I can’t wait for time to end
time it heals, they say
who the fuck are they

it seems so long
so fucking long
why do you have to still be here.
why, when it ended so long ago
what seems like forever
but there have been so many days
between now and forever ago
so many phone calls and bus rides , every day bullshit to share
and groceries and days of wishing someone
would help me carry stuff up those goddamn stairs
and not being able to reach the top cupboard

so many nights, which seem like the forever time they keep
fucking talking about
where I have laid in that cold bed, wishing I had more than my blankets to hold

but you, you never shared the blankets, you never carried anything
up those goddamn stairs
but I could swear that you did
the you I remember always carried things for me, always.

you looked at me and loved my ugly days
flannel pajama days
unwashed hair days,
lazy sullen days,
the musty slept-in days that I love that you , in my memory, loved….

you never did.

it was and is and always will be the love that never was real
why don’t I remember the truth
why don’t I remember what was real
why is it that I remember something I only wished for

that wasn’t you
that wasn’t us

but I still remember it all the time