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WHY HOLLYWOOD GIVES ME THE SHITS...

 

Sometimes you see some really dumb shit in movies… like cars exploding when they fall more than 6 feet, Colt 1911 handguns that fire 11 rounds in a row… [the extended magazine only allows for “9+1”]

Sometimes you see stuff that just doesn’t make sense…

Countdown displays on TimeBombs.

 

Why? I’m guessing that the person who activated the bomb already knows that he set it for 5 minutes, and its not like he is gonna come back to check how long he has left until the bomb goes off.

It Is the ultimate in alarm clocks…. You don’t even need to be in the same room to hear the “alarm” go off.

Hell, you don’t even need to be in the same suburb to hear this alarm!!!

If it hasn’t gone “bang” in about 5 minutes, then the mad-bomber will know it hasn’t worked.

Perhaps the digital countdown is for anyone who finds the bomb?

How considerate! – the mad-bomber has let them know how long they have to live.

Granted, that is pretty cruel when you think about it, but considering the extra tech and expense that goes into creating an electronic control system with a digital read-out, why would you bother? It would be much easier to do it the good old analog way.

Coloured wires in TimeBombs.

 

Really?

I mean really???

The mad-bomber is such an anal-retentive tech geek that he insists on correctly colour-coding his wiring?

pfffft!

It seems unlikely that he would go to Dick Smith/Tandy/Electronic-Geek-Store-of-Choice and buy six inches of 10 different colours of wire, especially when once it is built and armed it really doesn’t matter what colour the wires are – its not like he is planning to “unwire” it anytime soon.

Red Wire / Green Wire.

 

Seriously?

This follows on from my previous rant.

Do they seriously expect us to believe that Mad-Bombers follow a blue-print on how to build and wire a timebomb? Where do they get these plans from? … the “Mad Bombers Monthly, Spring Catalogue”

More to the point… if all the Intelligence Agencies are so aware of how mad-bombers wire their bombs, then why don’t these mad-bombers just switch the wires around?

or… just use the same coloured wires???!!!

If I see another action film where the hero-de-jour has to make a last second decision between the red wire or the green wire then I am gonna throw my pizza at the TV.

Secret tracking devices that have a flashing light

 

How fucking secret is it gonna be if you put a great yellow flashing LED light on it?

And who exactly is that flashing light for?

Its not for the protagonist… the whole point of a tracking device is it enables you to follow something that you can’t see … so certainly a flashy little light is superfluous since the protagonist can’t see the thing he is tracking – let alone the tracking device itself!

It is certainly not for the person presently pursued by the protagonist. I’m fairly certain that the protagonist wouldn’t want them to find it since they would then throw it away thereby ruining his chance of tracking them.

Clearly its for the people in the audience watching the film. But fuck me, I just saw him place the tracking device, am I also so stupid that I need a flashy light on it?

If it was up to me I would tell the person that they have a flashy-tracking-device-thingy in their car/pocket/bag … audience members be damned!

Hand guns that go click-click when you point them at people.

 

Ok this one really pisses me off.

Handguns, on the whole are beautiful pieces of simple engineering. They are designed to do the same thing over and over and over again. Its one of the things I like about them… I just really like neat engineering.

Yes, yes, … I like bridges too.

But handguns don’t go click-click when you point them at people. In fact they don’t make any sound at all except when you put in a new magazine and cycle the slide to load a new round into the chamber.

Revolvers make no noise at all really… certainly nothing related to the relative direction in which the gun happens to find itself pointing at the time.

If I pointed a gun at someone and it went “click-click” I would be scared to fire the damned thing because something is obviously very very loose – and that aint good when it comes to guns.

Noisy clicky guns are a sure sign that you are about to hurt yourself very very badly.

While I’m talking about guns, who carries an unloaded gun?

 

I don’t mean unloaded as in completely empty, I am talking about nothing in the chamber.

Every time some goon picks up a shot gun, he has to cycle the damned thing first to put a shell in the chamber.

I suspect [quite strongly, actually] that if I was a bad person with the sort of intent to do bad things that would neccessitate the application of a shotgun to another person in an unpolite manner, then I probably would carry the thing fully loaded – 7 in the magazine PLUS 1 in the chamber so I am ready to rock and roll.

Maybe the baddie is worried about his gun accidentally going off and hurting some poor innocent person… but he could “lock and load” his gun by using the safety button and thus satisfy his personal need to support community safety when it comes to responsible firearm ownership.

