bloorain

were it not for the LOL i would have assumed erich to be hurting from a similar scene
or
dare i suggest
many a true word is spoken in jest
but this is not a subject for jest
bloo is asking a serious question
my angle is
if she truly loved him she would not tell him … would not perhaps have strayed at all…

but

why did she stray
what was lacking in her relationship that she sought elsewhere
nothing in relationships is simple …
is it? [now there is another question]
annie

i cannot answer your alternatives… a noble sacrifice is only noble when lovers part, untill then there can be no sacrifice… as to a ‘stupidity’ ...to live with a lie could well be constrewed as stupid but then equally to hurt another [lover past or present] is unkind… but what then …should the one that strayed from the relationship be bound to it for fear of hurting the ‘innocent’ or should he/she leave? the answers are as finite as are the possible scenarios… each with it’s own set of circumstances… my conclusion is… never judge others by our own perceived standards for we can never stand in their place and know all.

oh dear
i did not intend you to think that
i often tell myself not to judge others by my personal criteria
there is nothing in what you say/write to suggest that you might judge- on the contrary you are intent it seems to me to put yourself inthe place of another in order to understand…
annie
i in turn am interested to hear your opinion on my ramblings

I would have to say you shouldnt live your life with someone you love if you have to live with a lie, everyone is imperfect, we all make mistakes, some people unfortunately dont realize what they have until that mistake is made, some can forgive and some can forget, but if you are not completely honest you will never know the true outcome of it all.

cheryl – what you say is true – but as each situation is unique we surely canot assume that to tell the truth [ie admitting to an affair?] is always the best way … if the person who has had the affair is ready to stay with the first love who can say that they are then living with a lie -living knowing they made an error a mistake may be a wrong decision but that is their choice .. blos fiction shows one outcome of ‘comming clean’ ... i suppose it is down to how well each person knows another … oh dear .. i shall cease my waffle now

I agree with both of you to some degree. It would be shameful as you suggest Cheryl to live with a lie, but I guess it depends on the individual as Annie said because some people would rather remain happy and continue with their lives, knowing well that they made a mistake, but not willing to risk it all. While another person might never be truly happy because they are being haunted by what they did. I have never been in this situation and surely never hope to be, but I’ve seen love turn to hate because of this.

bloo
i am stepping out of this debate now
it is so complex … but then life is isn’t it…
annie

It is my opinion that in love, all views should be exposed. It doesn’t mean you can ever know anyone’s deepest thoughts. That would be ridiculous. But…. there are people who cannot be happy when their lover “cheats” on them AND there are people who cannot be happy when they are not allowed to have sexual relations with whom they desire. No one is right or wrong. The two worlds just don’t mesh. Someone has to change (and this is not impossible, just unlikely) or the people involved have to find like minded others to share their lives with. It’s a law nature that defies any attempt to rationalize. Either you accept it or you don’t. But I think that both must agree on the terms for good mental health and proper love. Once anger and jealousy enter a relationship… in most cases, it is damaged beyond repair.

I agree that all “views should be exposed”. Ironically it is “trust” that keeps a relationship going. As soon as this feeling is gone in or the other partner, love also goes away. instead it is replace by all sort of destructive behavior that will eventually end the relationship.
Thank you Zolton, for sharing your thought and “exposing your view” :)

Hi there, I’ve seen this so many times. The confession, it would seem to me, relates to the guilty party relieving their guilt by placing it on the shoulders of the injured party. The injured party neither appreciates the confession nor wants the weight of the consequential hurt. So many of my acquaintances have judged and condemned others for leaving their partner for another. And then some time later they find themselves in the same situation, loving more than one person and having to make a choice. Love is never easy. Life is never easy. It’s all about choices, right or wrong. :)

“relieving guilt” means feel better about oneself. It would seem that making the “right” choice is all about feeling better about ourselves. anyway, I am glad that you brought this point. It’s interesting to know other view on the subject

