Once upon a time there lived seven very peculiar tiny men. They were all good tempered with the exception of Grumpy and all seven of these men had names that were self explanatory to their attitude. Their names were Grumpy, Happy, Dopey, Bashful, Sneezy, Sleepy, and Doc.
Every night when the clock stroke thirteen these odd fellows would take a stroll through woods, discussed their reliably dull and droning day and wonder if anything new and exiting would ever happen to them, like their fortune cookies promised. As the years passed by all hope and dreams and reality seemed to fade away.
Until, one day….
The tiny men decided their cookies lied to them for the last time and almost nearly became accountants until the very last second, when they came across a very beautiful young lady in the middle of the woods.
Her beauty was blinding and there was no doubt in the short male’s minds that she was the answer to their prayers, (or would be if they were religious). During the brief moments of awe, no one took notice that she was poorly camouflaged behind a sapling to spy on them.
Now, as we have all learned at some point in our often-pathetic lives, first impressions, though important, are commonly wrong and not much is ever expected to be learned from them. However it would be an understatement if Snow White’s first impression were said to be, as we say, “wide of the mark”. She was exactly as she appeared to be and did not fail to show her true colors.
Five minutes after the tiny men discovered Snow, Snow had discovered the tiny men had now discovered her, and moments later, as the men surrounded her, she figured it would be wise to step out from behind her plantlet. Although Snow was lovely (the most beautiful of all to be exact), she was dreadfully dim, which would explain why she gushed,
“Oh! How adorable, eight elves!”
“We prefer to be called tiny men”, snarled grumpy.
Grumpy was also all the more “elated” to point out that there were in fact seven of the so-called “elves”.
Now until this moment Snow did not actually realize she was unintelligent, for her English accent made people presuppose that she was exceptionally brilliant, so you can just imagine how she felt being talked down to by men that were forced to talk up to her. However by a strange twist of fate that only happens in preposterous fairytales it was discovered that Snow was, to put it crudely, loaded, thus making her much more tolerated by the diminutive males. So when she asked for directions to the nearest hotel everyone decided it would be in her best interest to live with them. Foolishly Snow accepted the offer without so much as background check.
Mere hours later the tiny men were amused to discovered that Happy had developed a crush on Snow, which was revealed as they pressed their ears up against an unattended door.
“Mr. Happy, could you carry this heavy bucket of water for me?” Snow whimpered biting her lower lip.
“Why of course, and you may call me Happy, my dearest.” Happy replied.
“Thank you Happy” Snow would laugh nervously.
“Grumpy, will you do me a great BIG favor?” Snow would ask naively.
“Veto my dearest, and you may call me Mr. Grumpy”.
These eight… interesting…beings had their ups and downs and downs and some more downs, but it cannot be said that everyone was displeased, Happy was true to his name, literally, and Snow was generally content, though she did have her bad days. On the 30th of February, right before dinner when the dwarf like creatures filed in one by one with their stomachs growling ready to eat Snow let out an ear-piercing screech that proved to be fatal to Dopey.
“Good lord Snow! Why do carry on like this?” cried a very distressed Happy.
“Oh my, but your hands are filthy, so you see I just couldn’t help but to scream in disgust. You do understand, don’t you?”
To be on the fair side the freak-show-like men work hard mining and after a while a little dirt under the fingernails doesn’t amount to much. For Snow to tell, nonetheless scream her repulsion was as cruel as a slap to a face. Happy, although hurt and insulted, told Snow she was indeed correct and that everyone would be joyful to oblige and wash their hands. This seemed to calm Snow down, however she insisted on supervising to make sure the men cleansed properly. As an inevitable result supper grew cold and everyone went to bed hungry and disgruntled. They needed a plan.
Without consulting Happy the tiny men decided to rid themselves of Snow forever, for each of them knew deep in their hearts that Snow had to go. The only surefire way to make Snow disappear was murder, which was surprisingly common these days. Just three days ago Lil’ Red Riding Hood and her darling grandmother were killed quite unexpectedly. Both were found with discriminating claw marks on their back and a lumberjack, who was found at the crime scene, is now being held in custody.
As the tiny men finished their meeting they readied themselves to get Happy out of the house so they could effectively kill Snow. However as they neared the house they found Happy had fallen so deeply into Snow’s spell that he seemed to be forever within a five inch radius of her at all times. As the miniature men listened in on the pitiable conversation of their friend they realized that they would need a professional to exterminate Snow.
“Oh Snow, did you ever realize your eyes match perfectly with everything you wear” gushed Happy.
“Thank you Happy…and your hair is an interesting shade of brown, it goes perfectly with the dirt underneath your fingernails.”