Maybe using the safety button on guns is kinda wimpy for bad-ass nasty types… you know “oooh, look at Gerald – he uses the safety button!”

That sort of thing could seriously impact on a criminal’s sense of self worth.

and finally… cops who can shoot a baddie from 60 feet while on the run.

 

You know what… you couldn’t hit the side of a house from 60 feet if you were running.

Handguns are just about THE most useless weapon in the world once you get past about 20 feet.

Inside 20 feet they are definitely the weapon you should go for [allthough a knife is actually far more dangerous].

But there is no way that anyone could chase some baddie through the streets, up and down fire-escapes, over cars, through crowded shopping malls, and then pull out his hangun [with a 5inch barrel], and with one hand shoot the baddie.

I mean, if he was that good, why didn’t he do that first instead of doing all that running and climbing shit?

Me, I would have shot him first, screw the running.


 

Oh, in case you were wondering, this rant is Liam Neeson’s fault.

There goes 2 hours of my life I wont get back again…

Comments

  • Cindy Schnackel
    Cindy Schnackelover 2 years ago

    LOL! I wouldn’t know about whether guns click, or bombers care about color coded wires, etc, but very entertaining. Things in movies that always make me wonder are:

    • People who take the sheets with them when they get out of bed. Who does that? Certainly not people who have to make beds.
    • Never finishing a meal or even a cup of coffee. In movies, they buy expensive restaurant meals or make elaborate meals at home, and then never consume them.
    • Just hanging up the phone without wrapping up the conversation. Rude and weird.
    • The good guy is a great shot every single time; the bad guys can be firing at someone with 100 machine guns and never hit a thing.
    • Computers that make beeping sounds for every key stroke or function, and light print on dark screens nearly all the time, a la 1980s Radio Shak type displays.
  • People who take the sheets with them when they get out of bed. Who does that? Certainly not people who have to make beds.

    hahahahaha – that is one of the funniest lines I have read in ages.

    I have slept with a few women in my time, granted – probly not as many as George Clooney or Brad Pitt, but still … its a reasonably large enough number for the purposes of statistical analysis… and not once has anyone ever got out of bed and taken the damned sheets with them.

    On occassion I have packed the bathrobe from the hotel I was staying in, but never seen anyone take the sheet off the bed.

    If it is a modesty-thing… well we just spent the night doing “the naughty” … I’ve seen it all … you aint got to hide anything… and besides – maybe I would like some modesty so why are you taking my sheets?

    Yeah, I don’t get that.

    Oh… and people who have worked out how to have sex with a sheet between them. That is either a clever trick or the roughest form of contraception!

    – BYRON

  • micklyn
    micklynover 2 years ago

    Thank you. Laughed out loud. Just what I needed right now.

  • Then my job here is done!

    – BYRON

  • Corri Gryting Gutzman
    Corri Gryting ...over 2 years ago

    Byron…
    Don’t hold back now…tell us how you really feel.

    Liam Neeson….any film in particular?
    Any particular director?

    PS: I can give you a link for a good book that’s free on Amazon today…
    Every Precious Thing by Brett Battles

    lots of action, and no count downs on any bomb timers….

    Countdowns on the bomb timers…I hadn’t noticed that before, but you’re so right.
    It’s there only because it’s a great visual, and well, “a picture’s worth a thousand words”….

    Did you hear that Anonymous is taking on the mafia?
    I am thinking if that’s what they want to do, it’s better to not give the mafia any warning.
    Unless that is part of the beauty of being Anonymous?

  • Liam Neeson….any film in particular?

    I can’t say for sure, I am trying to block it out by beating my head with a piece of lemon…

    … that has been neatly wrapped around a large brick.

    Its just another movie that starts off with a pleasantly promising premise but rapidly recedes into yet another by-the-numbers action flick where hero-de-jour wins the heart of female-sidekick-co-star.

    Its like they ran out of money half way writing the plot, and decided just to go with a good-ol’ standby-plot-for-action-movies #3b.

    – BYRON

  • George Lenz
    George Lenzover 2 years ago

    what does this have to do with art?

  • I dunno, but probly more than the Liam Neeson film I just watched, that’s for sure!

    – BYRON

  • artsmitten
    artsmittenover 2 years ago

    LOL … you really pointed out some most common and funny things ..
    ..and the sheets ..lol yes taking away some modesty ..thats hilarious my god ..nice share again big boy

  • glad you enjoyed my little rant.

