Although I joined Redbubble in August 2007, this is my first effort at writing anything here.
I’d like to chat about acceptance; something I have struggled with all my life. Since being a small child, I have always allowed others to define me. It took me a long time to accept that I have as much right to define myself as others have. I feel I know myself better than others know me .. but it wasn’t always that way.
For me, acceptance is very closely related to honesty and I have a strong belief that without honesty we are nothing but an illusion. We live in a world where “image” is important and people judge us by how we look and sound and not how we really are.
Different cultures have different ideas about image. In many societies, women are judged by how pretty they are or by how efficient they are in the kitchen or the bedroom. Men are rated by how strong or fearless they may be. In such societies, women aren’t expected to be good at practical things like changing a tyre (tire) or mending a broken chair and men aren’t allowed to cry or to show any feelings of sensitivity.
I grew up in a microcosm of society, which was my rather insular home. My father judged everyone on their intellectual ability and he judged me on my grades at school. I grew up in an atmosphere of constant arguing, caught up between two ill-matched people, each a good person in their own right, but totally incompatible and driven to anger and frustration because of it.
My mother wanted me to be a kind sensitive person who would always be there to listen to her tales of woe after my father had been threatening or pushing her around. I became her counsellor at the age of ten and felt responsible for her emotional welfare.
My younger brother had been born severely disabled and both our parents were determined that I would compensate for this by being twice as good to make up for the sadness of my brother’s disability.
I spent all my youth and early manhood trying desparately to impress my father and to comfort my mother. The word “failure” was deeply imbedded in my subconscious and that’s how I always saw myself.
My mother died in 1984, filled with bitterness after accusing me of loving my wife more than I loved her. I tried explaining it was a different type of love, but she wanted me always to be there to listen to her and I had a life to build for myself and felt guilty for finally allowing myself (at the age of 32) a “normal life”. My father died in 1987, before I could do anything that might make him respect me more.
There is only one person who really loves me for myself and that is my wife.
After my father died, I started producing prints of my ink drawings of Blyth (my home town) and they sold well. I even got featured in local newspapers and I have my first solo exhibition in June this year. I have been married 25 happy years and we have two children aged 20 and 24. I am starting to accept myself as I am, warts and all. I know I’ll never be as good at art as many on Redbubble, but I know I am doing my best and I know there are a lot of people who respect that.
I have poured out my personal feelings here as a sort of sacrifice, in the hopes that someone will read this and realise that we should never ever allow others to stick labels on us or evaluate us. I believe we are all equal in the eyes of God (apologies to any atheists reading this) and each of us has our own part to play in life’s vast tapestry.
We should all strive to accept ourselves as we really are and to be happy with what we are. When we learn to accept ourselves, we have taken a big step towards accepting those around us. Never try to be someone you are not just in order to find friends … remember that a friend is someone who knows all about you and likes you just the same. Throw off the cloaks you have made for yourselves and just be who you are … falseness and insincerity really suck! :))
ACCEPTANCE
some very personal thoughts on self-acceptance …
shanghaiwu, 4 months ago
you make me weep/this is wonderful/what a special human being you are!
VioDeSign, 4 months ago
Perfect!!! Now I respect you not only as a wonderful artist but as a great person too! God Bless You!!! Violetta
Julie Just, 4 months ago
Thank you Dave for posting this, our life paths seem to be a close parallel.
I’ve finally accepted I’ll never hear the words from my mother I’ve yearned for all my life, my heart no longer aches because I accept she will never see me as anything more than a drunken mistake in her eyes. When I finally accepted it was a mistake she made, not me, my life changed.
I tell my husband, children and grandchildren every day how my heart is full of love for them and how proud I am of them, not just because of their achievements but for just being the special people they are. I like me.
