not that easy to follow, but somehow she did manage to. The last effort was as if a great rock had just bounced off of her. All she wanted now was to get up and find the nearest loo, if she smoked a fag would be almost heaven now, but she didn’t smoke so the offered cup of tea was just as welcomed. Even though the tea was much needed liquid it did not actually help the fact that she desperately needed the loo.

Finally after being cleaned, weighed and what ever the midwife was doing to the child a tiny bundle in a soft blue blanket was handed to her. Seeing for the first time the tiny dark blue eyes look into hers the pain really hit home. “I am so sorry little one it is not your fault.” The very thought of giving him up was tearing her apart, but she knew it was best for him. Her own life had only just begun, being only nineteen she so much going for her, so much to see and do, so many plans made. Marriage to his father was not actually one of those plans for a while; he had known what she wanted from life from the start of their relationship. To abort this tiny life was not an option she could have taken without feeling totally guilty for the rest of her life. If only his father had been more faithful this small pleasure would have been hers to keep now and treasure for all time, not that she would not treasure these few moments forever.

The sun warmed her chilled body as she raised herself out of the cool pool. A sound – a tiny sound struck a cord within her very soul. A memory, firmly within her mind yet could not real even though it was so vivid within her mind’s eye. Other strange thoughts had plagued her sleep, her wakeful working hours, or when she was just relaxing in company or alone. The white mark upon her wedding finger held no clues, no recognition, no coordinated thoughts, or memories. Sue had asked
her mother is she had had some kind of accident recently that might have induced amnesia. There had not been any kind, so she tried to carry on with her usual day-to-day routine, this was not easy. The dreams carried on, even at work she had – had the feeling that she had done the work before, but there was no way she could have, it was getting frustrating though. Before she even got the work she had an idea of exactly what her boss wanted her type.

Walking beneath the tree that line her daily walk through the park, were her tormented thoughts where slightly less erratic and where soothed by the dappled sunlight, which filtered through the leaves casting gentle patterns animated by the light April breeze. Memories that didn’t seem to be her own ran frantically through her head, had there really been someone that had turned her head had actually changed her future plans, infact to the point of marriage. By what her dreams had shown he could charm her with nothing more than a smile that made her feel so wanted, so needed, or where her dreams just some kind of warning, guarding her against such an encounter. There was another niggling feeling to all her thoughts and dreams that was that she was not alone and that this had happened before.

“Hey Sue, do you fancy a night out with us girls?” Jill asked managing to jostle through the crowded exist. “We’ve all noticed how down you’ve been lately. I hope it’s not man trouble” By the glance Sue returned Jill knew it was not that. “Anyhow we thought it would be good for you to get out with people you know.”

“Jill I’m not saying no but I don’t think…”

“I’m not having any of that self doubt.” Jill interrupted “Stop considering yourself as a party popper.” Giving Sue a friendly hug. “I know better the last time we got together it became an unforgettable experience.”

With that in mind, Sue could not refuse Jill’s imploring look, shrugging in mock submission “Ok! When?”

“How’s Friday night. Dress to kill type of night. Dose that sound OK?” Jill replied as if the cat had just got the cream.

Sue just smiled; she knew exactly what Jill meant by dress to kill. "Tell the others and I’ll see you lot tomorrow. " With that they went their separate ways through the throng of people also making their way home.

Another day found her walking in the park, this time she listened to the birds chitter chatter out their songs, Sue smiled as children played hide and seek among the trees with heir parents. Her mood was much lightened by the planned girl’s night out. Somehow without any control the sound of children playing brought a cold tearing feeling to her heart. Glancing at her hand again, why was there a white mark there? Sue didn’t ever remember wearing any kind of ring there, so what was this mark telling her? What was it to remind her of?

“Sorry!” Was her immediate reaction as looked at the person she had just collided with “I wasn’t watching where I was going.”

“It’s all right, nothing broken” He smiled giving himself a mock check over.

Sue just wished the ground would open up and swallow her whole “I’m sorry, even if you are OK. There’s no harm in having some manors.”

“Too right there, just wished there were more like you around.”

Sue was just about to say something when he disappeared within the usual crowd of the park. Shrugging she rejoined the flow and lost herself in her own thoughts on deciding on what she was going to wear tonight.