    – BYRON

  • peechez2010
    peechez2010over 2 years ago

    You know, sometimes it is fun to step away from art and just have a fun conversation with a fellow “bubbler”. This is one of those times and I love it! I have wondered about the same things…also, notice nobody ever locks their doors when they leave?? In this day and age…come on! Most of them have someone after them or their family and that is their idea of security?? Note to self: Never ask any of them to house-sit…lol Another thing…..nobody ever has “morning face”…. Who looks perfect all the time? This was really fun…thanks for posting it!

  • or movies shot in New York City where the protagonist can find a car parking space right outside the place he needs to be.

    I’ve been to New York City… you couldn’t find a parking space on the streets if you drove a SMart Car… and I do drive a SMart Car!

    And they never lock the damned thing either. They just get out and leave the keys in the ignition. Now if someone did that in my street, then fuck it – I’m gonna take that car for a spin… and I live in a really nice friendly neighbourhood where nothing bad ever happens.

    I reckon if you tried that in NYC your car would last about as long as a virgin in prison.

    – BYRON

  • To be fair, my friends who live in the Hamptons don’t lock their cars or their houses at night – apparently there is no need to.

    I found that kinda wierd, especially considering that it is in America, and the perception of the USA is that it is one big crime capital.

    As it turns out, that perception is often wrong.

    Still, it was wierd. There is relatively little crime where I live, both in my suburb and in my city, and yet we still lock everything.

    – BYRON

  • Revenant
    Revenantover 2 years ago

    To answer George’s question, the willing suspension of disbelief is art, right?

    If I wanted to blow something up with my natural distraction, I think I’d like to use coloured wires for the circuitry bits. I suspect that colour-blind bombers have very, very short careers.

    As far the unerring aim of good guys with their infinite ammo clips, well – that’s Hollywood. Very few good guys or bad guys seem to acknowledge the existence of the safety. Hmmm.

  • I’m all for the willing suspension of disbelief… I love Star Wars, Star Trek, James Bond and Spiderman.

    Its the willing suspension of my own intelligence that I am not so keen about.

    – BYRON

  • peechez2010
    peechez2010over 2 years ago

    You know it…I think that would be the case just about anywhere. That shocked look they get in the movies when they come out and it is gone…how in the hell did that happen?? lol Thanks again for the laughs man…very cool post~

  • Its like… “well you left the keys in it, and this is New York City… I assumed therefore that you were giving the car away to a good home. Don’t get pissy at me for taking something you obviously no longer wanted!”

    – BYRON

  • A V S TURNER
    A V S TURNERover 2 years ago

    Heh heh heh. These are all sooooo good! I’ve never fired a handgun before, but I hear they’ve got quite a kick on ‘em. And yet you see innocent bystanders in action scenes frequently picking up discarded guns and firing away, one-handed like they’re a natural! I’m such a coward that if it were me in that situation, I’d just sit on the bloody thing and pray it didn’t go off in my arse!

  • I love Clint Eastwood in the Dirty Harry movies… hell – I can recite all the cool lines perfectly. but when he fires that .44MAG handgun – single handed…

    I don’t care who you are or how strong you are, that gun is gonna hit you in the forehead.

    The .44MAG kicks worse than a shotgun, it is a freaking scary handgun, and having fired one a few times, I would never choose to do it again… too much work, not enough control.

    And the grip-panel is way too small for such a big gun.

    Handguns… what a joke, they may make you look tough, but they suck the big fat hairy one when it comes to self defence.

    – BYRON

  • Cindy Schnackel
    Cindy Schnackelover 2 years ago

    Yes, that’s right, Byron, in movies and TV they always Do It with lots of fabric between them, whether it’s clothing or bedding. Just once, I’d like to leave a meal uneaten and answer the door wrapped in a bed sheet, after doing it through denim, (assuming my alarm clock didn’t explode first). Then I’d really feel Hollywood. Film is supposed to be art though, so I guess it’s artistic license, and so fun to point out.

  • artistic licence is fine … put them both under a sheet and show us nothing, but putting a sheet between them is just silly.

    particularly as the sheet is supposed to take away any implication of impropriety…

    However… the up and down movements, the groaning, the moaning, the trains into tunnels, and bubbling champagne, and the ciggie afterwards pretty-much give it away that the co-stars coupling in coitus have in fact been making the beast with two backs.

    If they haven’t been doing some horizontal folk dancing [because the bed sheet tells us that despite everything else, – they weren’t getting jiggy with it], then I for one want to try some of that because it looks like fun, and I could tell my dear Grandmother that I am still her good boy because I didn’t do anything inappropriate.

    – BYRON