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Strength

Barely have the strength to move
But I put on the face every day
Wash away the pain behind the eyes
Pat dry the burning, stinging, skin
Look in the mirror and
Tell myself it’s all going to be all right
But I know that’s a big fucking lie

I numb myself with one or two a day
(Please don’t let it get worse)
And I coast by on fumes
Watching the happy people
Being one of them when I’m out
But the solitude of home brings out the me
The Pain returns and the Smile fades
The Face becomes unrecognizable

It’s not healthy for someone
To choke on their own breath
To put everything on themselves
[But what if I could’ve done this
What if I hadn’t done this
Why was it destined to happen in such a horrible way
When will my time be rewarded]
But that seems to be all I can do

Think and then think some more
Reminisce on quite possibly everything
That’s all that happens anymore
There’s so much I wish for
But only I can see what I
Think and wish for at night
It’s a dastardly game played by just one

I just have to continue to live this way
A life gone but not even started
Nothing but time left and time’s already gone
Heart’s on the floor but I have to conceal it
So get me some white-out and I’ll start painting
Because…

I barely have the strength to move
But I put on the face every day
Wash away the pain behind the eyes
Pat dry the burning, stinging, skin
Look in the mirror and
Tell myself that it’s going to be alright
But let’s face it, deep down I know

That’s a lie.

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Going through a hard time in life right now and just trying to find the strength to keep pushing on day after day. It will get better, things always do, it’s just going to take some time.

Comments

  • Laurie Search
    Laurie Searchalmost 2 years ago

    Oh wow, Jonathan…This was very moving and powerful. I’m so sorry you’re going through such a hard time. Please remember that you’re not alone…Keep digging deep and finding that strength…I know it’s in you. And try to be good to yourself and take care of yourself. Find something to keep your mind occupied if you can. And keep expressing yourself however you can, as you did here. Hang in there, Jonathan. All the best to you. xoxo

  • Thanks for the kind words Laurie. Much appreciated. I’ve been trying to find something; anything. But so far I haven’t found anything that helps. I just have to keep looking. I’ll be as good to myself as I can. It’s hard and feels damn near impossible, but it has to be done.

    Thanks again, and thanks for the favorite. Means a lot when someone likes my writing enough to favorite it. :)

    – Jonathan Bartlett

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