Beware the Inner You by Jim Hall

“Who knows what evil lurks in the hearts and minds of men?” I believe this to be the opening line of “The Shadow”. It’s a far better question than I could have asked. But deep inside, where no one can see, lurks a terror that we choose to forget, lest we lose our minds as well as our souls. It’s not about the Devil. It’s not about Satan. It’s a horror of our own creation. It starts when we’re infants and are told not to do something, or are punished for some misdeed we unwittingly did. We say to ourselves,“that’s not fair. I shouldn’t have been punished for that.” So begins that secret, separate part of our minds that believes we have been wronged. And we vow, secretly, to one day get our revenge, to strike back at those who kept us from our secret desires. To be able to do what you want, without constraint or denial, is the secret desire of the child. To satisfy your curiosity without someone making you stop is what you really want. Absolute power. That’s what you desire. When you’re told to stop, somewhere deep inside, you decide to wait. You know that one day you’ll be big and powerful enough to do or get what you want, but for now, you must comply and agree to play by their rules. One day! One day!

Sound familiar? What most don’t know is, that part of your mind doesn’t go away. It just digs in deeper and hides until the time is right. Then, on one fine day, the opportunity it has been waiting for, for all your life, will present itself and it knows that the moment is right. It’ll stand up and say “now I’m taking over.” And it does, for a while. That part of you will seize control and do what it wants until it is satisfied or is made to stop by circumstance. And then, afterward, it goes back inside where it can hide again and gloat over what it’s done. To secretly review, over and over, the hideous pleasure of doing whatever foul deed it took the opportunity to inflict.

And you know, indirectly, that you were a part of this event or spectacle. But you justify not stopping yourself by saying that something came over you, it made you do it. That way you can deny responsibility for your actions. After all, you’re not some kind of monster, you’re a human being, right? So, you go on, exonerated and guiltless, until the next time, and the next. Finally, it decides to become the master of your body. You must be the one to hide secretly in the back of your mind, because you’re afraid of this monster living in your head. It seizes control and sends you to the dark place deep in the recesses of your mind to languish until you can be used at some later time to accept the blame for something.

So starts the beginning of multiple personality in some. They can go on like this for their entire lifetimes. In their everyday world, where they have to interface with others, they seem normal and well adjusted. They can even get along well with others. It’s good camoflage. The idea is to hide right out in the open where everyone can see them. They know that people can’t tell what they’re really thinking. And they’re really good at rationalizing why they say or do something.

Do you know this person? Are you this person? They walk among us every day. You’d never notice them if they tapped you on the shoulder and asked you for a light. Some of them are solitary, some will be found in groups. A lynch mob is a good example of this. The mob will do things that people would not do individually. But watch for the leader of the mob. He’s the real monster. He knows how to push all the right buttons. That way his power is increased manyfold. Afterward, if caught or accosted, he would say that it was the will of the crowd. It’s what everyone wanted.

To know this darker side of humanity is a curse, but one that most people never see. That’s because they’re afraid that they will see themselves reflected in that pool of horror. They couldn’t bear the thought that they could be like that. Only the truly cruel being can withstand the intensity of it’s own gaze in the light of it’s deeds. But hidden deep within, a creature lives in us all. Sometimes we must work hard to keep it chained to the walls of our minds.

These stories of mine can sometimes be like a window into our souls. Sometimes they merely conceal a deeper purpose. Sometimes they can be an outlet for remorse or a release of fury. Other times they express desires that can’t be easily discussed or asked about. Each person sees something different in them, for not only are they windows to the soul but also a means by which some are repulsed, yet attracted, like a moth to the flame. Others are simply entertained.