Deborah Holman, 4 months ago
Wise words indeed Dave, the only ones I disagree with are the words about your art. You are indeed a great artist and have a very unique style, you now need to get used to believing that as well. Traumas in our early years do tend to give us insecurities throughout our life and we just have to recognise them for what they are and leave them behind (I know from experience that is easier said than done, but it is possible). I value your friendship and look forward to receiving your emails.
colin, 4 months ago
Emotive and honest words, Dave.
Quite abrave to do that on a public venue – where anyone across the world, may drop in . Although maybe cathartic, in the way writing things down has always been, for as long as people have been able to write.
I have no family – my mother died in 95.
As has been noted, you words can only allow us to respect you further, as both a fine artist and individual, marra.
You’re accepted alright!
Colin.
Martin Derksema, 4 months ago
I think this a very courageous essay. I respect your honesty. You speak a lot of true words in this writing, words that touch me, because I feel so related to what you wrote. It rather whirled up my soul and thoughts and I will think about your words and meditate on it. You are a great human being, Dave. I love and respect you.
ronibgood, 4 months ago
Very well written Dave.
Daniela Weil, 4 months ago
A very touching story… And yes, I guess a lot of us have to reach the late adulthood to finally understand in our own how special we are and not to do the same mistake with our young!
pamelap, 4 months ago
I will have to view your exhibition in June. I am almost local to where you are. I will be sure to tell people in the region. All the best to you and your family. A good piece of writing to contemplate.
Woodie, 4 months ago
Well written Dave and so true.
Cheers Neil
PS Your art is really great. N
Cadence, 4 months ago
This is beautiful and so true… Very inspirational :) Thank you for sharing all of this, Dave :) How is your brother doing now, may I ask?
Brian Towers, 4 months ago
All that support and encouragement in just four hours Dave; that must go a very long way to rid you of any doubts about who and what you are. Indeed, your words must be of great comfort to those who read them and who also have similar difficulties. I think you know I’ve been echoing your sentiments for a long time, a lesson which was only learned in old age when reassessing the value of life, family and friends. What more could you want from the members of RB than that encouraging response.
BLYTHART in reply to Cadence’s comment, 4 months ago
My brother was given up for dead almost straight after he was born. When he was thirty, I was told he’d not see forty. He is now 54, praise God.
BLYTHART, 4 months ago
If my emotional pain can encourage someone somewhere to feel more valued it will have been worthwhile.
BLYTHART in reply to VioDeSign’s comment, 4 months ago
That’s kind of you. I don’t particularly wish to be known as a “great person” ... just to be thought of as good as anyone else. I can’t repeat too many times how much I owe to my wife for her emotional support over the years.
BLYTHART in reply to Deborah Holman’s comment, 4 months ago
I try to be honest at all times (have you ever listened to some of the lyrics of Leonard Cohen) and honesty can be a painful process. I’m NOT a great artist, but I thank you for saying that … maybe I’m an adequate one (oops .. maybe not), but I have a slight tremor that prevents me doing accurate hatching without the lines touching, etc. Rather than let that prevent me drawing, I try to find ways of getting around the problem. One way is …. no coffee! :))
BLYTHART in reply to shanghaiwu’s comment, 4 months ago
aw … sorry … didn’t mean to make you cry :(
BLYTHART in reply to Julie Just’s comment, 4 months ago
You have given your family love, Julie … and that is something they will remember long after they’ve forgotten what you bought them for Christmas :) I decided to write this because I know how much good art is born from pain and sorrow. I’ll not embarrass them by naming names of course, but I know there are artists on Redbubble who have experienced and are still experiencing emotional and physical pain and are rising above it by the vehicle of their art. Hope that makes sense.
Marylamb, 4 months ago
A beautifully written essay from the heart and soul. Thank you for sharing it. As parents we all have to examine the messages we give to our children when all they really want is unconditional love and acceptance.