If we could take a tiny step away and above the evergreen case of cheating, and why so, and why not so ... this seems to be a more fundamental question – Why do lovers tell their truths?
I believe it’s because we all crave for once in our life to be loved completely naked, with no make up whatsoever – our bodies and souls vulnerably nude and real.
Is that overambitious? Yes.
Is that egoistical? Yes.
Is that beautiful? Double Yes.

wow I love your answer. It makes sense. And so we want to be love for our beauty and our ugliness, for our truth and our lies. I agree, it’s no wonder why we are always looking for Mr./Mrs. perfect. Thanks for your answer, I can look at the subject with a different perspective now.

Why do you lovers tell the truth?
What compels you?...
they want out. just too chickenshit to say so.
so they cheat, then do the bleeding heart, ...’forgive me’ hoping that the other really dumps first,but either way… it’s a toe out. my guess.
why do people care what other people do with their lives?
I have to wonder that most of all.
:) great subject.

I think sometimes, the biggest love is forgiving self, and keeping it to self. * I * can’t assume that another could ‘handle’ such a truth… even if perhaps * I * might need to hear that they forgive me. What would it matter if it were once… and human (which includes all our hardships together in relationships)... unless it were for the purpose of ‘exiting’ the relationship. People in love and trust make ‘mistakes’ in life… purging ourselves sometimes is more selfish then not. Just some late night thoughts.

“purging ourselves sometimes is more selfish than not” ...Sometimes it is even if the person (doing it) believes that they have another motive. I found your perspective very interesting. It is certainly different then what I’ve been said before. I really appreciate you sharing your thoughts. When I think I read all of the different views on this subject someone comes alone with a different one. thank you!

This is a really heavy subject..as I can see in all the entries.
Either way it’s going to hurt everyone involved. It’s a horrible thought to trust someone with every part of your being for them to turn around and slap you in the face with fact that they love you and someone else. \
I’ve had an old lover tell me straight to my face that he loved and his other girlfriend.
I was shocked that he even had another GF… but then again I wasn’t entirely surprised.
I felt stupid. He felt Releived. He said that he had been sick b/c he was lying—but now he felt so much better… haha..I laughed. What else could I do? I wasn’t sure how to feel.

He said he felt so comfortable telling me this truth … b/c he thought I’d be SO understanding for his situation. I wasn’t. It was over in my book. But then again I was looking for a way out.
I knew he wasn’t for me…I wanted more in life.
I realize now that in that relationship—the truth was I was looking for some else too… i just didn’t want to admit it.

But I never crossed that line. It’s like the untouchable invisible barrier that I never would want to cross. So there is alot to say that when relationships aren’t working people really do look else where..

In a perfect world I would hope that people would leave before they scar the heart forever… but, life is not perfect and we all learn.
It’s hard to be “faithful” but then it’s not. It only depends on that Trust that is built.

It’s a bit selfish to unload the truth to the person you are betraying… but then again it’s the truth. It provides that other person to make a reasonable decision in life.. stay or don’t stay?
forgive or don’t forgive?

There’s alot of beautiful souls out there… alot of beautiful hearts…. but, if you turn around and see someone already standing in your corner…you’ve already accomplished what some people never do. Love. You are a reciprocator of Love of a good man or woman. It’s rare and hard to find…

My Motto: Mari—don’t F* it up.

Great topic!

—mari -—

• ” don’t fuck it up!!* :)

yes… I tell myself this on a constant…

I never thought myself to a “relationship type” person…. Not b/c I’m bitter about anything…but b/c I roam… in thoughts,in feelings , in life..

By roaming I mean…that I can’t sit still… it’s hard for me to be calm.
It’s strange…but I just didn’t think I would be able to sustain loving relationship.