It now became clear that the small men could not kill Snow on their own. Clearly hiring a professional was the best answer. Not surprisingly Grumpy said he knows somebody, who knows somebody. Dopey, clearly not understanding said he knows somebody too, which lead everyone on a long hike through the woods over the bridge, past grandmas house to town where everyone was introduced to his furry animal friend Benji. Thanks to Dopey everyone finally got back home around midnight where Happy was wide-awake to tell them his “utterly marvelous” news.
“She said, are you ready for this, she said my hair is an interesting shade of brown and matches well with my fingernails! Can you not see why I love her?”
That night only Happy fell asleep with a smile on his face.
The next day the tiny men made a long overdue visit to their old Italian dwarf friend Vinny. Bashful, believing he was the best actor since superman, told everyone to let him do the talking.
“Vinny! It’s been too long” Bashful called out, standing by the gate.
“Wada ya want? Money, been taxes again? You don’t visit unless you need something,” said Vinny
“I’m insulted, after all I done for you” huffed Bashful
“Come on in” Vinny said with a sigh.
Immediately the men went to business
“Make an offer she can’t refuse”. said Doc
“Hmmmm this displeases me”, said Sneezy
“Lil’ Johnny won’t like this boss”, declared Sleepy
“Weeeo Weeeeeeeeeeeee”, squealed Dopey as he ran around with a jagged orange slice in his mouth.
Of course things didn’t go to well after Vinny told them that they have to stop assuming he’s in the mob because he’s Italian. However Vinny was an expert computer hacker and was able to find Snow’s profile. Apparently Snow had been a couple beauty pageants, and some queen always lost to her.
“Gentlemen, the next stop is the Queen’s!” declared Grumpy.
“OoOoO, Queen Victoria? I just adore her!” gushed Doc.
“Err, you do realize she died…?” said Bashful rather slowly.
“My god! When?”
“Well, around a century ago, a bit more I believe…” figured Vinny.
“Oh” Sneezy exclaimed “five more years, a hundred and five years ago starting,” he said while glancing at his watch.
There was a brief moment of embarrassed silence while everyone watched Sneezy waiting for him to speak. It was Doc who finally broke the silence.
“Well, …this is awkward, which Queen are we visiting? Any chance of it being Queen Mary of Engla…”
“Now!” interrupted Sneezy, who finally glanced up from his watch appearing very pleased with himself.
“Mirror, Mirror on the freaking’ wall, tell me I’m the most beautiful of all!”
“Son of a bit…”
“Your highness”? Interrupted a maid peeking nervously from behind the door.
“Tiny men to see you, your highness”, she stuttered.
“Most beautiful highness that I wish I was”
“Send them in”.
The queen paced around as she waited for her maid to show the men in. As she walked around her spacious room she muttered to herself about getting a new magic mirror. Just as the tiny men walked in the room, she was caught making a crude gesture to the bothersome looking glass.
While the men exchanged odd looks the queen gave a sideways kick to the mirror, punishing it for deluding the men’s opinion of her. As the nervous glances and polite coughing subsided the queen lunched into her welcome speech, one she hadn’t much practice since the current population of her kingdom was 12.
“Welcome to the lovely kingdom of Wish You Were Here! I am Queen Flatulence!” Flatulence declared this with great enthusiasm, even daring to use “jazz hands”. She paused for applause, but received none.
“I’m sorry, did you say Queen Flatulence?” asked bashful.
“They would have liked the name if you were the most beautiful in the world” yawned the mirror.
In the split second after mirror spoke it exploded into millions of tiny shards as the queen hurled the nearest object into it. The nearest object was, unfortunately, Dopey.
“Mary, you incompetent maid, get in here!” Flatulence bellowed.
“It’s Sarah, your highness” she stuttered
“Most beautiful highness that I wish I was”
“I need another magic mirror…an agreeable one this time”
“Right away” before she left she glanced at Dopey. “Is…is he dead”
“He doesn’t die” Doc said
“Unfortunately” muttered Grumpy.
This seemed to either reassure or startle the maid, for she walked out of the room with some speed.
The tiny men backed away from Flatulence as they considered what to do next. Dopey mumbled something incomprehensible, as he lay, still twitching on the ground.
“Well…Flatulence…are you familiar with Snow White by any chance?” asked Sneezy.
There was a long moment of screeching, yelling, and throwing Dopey around before Flatulence finally calmed down. Once she understood what the tiny men wanted she was willing give all the money she had to the cause. She had exactly five dollars and thirty-eight cents… and two poison apples.