Maybe it was drink induced but she woke abruptly, her night cloths soaked in sweat and clinging coolly to her body. That face of the man she had collided with yesterday, she knew it from somewhere, but where exactly from? It had somehow brought on one hell of a nightmare; that was so vivid it had to real. The small bundle of what she did not know but in this dream she was obviously giving it away. There was another strangeness to this nightmare; it had the feeling as if she had done this before, not just once but many times. That face had an almost haunting feel to it.

The nightmare had really freaked her out, up until now she never really believed in past lives or anything like that. These last few weeks this had begun to change, there could not be any other explanation for the strange memories, and the sudden thought trails that she now seemed to wonder on to. Still that face from the park was bothering her along with the dreams come nightmares; deep down Sue knew that man, but her mind was telling her that she had never met that person before.

Here she was again following the same route, the same routine, what on earth brought her here for this daily walk through the park beneath the trees, from the first ever walk till now she had never had any real reason to do it; but somehow it calmed her. It made her feel alive; pleasure came from seeing the world go about its own business, the birds sing, and the winds gentle rustle through the trees. Summer days were not the only days that brought her here she had even braved the coldest and wettest of days just to get out. Without really realizing she had answered her own question, the park was a good escape, to be in the open and feel everything what life really had to offer.

Sue had never thought she would ever see him again, but there he was; could her memory be playing it’s tricks gain, surely not. NO, she had not been mistaken, it was he. The nearer she got the more it became obvious to her that he was actually the same man and he was looking for someone. This she hoped that – that someone was not she. With this assumption she was totally wrong because the very second he spotted her, he was right by her side.

“Hello again. It’s a nice day.” He said suddenly realizing he may just be coming across rather too strong. “I—err- was hopping you might pass this way”. Offering his had “My names John.”

Sue didn’t quiet know whether to take his hand or run, hesitating she took his hand, on touching a strange sensation shot through her arm. There was something about him, a strange un-nerving fact that she already knew him. “I’m Sue. Do you come here often?” She knew it was a stupid question but she also knew she had to try and start a conversation if only out of politeness.

He had seen and sensed the hesitation but most people do when they met someone they don’t actually know. “Not often enough but I do try on warmer days like today.”

Silence filled their tiny part of the world for just a few moments, while each weighed the other up and decided if they were actually going to take it any further. Sue had this feeling that this was no chance meeting on his part, he just had to know she would be here at some point in the day. The very thought that someone had been watching her was very un-nerving but could this just be her own insecurities taking over on what could be a very innocent and truthful chance meeting. This she could not answer, as her thoughts had not been the same since the nightmares had begun.

John just stood there watching her, he could see and sense the awkwardness she was feeling. He so wanted to tell that he had been watching her but not with any malicious intentions, he truly wanted to get to know the lone walker of the park. This young woman walked with ease, a sure calmness that gave way to total mystery, this had intrigued him. He was kind of praying that they would take this meeting just a little further so he could get to know just a little, but she had to make that decision. Finding out her name would do for now if that was her wish.

“Do you fancy a coffee?” Sue asked finally breaking that silence that was now getting rather embarrassing. “That’s if you have the time.” This was her day off so she had ample time to waste.

John was relieved and hoped it did not show that he would not have to go through all this another time. “Yer why not. Do you know of any good placed that isn’t too far away?”

“I do if you like cappuccino.” She smiled slightly as he nodded.

As the months passed spring turned to summer now autumn was coming with its crisp colours and urgency to gather in the summer fruits. The greens of summer were now slowly turning to rustic reds, yellows and shades of browns, as for the strange white mark upon her wedding finger – which had disappeared with the tan Sue had gained in the summer. As the seasons changed so did Sue’s daily pattern, john became more than just a walking companion; even with all her doubts and troubled dreams of the man they still became lovers. Walking hand in hand through the park were they first met beneath the trees, then going to the small cafe` to have a coffee laughing about the way they met.

Again came the dreams, the nightmares of a past that could not possibly be hers and yet the events that were happening now had been predicted by those very strange dreams she had been having. Little details like having a simple coffee with John had the feel that it had happened before, this was not just a whimsical feeling it was more a gut feeling; but she had only just met John. While they chatted over their coffees Sue felt there was something very familiar about him. Since that first day they have met at the small cafe` regularly and found they had quiet a lot in common, they found it easy to speak about any subject and soon learnt how to disagree amicably and as the days, weeks and the summer drew to it’s end their new found friendship turn into something more.

