You smiled
I smiled

Two year’s worth
Two year’s of not knowing you
Went away with two seconds of smile

Your face, that same tired face
Hadn’t changed,
Why did I think it would
It didn’t in the five years of looking at it
It’s beautiful crookedness
The lines, put there by years lived too hard, too young
Existing only on self defeat
The home to my gaze for so long
My eyes got to come home today

My heart skipped, no, plodded
Like a skiddish mare, too anxious for a silly skip
But it was there all the same
And I could feel yours too
From across the room
I always could, time hadn’t changed that

We talked, we did didn’t we?
I didn’t dream it
The slight hesitation
What to talk about?
Family? Yes, family, safe.
How’s your mom, sister, son (I miss you)
My mom, she’s good, sister’s are great, brother’s even better ( I miss you too)
How’s work? (I’m so sorry)
Good, you? (God I am so sorry)
Ok, I guess. (I wish things were different, I wish I could hug you)
Oh, I hope everything’s ok. (Now…please now)

There was so much I thought we had to say
But it was being said
By our silent plodding skipping hearts
Their nervous beats doing their morse code to each other
His hands, his great big gentle hands
I saw them, I remembered everything
About how they felt, how they felt on me
His hair, more grey, but I knew it felt the same
God, he looked so tired
My heart, it was breaking looking at him
He knew it.
But the smile, the guileless little boy smile
Melted me
He knew it, in his way, not cocky
But knowing

You offered me a lift
I took it, I wanted more
More what I don’t know
My wounds weren’t re-opening
That was my fear
My heart wasn’t re-inviting
That was my biggest fear

But I wanted more
Of you

We talked more
Delving into personal topics
Injuries, setbacks, pain
I could see your pain
Behind those silly cheap sunglasses
Who buys gas station sunglasses?
You do. That’s it.

I didn’t ask
You told

I found my mind
Momentarily wishing, hoping, pining
I stopped it
I remembered my pain that those eyes behind the sunglasses
So coldly administered two years ago
The ice in them
The hate in them

I looked at in around through you today
And I will love you for as long as it takes
For as long as it exists
My anger towards you is gone
That seething pain is gone
But I will not be able to survive if the eyes I love
And the face I call home
Leave me yet again

(please for the love of god, just fucking hug me)