Written By: Brittany SmithSometimes life comes at you as fast as lightening. No one is ready to get struck; they just have to deal with the hospital bill afterwards. That is how my life has come at me. I see the clouds rolling in and I pray that rain is all that comes and BAM! I am struck with the worst possible thing I can imagine. I am tired of living this way. I will no longer be a charred piece of person on the ground. I will stand tall and show my scars proud knowing that I wont let it happen again.
The past couple of years have been filled with happiness soured by unexpected shocks of pain. I have had the best friends a girl could ask for. I never thought to think twice about their intentions. I didn’t know that I was able to play the victim so well.I used to pride myself on not having to depend on anyone. I was blind and very naive. I convinced myself that anything a friend would do to me was well deserved. I would tell them the truth, never sugar coat anything I thought they needed to know. I was wrong. people need white lies. At least that is what I would tell myself. Thank Jesus I am stronger than that now.
Rebecca was a spunky, vibrant, original person. I wanted to be just like her. I wanted to be skinny. I wanted to wear neon green with no sense of shame. She was what i thought it meant to be “cool.” She realized I idolized her as if she were my own personal gorden cow. She would use it to her advantage. I had “hot boys” living down the street from me and she knew that if she was my friend she would get some of that sweet action. I would get and allowance and I would spend it on her. She had to get her coolness somewhere it just happened to be from my pocket. She had deep secrets. She was hit by her father and was molested at one point. It was those tidbits that I liked hearing about. I liked feeling important enough for this awesome person so share such deep things with. That is when the clouds started rolling in. She would tell me thing I would tell her things. You know tit for tat. She started using my secrets against me. She learned power and control over my mind. i became a submissive person. The real me would pop out at times but it would be silenced by the almighty Rebecca. She went to far. I became stronger. I would not be silenced. She is no longer around. I couldn’t handle not having a golden cow.
Rochelle was an eccentric, gloomy, gothic goddess. I loved that she could be a contridiction. It made me feel that I could do it too. She was fucked up. I liked it. She had the most perplexing story. She was a product of a welfare mother. Not the type my mom was. Her mom was still a fuck up. She gave it to Rochelle. I for some reason wanted to catch it. I mean she could handle it I wanted to too. Her mom kicked her out. I was the hero. I LOVED being the hero. It gave me some power. We would have power struggles because she knew I wanted to be her. The clouds were coming. I knew something bad was going to go down. I tried to fix it.I thought a change of scenery would work. It became worse. i was struck hard…I began to think it was my golden cow complex.
William was flamboyant, fabulous, and tan. He was more like the core of me than the rest of them. Yet he still had that golden cow quality I seemed to love so much. I also had my hero side of me fulfilled. I became the most fucked up person I know. He was kicked out of his home for being a fabulous gay man. I was escorted out of my father’s as a misguided twenty something on a mission to save. William and I had adventures that included awful roomates, drugs, alcohol, and homelessness. My mother came to my rescue. i brought William along. The clouds started faster than before. I was struck and down for the count. He was gone. Fucking golden cow.
Kenneth was charismatic, spontaneous, and flawed. Kenneth never promised me anything. He never told me that I was the person in his life that could save him. I wanted to make it my mission. He was in dire need of my help. I was the one that really needed help. I felt better around him. I wanted to be like him. He was not attractive and that is how I viewed myself, yet he had confidence. I wanted to take it from him. I have this mindset that you can catch good things from people. I am flawed. He knew I wanted what he had. He used it against me time and time again. I heard thunder. i stayed. I was struck. I became living proff that lightening strikes in the same place over and over.
Brittany is spunky, gloomy, fabulous, and flawed. I have discovered that I don’t need a plethora of fucked up people around me to save. I need to save myself. I am the most important fucked up person in my life. I have never looked at myself. I need to stop letting the thunderstorms roll in. I have a great wall around me. I cannot be harmed. I am the untouchable. I will not lose myself. I am the ultimate golden cow.