A slap in the Facebook

I didn’t recognise your Facebook….

I’m sorry, I didn’t see your profile there, it was hidden in the various piles of tacky crap you’ve got padding it out, your many applications clouding who you really are. All those cartoon pets that you pretend to care about, the many small pictures of drinks friends’ have supposedly bought you or your trivia score that proves just how many hours you’ve wasted playing it.

Am I supposed to be proud of all the icons, avatars, flashing GIFs or the random miscellaneous kitsch that everyone else adorns on their page. Am I supposed to join in on the insanely stupid group joining or cupcake giving? Turning my “chumps” into zombies, comparing our deepest, darkest sexual desires or giving blocks of fake chocolate and sweaty gym shoes just to show that I e-care? Why do humans gather on these crappy internet corners, transmit the internet version of std’s and join together to “punch slow walking people in the back of the head.”

I thought you were my friend until you began spamming me with your many applications, repeatedly asking me to bite chumps, sending me e-pets , e-flowers and e-food. I joined this site to keep in touch, not to trawl through your many bits of crap to find out how you really are, see what you spent your weekend doing and send you a message to let you know that I still think about you.

If you were really my friend, you’d know that i’m a low-fuss kind of person. I like to keep it simple and clean.
The only thing that’s keeping me from hitting the “delete this friend” access is the “block application” button below each innate response you send, so that at least, I will never see the spam you send, or from anyone else. This site is merely just your Kombi van which you decorate with your many trawlings on the internet. You can paint your van any colour, but of course yes, you’re blonde, so it MUST be pink.

I guess the one upside for yours truly is the ability to laugh at everyone’s hijinks. I was never a popular kid, I wanted to until I realised what its like to lose your soul, to lose a part of yourself because you were trying to gain acceptance to a bunch of people who judge each other on how many brands they own, and because they shun you because you’ve got a few extra spots on your face. But now, alas, you begin to feel better, you feel a tad higher than everyone who you used to try to fit in with.

In person you care, you play the whole “Oh hi, how are you, good to see you again, yes of course im REALLY interested in knowing what you’re doing with your life.”
With your closer friends, and in your mind, you’re thinking “oh my god, DID you see her pictures online, I know she’s not a real blonde.” But everyone does it I guess, we all feel the urge to compare one another, its the basic tendancy of all human nature.

Oh and then there’s all the photos that you see in your news feeds, wow, have I learnt so much about people that I didn’t really need to know. On the flipside, there’s light entertainment at my fingertips, I can laugh at your gummy smiles, your fake pouts which you think make you look cute, in reality, make you look like you’re having a stroke in a straw-sucking fashion whilst looking significantly vacant in that “I want to look like a puppy” kind of way. Oh, and before I forget, you think you’re SO geeky because you buy cosmetics from the internet? Best chuckle Ive gotten in a long time.

Some simple suggestions so I can laugh at you alot less:

1. Don’t post pictures of your docile/drunk/drug-fucked weekends
2. Don’t post your modelling portfolio. Unless you want me to look at it in a costructive-criticism kind of way. In which case your photographer’s lens isn’t sharp and you look awkward in your bikini in the middle of WINTER.
3. Call me, message me, don’t post some intimate details of your life online and then get angry when I dont follow up
4. There’s more to life than alcohol. Because you can’t go out on Saturday night, its not the end of the world. There’s a friday AND a saturday night next week, and every week of the damn year, why’s this one so special?
5. Learn to separate your e-personal from your real persona. Its scary if the two are the same.
6. THe world won’t fall apart if your friend doesnt send you a picture of a cupcake to let them know you care.

I do enjoy, as you may keenly see, that I enjoy to browse and think these things, they make me feel like so much more of a success for not trying to get on with “your people” After years of alienation and coming to deal with it, this makes me feel somewhat better. I hope nobody feels offended by my thoughts. I’ve never been the artistic one with expressing them. I just was never the joiner type, I dont know why I ever tried, and if this offends you. Click your links, type in www.facebook.com and bitch about me. I’m sure I’ll read it and i’m sure that Ill have a good laugh too. Because if you don’t laugh you’ll cry. This world is becoming a depressing place as each day drifts past, If you can’t find your comedy and appreciate it then I think you need to lighten up.

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Tags:

facebook, friends, non and vainty