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I have a black cloud.

My cloud owns me. It has prevented me from coming to this page for longer than I can remember. I loathe and detest it. It haunts my every move.
Yet…….I am on heavy medication and on some days, the black cloud blows away in the night and when I wake I know I have a free day. A day of being ME. A day, or even more than one, when I feel “normal”, when I can really use the word HAPPY and even enjoy. This is so precious, yet I feel I don’t appreciate it enough. For the black cloud makes me angry that it can control me so well. Others share my black cloud, even if they have another name for it. The anger is debilitating, humiliating, fierce, self pitying. And that is the last thing you can deal with, self pity because it destroys the soul, and self confidence, your “wholeness, wellness” and it is not allowed.
The main problem however, is that I have become cunning at concealing the “when” . The" when" I have the black cloud; I can be funny, interesting, totally sociable and no one knows. After, when I am on my own the exhaustion of keeping up an apparent appearance, is intense and I have to sleep it off. I have to bear it though, and I am so thankful, for many are far worse off than me.

Journal Comments

  • Whirligig
  • Kathleen Cameron
  • Bron
  • Cathie Brooker