Alcohol Thing

Do you like my new multi coloured shirt?

I made it myself

After ten vodka and raspberries in an hour

I got thrown out of the nightclub because I couldn’t stand

But they weren’t even looking

‘Else they would’ve seen

I could quite capably stand

On my own two feet

If I was held errect by my friends

They were forced to leave, too

Not thrown out like I was

They had to go to prevent me from drowning

In the deep end of the vomit pool

The cold air outside made it worse

I thought I was going to freeze

I thought I was going to die

I thought I was going to be in a hospital bed

And friends and relatives

And guilt-filled employees of the Metro nightclub

Would all have to come and give me

Get Well Soon presents

This thought truly made me feel sick

When it was evident that it would not happen

I had never been so empty

Never been so quiet

Never felt so sick and weak and helpless

The most sickening part was knowing there were so many openings for one liners

And I couldn’t even utter them

I only moaned

And let my head hang out the window of Eddie’s car

As we cruised down the freeway

Entertaining the occupants of passing cars

With a magical light show from my mouth

All the colours of the rainbow

All the fruits of the forest

I made it home

And it took me five minutes to find the keyhole

Even though the porch light showed me exactly where it was

Four days later

Eddie washed his car

And the vomit washed off the paint

That’s where I got the idea

I’ve got into business for myself

It’s great

It’s the best job a guy like me could ask for

I work my own hours

I can drink as much as I want

Whenever I want

I’m a paint stripper

13/9/98

I

Alcohol Thing

brendan harkom

Melbourne, Australia

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