BLYTHART in reply to Marylamb’s comment, 4 months ago
so true … they didn’t ask to be born into our family, so we must make them feel welcome :))
madvlad, 4 months ago
one insult, then another, then another when you are ignorant that the sayer, are them selfs, in great pain and only striking out them selfs at their own self hate,so it is with us as children, it takes a life time, to still the ugly voices, that ring thier tune, we have to take time one day, to stop, look inward, and reprogram, our own voices that haunt us and steal our joys, this is the true being, born again,here on earth,your story is not only yours , it is a legion of others, sadly,love,caring ,is a too thin line, in too many lifes, all you have written is our story, know this, and you will know, you are, not alone in your self healing, it may not help, you, but it will make you know you are not alone!take the hands of others, and hold on, be true and honest, and you will be surprised who will show up and say,DAVE me too! so go on with the life long healing one day at a time as they say, one day at a time! ,as to your art, yes you are not some other artist you admire- you are dave edwards, thats enough,cus that is all you are “dave” accepted or rejected,thats life, always,, life is unfair,,relax, it is also now, to be lived or worried away
pinkyjain, 4 months ago
This is very inspirational, thank you so much for sharing Dave. i admired you from the first piece of art i saw by you, & now even more. You are a courageous & wonderful person
BLYTHART in reply to pinkyjain’s comment, 4 months ago
Thanks for the support … I guess we are all wonderful people … just took some of us a few more decades to realise it.
BLYTHART in reply to madvlad’s comment, 4 months ago
thank you my friend .. so true … none of us are alone in these feelings … deep down we are most of us very similar … some know this; others often deny it.
BLYTHART in reply to Martin Derksema’s comment, 4 months ago
... anything less than honesty doesn’t interest me Martin … that’s why I respect you.
malzard, 4 months ago
Really well written,i am wondering if a lot of families were like this in the sixties and seventies,certainly rings some bells for me, i know i have gone in the opposite direction bringing up our kids and it certainly seems to have worked,All the Best.
Sean Farragher, 4 months ago
amen to that
Firedrake, 4 months ago
Wow Dave, powerful stuff. Sounds as though your upbringing was tough on you. The attitude has so often been ‘We have to stay together for the kids’, though if the stories many of my friends have told me are anything to go by, it seems the kids are most often better off when the parents separate.
It is so wonderful that your wife has succeeded where your parents failed.
I bet you tell your children all the time how proud you are of them :)
Pilgrim
,
4 months ago
What an important and wonderful story. There is enormous value in being able to be honest and open. I think when you get there you are showing a higher order of understanding. And you are there. It is a willingness to be vulnerable and to allow others to share in your experience. This is powerful, honest and moving. Thank you.
BLYTHART in reply to Pilgrim’s comment, 4 months ago
I find comfort in the belief that Christ accepts me as I am, so I should accept myself and others as we are. I am a Christian, but I don’t subscribe to the view that everyone who isn’t will go to Hell. I believe God measures us by our capacity to love one another and to love God and respect His creation.
BLYTHART in reply to Firedrake’s comment, 4 months ago
Yes, how often did I hear the words, “I only stayed with him because you wanted both parents” My mother tried to leave my father when I was ten but I started crying at the bus stop and she brought me home and for the next twenty-four years she blamed me for “preventing her” from starting a new life. I don’t know which hurt worse … the angry slaps across my face over the years, or the constant blaming. My father stopped slapping me when I was about fourteen, but the last time my mother hit me was when I was thirty. I loved them both … I understood that their emotional problems (nervous breakdowns) prevented them from seeing things as I saw things and I deeply regret that they both died young, before we could really become good friends in a true adult way of accepting each other, faults and all.
BLYTHART in reply to Firedrake’s comment, 4 months ago
Oh … and yes, my kids know I am proud of them :))
helene ruiz, 4 months ago
oh hell yea! Say it loud and clear!
Bravo!
