Get Clean
i know its a long one…please please please bear with me, and read the following as well. thank you.
well… i really dont like the title first of all…or the ending… hahaha second of all…no this has not happened to me. and honestly i dont know anything about this kind of thing. this is only a personal interpretation. however, according to a friend who has gone through this, i hit it straight on. soo i am putting this out there for critical reveiw, as i am hoping to use it to compete with for my speech class. it needs to be at least 6minutes long but right now it is only 4minutes…
so what i am hoping to recieve from all of my dear readers is not only a critical review but also something to add…and deffinately a new title ;)
and it would mean even more to me if someone who has been or knows someone who as been through this situation could give an even deeper and greater insight to the feelings that are expirienced. i know this is a very personal and emotional topic but that is exactly why i am wanting to delve so deep into it…so that i can try, however futiley, to capture the essence of this sort of emotion.
so if you would please leave comments, reveiws, suggestions, anything, please please do so! and if you have more personal things to tell me, feel free to bubble-mail me.
I greatly appreciate all of your support! Thank you sooo much.
love always, jessi
dedicated to my love SA~ may you Never have to go through this again~ i love you
Get Clean belongs to the following groups:
! Creative Writing & Poetry !, All Out Emotion, Imperfectly, Shameless Self-Promotion and The Art of Painundressing from any shreds of clothes you left
shaking uncontrolably
numbness spreading all around
mostly to the mind and memories
trying to forget
but the dripping blood
and the bruises surfacing
won’t let me
lift a heavy leg to step into the place of safety
but gravity and balance are unforgiving
falling to the cold tile floor
smack
tears pool with blood
puddles stain the clean floor
everything flowing so freely now
trying to expel this disease you created
pull my useless body into this sanctuary
turn the water on hot and hard
almost like you
disgusting
scrubbing
scrubbing
washing away the memories
ripping off my diseased flesh
scolding water burning away the disgust
the unpure
stripping away the dirt you left
trying to restore the innocence
shuddering with chill
in water so hot
boiling
you tok away all warmth
left only a cold, useless, empty, shell of a body
pounding
pounding
skull to tile wall
just adding more damage
to damage already done
no point
can’t feel
unlike you
i could feel you
so hard
pushing
breaking
entering
cried out t othe empty air
cried out to the dirty white walls who had seen so much in their time
but could do nothing to help
soaked the pillowcase with my tears
soaked the bed with my innocence and fears
scream
scream
no point
no one to help
only the lonely wind howling outside
that i could barely hear over you
stop.
don’t think
don’t think
don’t remember
make a hole in the wall
blackout
die
wouldn’t matter
im already dead
you already killed me
falling
falling
slowly
into this black pit
gone forever
too deep to climb back out
they wonder where i’ve gone
where i’ve left to
what desolate, unforgiving, uninhabited island in my mind i am lost on
what happened
sentenced to this darkness
this pain
beckoned to seclusion
still trying to cut out this disease you’ve implanted
still trying to rip off this corrupted, rotting flesh
still trying to exorcise the memories
the feeling
the hurt
the steam suffocates
the shower-head spraying down droplets of water that prick like white-hot razor blades
bringing me back to my mind
reluctantly
turn the water off
wanting to slip down onto the floor
lie there and cry
cry until there’s not an ounce of moisture left to cry
just a dry, barren, useless, crumpled up body on the ground
and never get up again
but forcing myself to creep cautiously out of my heavenly shelter
swipe awaythe steam listlisly
and stare at this wretched, unclean body in the mirror
dripping and steaming
now red and blistered
just adding more damage
to damage already done
rub my body raw
a towel supposed to be soft, plush, cozy
now a thorn-ladden whip
dragged across a desolate, broken land
the bruises are now deeply colored
like fully bloomed flowers of spring
the blisters weep
like the eyes of a broken heart
the cuts and scrapes burn
like the rays of a glorious summer sun
the blood has ceased to flow
like a dried up riverbed in a vast and unforgiving desert
the body is now aching
pounding like a dull hammer
the emotions are now raging
like a stormy, black, endless ocean fighting against the gods that control it
but i must push them down
because the thoughts and memories are too painful
the body, mind, and soul are now torn
and will never be mended
nor loved again
Selkie
The validation of Imperfection...:)
bloodyactress replied
thank you soooo much! it really means ALot to me :)
thanks for taking the time to read it :)
lotsa love
xoxoxo
Jessi
blueravenice
Very powerful stuff. Hmmmm The way you write the beginning is fierce, sharp, the reader feels the violent emotion of getting clean and the tragedy. You then mellow it down you should try and bring it back to the beginning and repeat the emotion to show the mood swing behaviour. Explore doubt… you doubt yourself…others…will people see how unclean you are…denial….did it really happen… it wasn’t you… you wouldn’t have let it happen… the fear of leaving the safety of bathroom. Just a few Idea’s I hope it helps. Great Work can’t wait to read more. Possible Title – Tainted
bloodyactress replied
thank you very very much for taking the time to read this and give feedback and ideas! i really appreciate it :)
yea bringing back up the motion at the end is a great idea…i was kinda thinking that it just kind of left you empty handed…so thats awesome
haha and muchos gracias for the title! very much needed:D
this is definitely still a work in progress so thanks a bunch for all the suggestions!!
much love
xoxox Jessi
JaNae Boswell 20 days ago
I think this is just excellent!...I really love the fierceness it in and the raw emotion she is going through. It reminds me of a poem I wrote and submitted on here but more intense and more in depth into what the victim is feeling. I really like how it you mellowed it down toward the ending I think it was more realistic because if you really read it how you start out she is trying to scrub away all the filth that she feels and by the ending she is so numb and tired all she can do is stare at her body broken. My favorite part by far is “the bruises are now deeply colored like fully bloomed flowers of spring the blisters weep like the eyes of a broken heart,” I just think your use of anaolgies is amazing. I think this write was profoundly and eminently exceptional.
FIVE STARS! * :)
bloodyactress replied 18 days ago
thank you sososooo much!
yea i tend to enjoy using lots of colorful images in my writing…im glad you enjoyed it:)
as of right now i am using this as inspiration for a speech that i am going to use in a tournament next saturday…hopefully it’ll end up with as many good reviews as i have gotten for this piece:D
thank you so much for reading!
xoxoxoxo Jessi