“Well, now wasn’t that nice?” commented Doc as the men exited the palace. Now that the men were five dollars and thirty-eight cents richer they were fully confident that they could kill Snow. While passing by the new magic mirror in Flatulence’s driveway they discussed their plan.
“I say we lure her into the woods with something shiny and then BAM!” said Sneezy.
“What is the BAM?” asked Doc as he flicked a woodland creature off his jacket.
“…A rock?…maybe” suggested Bashful
“How much do you think a shiny thing cost?” Dopey wondered out loud.
Five minutes later the tiny men stood in front of a Wal-Mart staring at their free happy face stickers. They just happened to be shiny.
“Well, that was easy,” said Grumpy as he turned his sticker upside down in an attempt to make it frown. “Be sure to get one for Happy”
Queen Puppies watched as the tiny men slowly left her kingdom. As she watched she slowly tossed an apple from hand to hand, increasing speed each time. Suddenly she dropped the apple, and smiled.
“Mary? How would you like to get out for a while?” She called out.
Sarah shuddered before heading to the queen’s room; hopefully this wasn’t a repeat of The Little Red Riding Hood incident.
“It’s Sarah,” she muttered loudly.
“… Most beautiful highness that I wish I was” Sarah droned monotonously as she picked up an apple that rolled out of the room. As a second thought she stole a rather large bite out of the fruit. Puppies flinched as Sarah face wrinkled slightly but otherwise said nothing of it.
“I wish for there to be a…murder”, said Puppies
A silence fell over the room, as the queen appeared to be waiting for something.
“Strange”, she commented, “there is usually a flash of lighting when I say that, or at the very least a faint scream”
“Would you like me to…”
“No” said Puppies. “We will wait”
“…” said Sarah
The lightning never came, however Sarah’s face did become rather hideous as a result of the noxious fruit. For reasons unknown most evil beings would wait for something bad to happen to someone prior to being evil. When this happens it is assumed to be looked upon as a sign that your vile deed will proceed smoothly as karma has your side. Not unlike people whom do good things to have good things happen to them, a bit of reverse psychology if you will.
Sarah was to sneak into the forest and sell Snow a poisonous apple, ($5.38), and report back when Snow either died or became revoltingly ugly. If Snow refused to buy the apple very angry penguins would then beat her down until she said “uncle”. The plan was simple and direct and would take five days, tops. After all what was the worst that could happen? Some prince that happens to be magical meanders through the forest at exactly the right time and decides to get freaky with Snow’s corpse? That hardly ever happens.
Meanwhile the tiny men were trying unsuccessfully to lure Snow in the woods with their shiny stickers.
“Look Snow, Shiny! OOoOo, pretty…go get it!” Bashful yelled as he tossed the sticker behind him. Immediately the men ducked, expecting Snow to run madly after it. Instead she stood still with her arms crossed and an eyebrow raised.
“It’s a Wal-Mart sticker. It’s a free Wal-Mart sticker.” She said full of contempt.
“I can’t believe you shop there. The place is vile, and…and common. “ She spat out. “You would shop with tacky common people?”
“erm” said Doc “No?”
“Shiny!!!!!!” Dopey continued to scream. “Very shiny! Go get it!”
Dopey then tossed the sticker behind him as everyone watched. A couple seconds later he dashed madly after it.
Grumpy was stationed in a nearby tree with a heavy rock handy to smash Snow’s skull. Minutes later he saw a figure Chasing after the sticker and he dropped the rock.
“Aaiiiiieeeeee” Dopey screamed as he was crushed by the rock.
“…Whoops” Grumpy mumbled as he walked away and joined the other tiny men. Snow had long since left to make a sandwich and crash in front of a television that should not have been invented until another hundred years. That’s fairy tales for you.
“What now?” asked Bashful.
“Plan B” said Grumpy
“Sounds good” commented bashful
“When did we get a television?” asked Dopey, who was now slightly shorter with a flatter skull.
Meanwhile they all completely failed to notice an ugly face peering from behind a dead gnarled tree, which was hard to not to notice. The men live in the middle of a forest, there is never just one dead tree, but of course an evil plans do call for spying behind one. Henchmen often like drama.
Sarah was not careful. She did not breathe calmly to avoid her nose from whistling, nor did she walk barefoot to prevent the incredibly loud sounds of twigs from snapping beneath her shoes. (she did, however, manage to salvage a free happy face sticker that was only a little torn and dirty) Sarah did everything wrong as she “hid” and “spied” on the tiny men and even so the men took no notice. Finally Sarah gave up and walked right through the group of men and into the house, right in the open.
“Did you see…?” said Doc
“Never mind” Doc replied.