I have absolutely no freakin idea what to write, hence the title this week, ‘A whole heap a Nothin". I’m just trying to get back into a keyboard swing and the habit of typing the words, quantity being the goal and be damned with the quality, that can come when I have more time to devote to this curious sport of writing.
I’m in my kitchen and its 7 a.m on Sunday morning. Eldest is in a teenage dead to the world coma, a snot filled Toast is watching TV and not complaining at all about the pain her throat or the congestion in her head, she’s obviously not a male of the species. I could never see the point in not complaining about a cold, its one of the few ‘outward’ illnesses that can be easily used for ones own ulterior motives. Hey, now I know what I can write ! (the ulterior motive thing just inspired me).
Last weekend we had a few nice weather days and we headed off to the country. At the back of the house in the country is a huge crop growing farmers field, this year onions are the rotation crop of choice. Anyway, to cut a long story short we were playing volleyball and the ball went over the fence so I hopped over. Between the fence and the farmers field is a Gaza strip area of weeds and nettles, which of course is where the bloody ball was ! Next to this is a barbed wire fence about waste high which stops creatures etc getting into the onions. But it didn’t stop me, oh no, man the hunter me !
Lest you think me a thief, which I have to admit I was, it was the Missus, who whilst sitting on the fence (literally) looking down on me struggling with the nettles and ball, suggested that perhaps we could cook a nice curry for dinner and some fresh onions wouldn’t go amiss. She was grinning in a ‘go on ye little devil’ kind of way. So wanting to impress, I climbed over the barbed wire and into the farmers field where I pulled up an onion and threw it over the fence.
“Get two more’ she shouts with a giggle, both of us feeling like children and hoping our children wouldn’t see their parents steal!
Quick’, the Missus shouts suddenly, ‘the farmer’s coming’
With that I start tearing towards the fence, both of us laughing, but still not wanting to be caught by the farmer. ‘Hurry Hurry’ she shouts, ‘throw me the onions’
So I did, but just as I threw her the onions I stepped in a weed covered tractor rut and lost all balance, heading face first into the barbed wired fence. Now being a vain man i of course didn’t waste time in putting my arms in front of me and luckily the soft flesh of inside arm saved my face from the rusted wire fence.
The arms?, ripped to shit I’m afraid. Too many stitches to count and puncture wounds from wrist to armpit. At the moment the wounds are very visible and angry, and I love that, because you know why?
THE FARMER WASN’T COMING AT ALL !!!!!
The beautiful wench I married was winding me up, having a laugh at the expense of a man trying to feed his family (I like that bit). And her little fib, her disloyal and treasonous act, has left me scarred for life. And boy I am lovin it! I’m rotating my understanding and my forgiveness just like the farmer rotated his crop. I’m reminding her of my love for her and its ok pet it was funny after all, to wincing with pain when her mother and father came to dinner (and for the first time in 25 years they gave out to their daughter for treating me harshly ! wehay!) But the best bit of all, and the reason the ‘ulterior motive’ comment reminded me what to write this week, is that I told her I couldn’t get my arms wet for a few days.
So she had to get into the shower and WASH ME !!!!!!
And I mean a decent all over wash as I stood with my hands against the wall like a felon getting arrested. And of course she couldn’t help but show me how sorry she was.
So to all you men out there ( and Matt I notice your new Chat Room so I’m tempted to start a discussion on this :)) just remember,, there is a God who sometimes gives married men a break!
I’m thinking that maybe I can also start a new ‘saying’, you know the kind of rubbish that is on those rip away daily calenders? Maybe something like
‘Stealing Onions can sometimes lead to Making Hay’.
whatya think :) Now if you excuse me, I need to waken the Missus for my Sunday morning shower, I think I’ll get her to use the coconut and mango extract this morning
Have a good week folks.
Matt Penfold
LOL, ain’t that grand when you find the silver lining, particularly when you’re doing the wrong thing? So much for karma…
A fine heap of highly amusing nothing. Yes I think you’d better start that discussion Cal. :-)
Cathal .:
Matt, we have to always search for the silver lining don’t we ! Great to hear from you
Teacup
‘Stealing Onions can sometimes lead to Making Hay’ I think you could start a calendar of sayings all of your own Cathal! my god, I was smiling and then laughing there more I read… I can so picture it, just close my eyes and reminisce about days retrieving lost balls/frizbees from fields, nettles, cowpats, barbwire and tractor ruts to contend with…sigh, I do miss home so…. what a laugh your missus is, my kinda gal… not so good about your injuries, but then you seem to have found a silverlining, so good for you… I’m sure it is not that much of a chore for the missus!! anyway, good to hear from you again and I signed up for the cafe chat room too – will be good some for great discussions for sure!! Have a great week – school hols finish tomorrow and I’m back to work after 2 magic weeks off… cheers… xxx
Cathal .:
Alison isn’t it the memories of the simply play things and the laughs that just keep us going. Cafe chat room is proving difficult in view of the time difernce for me but I hope you’re enjoying it
rjpmcmahon
Lol I reckon you can play this one out for favor for a good while Cat. With little surreptitious smears of guilt judiciously served out. Enjoy while you can :-))
Cathal .:
Rick, didn’t get as long as I hoped for of course !
AnniG
There certainly seems to be treasure aplenty at the end of your rainbow!!…(Even though the rainbow’s end was buried in a field of onions!) I simply loved this classic story, which really made me giggle and can only say: …“make hay while the weather’s good!!”
Once the stitches are out, perhaps you can get the missus to diligently rub tissue oil into the ugly scars…that should cover another few weeks of making hay! …enjoy!
xx
Cathal .:
Hwllo AnniG, great to meet you! Actually she rubbed a thing called Bio Oil into it last night which to my simple brain was simply foreplay! but she didn’t agree!