Sue’s work mates had commented often on how much happier she was; more willing to join in the many organized nights out, and in the way she dressed. Sue had noticed the change in herself also her confidence level had risen, her attitude towards herself and others had gained new heights of trust and meaning but there was still some self doubt and the dreams but life now was more fulfilling than it had been before John had come into her life.

As they got to know each others likes, dislikes and faults, their relationship as a couple went from strength to strength, but Sue still could not tell John about the dreams. Recently they had become more vivid more so when they spent a lot of time together was it actually John triggering these strange unknown memories, Sue remembered the strange sensation when they first touched hands, but this really could not be because they were happening before she met him.

There was only one other option she had to learn more about the belief in past lives. It wasn’t that easy as there really wasn’t that much information on the subject all Sue got from her search was that it wasn’t a proven fact that people could remember past lives neither was it disproved; but what she did find was that it was quiet a fascinating subject. Her last option to her dilemma was to sit back and see what life had to offer with John and hope the dreams were just an over active imagination. The only dream that really bothered her was the one that woke her often-drenched in sweat was the tiny cry of the bundle she was giving away.

Special nights spent together starring into each others eyes over countless candle lit dinners made their blooming relationship all the more special. Yet each still had their own lives to lead, as well as the one they were beginning to plan together. Had she found that special someone, which could just whisk her off her feet with nothing more than a smile? Even though she extremely happy the dreams persisted, but had this really happened before? This was a question she had begun asking herself often, but common sense was telling her there was no possible way; not with this man.

As relationships go theirs was no different to any other, their engagement was very formal; John’s stag night and her hen night was avery closely guarded secret from her. The more time they spent together the more the gut feeling Sue had felt before was telling her that this had happened before. Just little from her dreams was happening without her able to control them or change her actions, but she still could not deny that she was extremely happy. Planning for the big day was getting more tedious causing untold headache and no real fun at all. Choosing the right colours, the church, the guest list and the venues for the reception was causing all kinds of arguments and mayhem, all because Sue was trying her best to make things feel different than her dreams were. Nothing held any pleasure everything felt too much familiarity no matter what she did tried all was as if this was only the motions of a time gone and lost, if only she could totally banish and quell the dreams then just maybe then there would be more enjoyment to it all.

The big day of the wedding came and went as smoothly as possible; the time now came for John to move in with her as husband and wife. The first six months were fine; things went as they did before they were married. The little changes in John began happening. Just as her dreams had predicted. Staying out all night, the mood swings, the smell of other perfumes that were not hers. Strange and very un-nerving messages had been left on the answering machine. Every thing that had happened in her dreams was now infact happening to her. When she tried to reach him at work he was always out, what was really happening? This really didn’t need an answer she already knew; he was cheating on her. The dreams were real she had lived this all before. Should she tell that she was pregnant or not?

Time passes by so very slowly when the penny finally drops. He was not what she had thought; her dreams had told her that she had known this man before. However, stupidity and the blindness of love stopped her from listening or believing. The bundle is now so obvious it is the baby she is now caring.

Anger now replaced all the stupidity of the past; common sense now became reality with such clarity the truth was blinding. This had all happened before; it was now time to change or live-forever stuck in turmoil. Without thinking, Sue carefully and quietly opened the door, as she knew full well what was going to happen in the next few moments. Just as moments and the rest of her life and for John to face a reality he had never faced before.

Opening the bedroom door Sue still found it a shock to find him not alone in their bed, but she was fully in control. The woman saw her first and shrieked with shock and embossment. John couldn’t get up quick enough “Sue I can explain.”

Sue was not listening, she was just gathering his cloths and throwing them at him. “Just get out and on your way leave the keys behind.”

Sue was not going to be trapped again; this was not going to happen again. There was only one option to take. One she had never considered before, Sue felt no remorse or that she had murdered another – just relief. too many things from her dreams fitted too well to the situation. The meeting, the giving of a tiny bundle, the white mark it had all fitted. Now what was to happen? This she did not know but surely she would have a better life ahead than stuck in this endless time trap.

Time had been playing tricks with her life, now it was time to get it back she now had the answers and the means to end it all. either she survived or died neither mattered. This had to end; no man had the right to be his own father.

Toss yet not a pepple,
However, a stone into the rhythm of time.
Cast yet a petal into the will of the wind,
as pollen feeds the bees.
Sow the seeds of a life,
within the womb of the earth.
Let the words of greats,
follow the endless raindrop.