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Fake Humorous Magazine Article

The Three Best Consumer Products of the Past 25 Years
Written for: The Bucks County Community Cynics aka BCCC

The Bucks County Community Cynics have created a list of the top three consumer products of the past twenty five years. Over this time period, computer technology has made greater leaps than it has in its history. Some us these products and software have allowed us to make believe we are exercising whilst still laying in our living room, hold in our hands the single most distracting piece of technology in human existence, and steal intellectual and corporate property on an un-fathomable scale. They are the pinnacle of the search for easy exercise, an all knowing omniscient god box, and a way to spend your hard earned money on your Iphones bill instead of costly compact discs and DVD’s. The three greatest products to have shined their infrared, fiber optic, and Wi-Fi lights on the consumer recently are the Wii, the Iphone, and Peer to Peer file sharing.

The Nintendo Wii was created for a culture of obese sedentary gamers, a common persona these days, and that’s why it placed third amongst the top consumer products of the past twenty five years. Its efforts to get children and teens across America off the couch and moving, so mothers everywhere could finally clean the Pepsi stained couch cushion and vacuum up all the Doritos Crumbs left behind from months of intense gaming, have paid dividends for its recent success. The commercials promoting the gaming system showed children taking control of Zelda’s, a popular Nintendo character, sword and bow and slaying foes with extreme force and precision accuracy. What they failed to realize was all that effort was not necessary; all you need to do is sit and swing your arms. Why would anyone stand if they don’t have too? This amazingly gave the focus group of obese children the out they were looking for. The WII is exercise defense, a Godsend for all the little overweight children tired of their mothers telling them to go outside and play. This defense allowed children once considered to be torpid and lazy to argue that the Wii is actually an exercise device. When mother walks into the room you dance around the room playing Wii Fit, a Wii exercise game, and when she leaves its right back to Metroid Prime and the Oreo’s. This system has saved the lifestyle of a lot of America’s youth and that is why it is Number 3 on the list of best consumer products of the past twenty five years.

Next on the Cynics list of top consumer products is Peer to Peer networking, or P2P for short, has revolutionized the consumer market. It not only revolutionized, it completely destroyed its predecessor by eliminating currency in an inflated and jobless economy. Who wants to pay Fifteen dollars a CD, Twenty dollars a DVD, and who even knows where to buy Pornographic Videos? All you need to subscribe is the internet, a common commodity these days. There is a lot of internet to go around. Think of P2P a series of tubes all connected to one main pipe. Any information allowed into the tubes is then shared with the other members of this waterless pipe system. With Free software, free music, and free movies; is there any reason to pay for anything anymore? Corporate entities can be destroyed by making their products free, P2P has proven that. Take a look at the music industry for example. They cling to their ITunes sales and look back to the good old days of Un-burnable records, horrible sounding stolen mixed cassette tapes, and copious amounts of profit and wonder what happened. Everyone should thank P2P for destroying a greedy business, creating complex community oriented series of tubes, and giving us what everyone wants: FREE THINGS! All of these benefits have weighed this decision to place P2P file sharing as number two on the list.

Finally, the top consumer product of the past twenty five years is awarded to the Iphone. This product gives the consumer ability to talk, surf the web, and text message while simultaneously playing finger controlled Skeeball, checking the weather, updating their Facebook status. This small five by three inch electronic device succeeds in nourishing our rabid salivations for gluttonous multitasking minds. A smorgasbord of music, games, email, and telephone all crammed in to one box for our distracted minds pleasure. Who wants to focus on anything anymore anyway? Having an Iphone in class is the equivalent of a cat playing with a ball of yarn laced with catnip. It really has no purpose but for some reason it is mentally addicting. This omniscient God box can tell its followers how to get from here to there, how much Google’s stock is worth, and what the air speed velocity of an unladen swallow happens to be. It will not be long before its followers will be drinking the blood of the Iphone and eating its body as a sacrament. The Iphone has singlehandedly distracted, informed, and amused the public since its release. This product gives the consumer everything it could want it a product a distraction, copious amounts of knowledge, and even doubles as a phone. For this, the Iphone is the number one product in the list of the top consumer items in the past twenty five years.

Now, some might say that these products are having a negative effect on the consumer as a whole. They might argue that addicting distractions, practically un-governed theft, and pretending to exercise furthers the underlying problems in American society. But, all these products try to do is make people happy for who they really are. Those afflicted with ADHD have a place to divert their attention. Those who want to stick it to the man can do so. Finally, those who really just don’t want to get up, have every right not to. These products, although according to some have a negative effect on society, generally do have a positive effect for the majority of our overweight, over stimulated and underpaid population.

Throughout the past twenty five years society has sat down while exercising, stolen more than ever in recorded history, and become more distracted than ever. Thanks to these fine products the consumer has been able to accomplish all these feats. So, start jotting down ideas and sending them to the technological masterminds that created these fine products. Hopefully soon, as technology progresses, the public will see these products merge together. As the consumer sits back in their virtual reality stuffing their face with stolen cyber Twinkies, doing avatar jumping jacks, and still searching for the answers to life’s greatest questions through a phone conversation with God (Iphone 6g); they must look back to this twenty five year span an realize when it was all made possible. The pinnacle of human happiness will then be surmounted. Honestly, where would society be without technology?

Fake Humorous Magazine Article

John Walsh

Warminster, United States

  • Artist

Artist's Description

Writing for Comp 110
Satirical Humor for a college newspaper

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