My life seems to have gone downhill lately. Well not exactly lately. I guess it all started when Matt died. When he died he took the old me with him. I was never the same since. I knew it was too good to be true. I was so happy with Matt. I was finally going to get my life together. I had gotten the nerve up to break up with Andrew. He was no good for me. He had way too many problems and I just made things worse for him. I also made it worse for me because I always try to fix things. That relationship was just torturing me, because I could never get him any help. So I finally got out of that relationship, which to tell the truth was killing me. I was free to date Matt, who I believe was my soul mate. I spent two weeks dating him, not at the same time as Andrew. He was even talking about leaving Chii for me. I had found the best group of guys in the world. I was building strong friendships. I was almost always talking to someone. We were going to go to grad bash and prom together. We were going to graduate. Everything was going great.
Then in one second, it was all over. Who knew that one second could matter so much? Who knew that one second could end a life and destroy a soul all at the same time? Who knew that one second would ruin my life? It is because of that one second that my life has spiraled downward. Everything fell apart in that one second, whether I knew it or not. After that one second, I started fooling around with Andrew again. I knew it was wrong. I knew it was hurting me and him. I knew it, but continued anyway. I broke it off again and broke all ties. I still went to prom and grad bash. I still graduated. It just all seemed hallow somehow. It never did live up to expectations. The strong friendships began to dissolve. We began to drift apart. I no longer had anyone to talk to. I would often cry myself to sleep.
Then there was college. A chance to make new friends, meet new people. A chance to start over. It was supposed to be a good thing. It doesn’t seem to be working out that way. I have made a few very good friends here; Sarah, Jordon, Heather, Jon, will, Kayla, Tyler, Jon, Alice, and Annie. These friends didn’t seem to last. Jordon is moving away tomorrow, Kayla is thinking of leaving next semester, Annie will also be leaving, Heather is thinking about not coming back next year, me and will have drifted apart, I don’t talk to Tyler much anymore, Sarah and Jon are almost always together, I don’t spend time with Alice outside class, and I really don’t think Jon likes hanging out with me too much. I am not a very outgoing person. I cannot just go up to people and start talking to them. I miss my good friends. Jack still comes to visit a lot, but he doesn’t come to visit me. Keith still comes down to, but I can’t help but think that Heather has quite a bit to do with it. I just miss the good old days.
I also have trouble asserting myself. I never get anything done on time. I am used to having everyone else do it for me. I am stressing a lot lately. I am so stressed that I am getting physically sick. Things just seem to be out of my control. I am suffering from insomnia. This is the second time I have written a really depressing piece while I could not sleep. I lay in bed, crying my eyes out, trying not to wake up my roommate. I start to think, how long would it take someone to notice that I am dead? If it was on one of those weekends when Heather was out of town, it could be days. Sometimes I just think I would be better off dead, but I know this is not true. Sometimes it just seems that way.
I wonder if not for that one second, how different life would be.