Really nice to meet you and when I get a chance I’m going to pop into your page. Thanks for stopping by.
Tuliptree
Hahahah! Good for you. :-) I admire your honesty in not deleting the ramble at the beginning either!
Cathal .:
us Irish ramble a lot don’t ye know ! cheers
lianne
You’re such a master of story telling Cathal and the most refreshing and delightful part of it is the remarkable, tender, self-deprecating but totally honest and humorous way you can make such an “ordinary” moment into a story one can only wish would not end at all. Making hay from your stealing onions escapade seems a perfectly fair recompense – lol – and I’m pretty sure the Missus is well aware of the manipulation and gladly playing along! I’m grinning from ear to ear (though truly solicitous about your injuries my friend!) and can’t tell you how much I’ve missed your miscellanies – each a treasure!! Love this Cathal xoxox
Cathal .:
Hiya Teach, sorry Ihaven’t been as diligent or prodigious as the rest of you but life is just hectic at the moment and sitting at my computer is a luxury! Sorry I haven’t commented on some of your new pieces, I promise I will Teach !
Pooh
I am sorta thinking, how long you can get away with this. I know your thinking until retirement maybe or when your packed off to the nursing home in your nineties. Keep up the theatrics as long as possible, or until your caught out lol..
Quite a few ooochs and ouchs until the aaahhhhhs huh.
Cathal .:
Ah Pooh, she kopped on very quickly, but hey, I still have the scar!
KMorral
Lol! You have such a way with wicked words :-P Love the saying..though prob best to hide it from the kids for a while too many questions, not least of which- ‘I thought stealing was wrong daddy?!’
Cathal .:
I wonder is stealing ever ok? if it means you get washed? No? ye sure?
Arcadia Tempest
What a hoot of a tale ….. so what catch phrase of this tale me thinks???
An onion in your pocket may give you more benefit in the wash later…: :O)
Onion softener…. adds more froth to your soap… LOL …. Oh I better stop I have all these slogans in my head for this campaign..
Barbed by life….get an onion for the Missus…
Me and my onion get more mileage …
Cathal .:
mmmm I think I might design a RB t shirt for a christmas present for the Missus! Great idea KS !
Lisa Baumeler
Ohh-hh, too funny!! I’d like to start by saying I hope you are healing well (notice I didn’t say quickly? I get the feeling you’d like to milk this one a bit longer?)…… it sounds hideously painful! Stitches? Ouch!! I was a total tomboy as a girl, spent more time up in treetops than with two feet on the ground. I was always coming home with scrapes and cuts and/or tree sap in my long (stupidly thick and curly) hair. If I had a dollar for every time my Mother threatened to cut it all off because I was complaining as she combed through the sticky mess, I could have easily skipped college and coasted through life! It seems I was always nursing an injury! I bring this up because I had a nasty fall a couple of weeks ago (running with my Husky….she spotted a rabbit on the opposite side of me, crossed my path and I went ass over tea kettle onto the pavement! Of course I was wearing shorts!!) which left me with road rash, two badly skinned knees not to mention the ankle, shoulder and chin scrapes. I was surprised and embarrassed (five cars witnessed this and not one of them stopped to see if I was OK!…..I wasn’t sure if I should be relieved or insulted!). I can’t remember the last time I hurt myself as an adult whereas when I was a young girl it was a given. So reading about your (semi-self inflicted…..steeling onions….really ha ha!) trauma makes me think about how much more careful we are as adults and makes me wonder “are we missing out on all those funny, unexpected little life experiences?” because we are so guarded and careful all the time? I think it’s great that you and the missus have a bit of the devil/child still in you! It’ll keep you young! And scars aside, look at the great story you can now tell, not forgetting the biggest benefit of “temporary” shower mate!
Two parting thoughts for you…….
1) Your first mistake was in trying to impress a woman. You have to know that when a man thinks with his “little head” it never ends well!!
2) A page for the missus’ “rip away daily calender”……..“Beware of mango/coconut scented asses!” ;^)
Have a great weekend! I’m going running with the dog now! xxx
Cathal .:
ass over tea kettle! what a lovely saying :) And the picture of you with skinned knees is just making me smile. Maybe you should right a story about a girl at the bar with skinned knees and who chats her up and how :)
I completely agree that we don’t embrace the ‘stupid’ like we used to, because it was never actually stupid it was part of growing.
on your first point reagrding impressing women, you may be right, but I bet ya the shuttle was first thought of by a geek trying to get his end away with a cheerleader :)
Now on the second point of Mango Coconut asses ! Hey I like the way you think woman! Imagine we adopted some of your Husky traits and smell each others butts to see if we were compatible? lot less failed marriages I reckon, and a lot more scented asses!
Pleasure as always Lisa, talk to you soon
bellmusker
The beautiful wench I married was winding me up…
What a glorious statement, Cathal! You paint such a wonderful image, rich with love and warmth and a fair weft of the kind of teasing that makes it all so divine…love your storytelling :-)
Cathal .:
Thanks Bell, delighted you get some enjoyment from it as you give so much enjoyment to others with your own writing. And as for the wench, well I know I got myself a cracker there alright, but that doesn’t mean I stop introducing her as the ‘current wife’ :)Thanks for the read as always
kimangeline
talk about finding the silver lining…i LOVE that you’re having fun with your scarred for life arms…and that you’re getting a good ‘wash’ out of it…it sounds like you have a wonderful love between you two…makes me smile and fills my heart xo
Cathal .:
Howya Kim. I didn’t get too many washes but hey, it was worth it while it lasted:) Scars are still angry so I flash them every now and then as I need to :) Thanks for the read Kim and hope things are good down your way.