this is the story of consequences
Wouldn’t be so bad if you were allowed to leave
hold in the tears.
Or they might think your crazy…
hold in the breakdown
or they wont let you go.
listening to the snoring of your new room mate
the scuff of the people walking up and down the hall
the drip of the tap and the glug of the toilet in a room 3 doors down
you toss and turn, wanting only someone you love to tell you its going to be ok
trying to find a comfortable place on the scratchy pillow.
Slowly shivering under the thin blankets
but to scared to ask for more
finally you wake, not remembering falling asleep
to the yell of “BREAKFAST”
you move fast so you don’t miss out.
Standing in line with your tray.
Swaying because your still half asleep
and you know you look like shit
but who cares
so does everyone else
once your finally served
you turn around and terror grips
cause you don’t know where you can sit
who looks the least insane
the one who is still half comatose?
The one who has all his food in a certain place on his tray?
the one who is smiling and trying to talk to everyone?
The one muttering?
The one tapping and shaking so much the food is barely on the table?
Finally you decide.
Keep your head down and don’t talk
just bolt the food down and escape to the shower.
The only place your really alone
the only place you can cry and not be at risk of weird looks or fake sympathy
the fucked thing is
all you want is to get out
and they wont let you
but as soon as you start to make friends
and start to live a little
through jokes, funny stories, laughter, music
your told that you can leave.
So sigh with relief
but then come the good byes
it was only a day and a half
but you could connect
they didn’t worry why you were in
they wanted to know who you really were as a person
because they genuinely cared.
So from the past 3 days i have 4 memories:
having people who love me visit and do nothing but hug me
being ignored by everyone and wanting nothing but a smoke
playing music with new friends in the courtyard in the sun
not being allowed to cry