BUT!!!! I have I’m glad to say that I have and am… going strong with someone that “puts up with me”

Hi Bloorain, i know i promised you a trust is love/love is trust reply, but after re-reading the piece, and also perusing the ensuing comments, i decided on a different tack…here goes,
perhaps…
the greater sin, in the mind of the girl, is not being honest with her partner, the physical cheating does not make any difference, so long as she tells him about it. it would be reasonable to assume that the girl wouldn’t have a problem with her partner engaging in a little on the side so to speak, just as long as he tells her, she expects him to forgive her, therefore she would forgive him. she loves him too much to be untruthful, for her, the truth far outweighs the risk of losing him, as living with the lie would be worse. if she is honest and he leaves anyway then she still retains her integrity even though she cheated, it seems a little selfish in one sense, but if one is prepared to compromise one’s integrity, then what hope has love anyway….

“not being honest with her partner” is breaking the engagement of love (in our society). I can see how “living a lie would be worse” for some individuals, but it was a direct consequence of that individual’s action. I don’t see how someone could retain their integrity if they decide to take the easy way out. I like that you took interest in this topic. It seems that this is a gray area where each opinion on the matter is unique and certainly well appreciated. And thanks for the fav!

you make a good point about integrity, i think its about being truthful oneself, before we can truly love another, we need to be able to truly love our-self, one cannot love someone that one cannot trust (even oneself) one cannot trust one without honesty… one must be true to one self in order to maintain one’s integrity, if she made some sort of error in judgement that lead to an extra-marital encounter, then keeping it from her partner would be detrimental to the integrity of the relationship and to her own integrity, however if truthfulness prevails then the relationship stands some sort of chance of repair, and her own integrity is intact, she made a mistake and has been honest about it, faced up to it instead of hiding from the truth, if the partner leaves then so be it… her integrity still survives, however, if the cheating occurred in an intentional fashion with no regard to the partner or the relationship, then she didn’t really love him anyway and is trying to salve her own guilty conscience…
i guess I’m a bit of a romantic, so i was leaning towards the first scenario rather than the latter, in that rather than “taking the easy way out” she was trying to admit to her mistake and somehow after forgiveness on the part of her partner, and learning from the mistake, be able to make their relationship work, we don’t know if it was her intention to continue cheating after telling her partner, if it was, then her integrity would seem to be a little questionable already!
...well if that hasn’t made a grey area a little grey-er then nothing will ! :)

“one cannot love someone that one cannot trust” I completely agree with you on that. I think trust is the test every lover must pass. Being a romantic isn’t a bad thing, it’s best to see life (in general) in a positive manner. again, I am truly happy for the feedback :) and “thanks” for making it a little “grey-er” lol

Bloorain if she loves him why should she cheat in the first place?if she cheated what was her reason?Was it all her fault?maybe she s an easy girl ,in that case yes,but maybe it isnt all her fault..mayve she was being ignored,maltreated by her lover.!Whatever the reason,if she cheated,I think she should always face reality,in the end its always the best choice to face the truth,,the truth can break us or it can build us to become stronger…living a lie is never worth living,,hope you find the love of your life bloorain,and dont worry ..be happy:)excellent subject to discuss..

It’s quite honorable to believe one would step up and tell the truth or better, never have strayed in the first place, but rather owned up to the issues and if fate have it, leave before the integrity has been compromised. Having said that… I’ve seen people ‘hide’ much less offensive things such as ‘snacks’, ‘booze’, ‘gambling habits’, ‘internet addictions’... etc… I can’t imagine, while I might hope to, that we would have ‘more integrity’ when it comes to relationships to tell ‘the real truth’... perhaps I’m a bit too much of a realist on this one, but then again, life is just a bundle of perspectives and experiences… those are mine. :) This is a very interesting subject!

I think it depends my goddaughters partner plays up all the time we had a scene yesterday about a girl that keep texting him i know that she isnt going to leave him and he knows this too we all love him but hate this side of him I cant stand when he has a confession the pain she goes through is terrible i want to kill him I i have said to him you carry your crap stop off loading it onto her to carry maybe one day she will get sick of it who knows she doesnt even seem close to that to me yet