F Magdalene Au..., 3 months ago
I like what madvlad said:
“you are not some other artist you admire- you are dave edwards, thats enough,”
I read that you feel you’ll never be as good as some on RedBubble but I think you give yourself too little credit. I’ve seen your website. I’ve seen the skill with which you execute your paintings. You tell a story with not just the image but with colour. This is outstanding, what you do. So please, somewhere in your path to self acceptance, accept that your work stands out as excellent, equal and in many ways better. Lastly I’m beyond impressed with the painting LOOSELY BASED ON SEATON SLUICE. I absolutely love that painting.
smiles to you and yours,
Austin
BLYTHART in reply to F Magdalene Austin’s comment, 3 months ago
You are very kind.
Alexandra Jack, 3 months ago
Thank for being open and honest your writing has been of encouragement to me. I find that sometimes I find it hard to believe that God accepts me as I am and I struggle with accepting myself warts and all. I find that your style of art work is unique and I really like it. I would like to share something I have hanging above my computer that is by Cathie J Fletcher ( Isaiah 64:8)
YOU ARE UNIQUE
Did you know there’s only one of you?
No one else has your characteristics!
And talents to do what you do!
No one else has your voice,
Your background, your style,
There is not another person who wears your smile.
No one else has your abilities, your handshake, your walk.
No one else has your view-point ,your expression, your talk.
Tis not by chance,
There was a master plan.
Your are specially designed
By the Creator’s own hand,
Since man first began,
There’s not been another you.
Who can reach out and touch others,
The way that you do.
We are the clay,
You are the potter,
We are all the work of your hand.
Alex
BLYTHART, 3 months ago
That is so true Alexandra. Instead of competing with others, I’ll try to be a better Dave Edwards than I was yesterday and you try to be a better Alexandra. We are unique. I believe we all have a path to walk and if we ask God and then listen to Him, he will guide us on it.
catblack, 3 months ago
hey, thx for this link
you are very right, gladly i realised this a long time ago but i’m aware that there are alot of people who are so scared. scared of thinking, dressing, eating, talking differently and that is really really sad. who defines normal anyway, i mean the definition must be something totally something off the wall to anything we know, everyone is individual and those who can’t accept it should try again. it isn’t fair to pressure anyone to change or be how you would like them to be. sorry to hear you were Dave, but luckily you realised it just in time… by the way i liked how you accounted for everyone regarding your little God comment ;)
BLYTHART in reply to catblack’s comment, 3 months ago
I have a strong belief in God, but I accept that everyone has a right to their own beliefs, or lack of beliefs. Thankfully the dark days are gone when people were tortured if they didn’t become Christians … the trend has reversed now in many parts of the world.
Marion Chapman, 3 months ago
Wow, Dave – what an incredibly honest account you have written and what an incredible outpouring of support!
The best thing you ever did was to love your wife and have an independent life. Our parents have a huge impact upon our sense of being but you rose above this and found someone to love and who loves you back – this is one of the best parts about life and it is something that i value and treasure on a daily basis.
I can understand your sadness in not having your parents live long enough to form a friendship with you but experience has shown me that people sometimes grow older and more bitter, not less – so i guess i’m trying to say that maybe it’s not a terrible thing that they have gone as you are in a sense free to publish and share this incredibly honest account.
dimarie, 3 months ago
Very brave and honest entry!
Thankyou so much, for all that you are.
You are a wonderful person Dave, and a wonderful artist too!
you have touched so many souls here in our red bubble world!
Blessings to you and your wonderful family!
you’re children are most proud to have you as their father i bet!
all the best!
take care!
-dimarie
Jacqueline Gwynne, 3 months ago
Man… I’m proud of myself for making it to the end! (I think you need to issue a Diploma for those who read it until the end.)
I got a lot from that. I see some similarities, especially in the parent department.
We need to have the confidence to trust our own judgement and instincts. I’m only just developed the ability to do this.
BLYTHART, 3 months ago
Wow … if you think you need a diploma for reading this you should see some of the other stuff I have done. Thanx anyway … now go and have a lie-down to recuperate :P